AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

We’re not struggling financially, and we do go away fairly regularly as a family, so it’s not that we can’t afford it.

I think what’s bothering me more is the expectation element. It’s all been presented as a given rather than something we might opt into or out of.

Also (and I didn’t put this in the OP as I didn’t want to overcomplicate it), MIL has said she’d ideally like “immediate family there for everything” as it will “look odd” in photos otherwise, which did make it feel slightly less optional.

A few have suggested just going for one night, but that doesn’t seem to be how it’s been framed — it’s very much a full weekend thing.

I completely accept it’s her birthday and she can celebrate however she likes, I think I’m just a bit taken aback by how much has effectively been decided on our behalf.

It sounds more like a wedding than a 60th birthday party. Are all the guests expected to stay for the entire weekend?

Wow, I think I now understand what people mean when they talk about main character syndrome.

To answer your question, I would also find this too much in terms of involvement.

Crikey, I’d not be going to that. A posh evening do at a hotel is not unreasonable, but all the expectations are ludicrous.

Honest to god, what is it with these princesses that need a massive do and for everyone else to pay for it?
Ive got no time for people like that. Im 60 this year and hope we can get a nice family dinner and maybe a day out.

Sorry op, your MIL sounds an utter pain in the arse.

It's not normal, it's not reasonable, it's falling for the nonsense of so-called milestone birthdays. The venue saw someone with 'mug' written all over their face.

Just say no. I bet there will be a lot of declines or if the hotel has a cancellation option, a lot of people cancelling say in the last week.

Try and talk her out of this nonsense to save her the embarrassment of a lot of absentees.

As much as I think it’s nice to celebrate “milestone” birthdays, that’s a lot. I would have expected them to at least pay for your dinner, if not the whole weekend!

Not all the guests, no — it seems to be more of an expectation for immediate family.

From what I understand, a lot of people are just coming for the Saturday evening, but MIL has said she’d like “close family there for the whole thing” as it will feel more “special” (and look better in photos).

I think that’s part of what’s making me hesitate — it’s not being presented as optional in the way it seems to be for others.

That sounds massively over the top. Can you cut down your involvement and need for childcare by sending DH on his own for the first night and joining him mid afternoon on the Saturday?

I feel a dose of D&V may save your soul op.

Your MIL sounds like a complete narcissist. Always baffles me when adults have such an obsession over their own birthday.

God, I bet she was a nightmare when she got married and again when she got pregnant.

Main character syndrome doesn't really cut it 🤣

Are you absolutely minted? Because this isn't normal for a 60th birthday unless you're a Rockefeller.

but immediate family does not include her grandchildren!

Wow, she knows 100 people who would pay £95 a head for dinner plus other costs for her . Is she a Kardashian or something. This plus colour dress code for a birthday is so outside of anything that would be normal in my circles I don't really know what to say.

I think I'd find i couldn't find childcare and sadly DH had to go on his own...

Has she got a wish list at Harrod's also?

“Sorry, I won’t be able to attend as we don’t have any childcare available. Hope you all have a wonderful time”

That was my first thought as well, and I did suggest something along those lines.

The difficulty seems to be that MIL is very keen on “immediate family” arriving together on the Friday evening as she’s planned drinks then and wants it to feel like the start of the weekend.

DH’s view is that it would look a bit odd if he turned up on his own initially and I arrived later, particularly as he’s apparently doing a speech on the Saturday.

I agree in practical terms it would make things easier, I’m just not sure it would go down especially well.

I wouldn’t go. The childcare is a faff, you need someone able to take them for basically 48 hrs. Plus the request that you make sure things run smoothly? So you’ll be the dogsbody running around organising things to her (I imagine fairly exacting) specifications? What a fun and pleasant weekend for you..

ETA - if I did go, I certainly wouldn’t be buying a new dress for some bullshit dress code. Is she having guests, or props for photos? I’d wear the most appropriate thing I already owned.

Not very child friendly or inclusive

I wouldn’t say “minted” as such, no — we’re comfortable, but very much within reason.

DH’s family are certainly more used to that sort of spending than I am, and MIL does like things done properly, so I think that’s where some of this is coming from.

It’s not so much that we can’t afford it, more that it’s quite a significant outlay for something that doesn’t feel especially optional.

Nightmare , I’d absolutely hate going to something like this
She wants to be belle of the ball, she needs to grow up . She 60 ffs

It’s my 60th this year, I’m having 25 to 30 people round to my house, DS and his GF are going to be mixing cocktails and mocktails for arrival and I’m putting on a big buffet some bought in and some home made. The other ask is a friend picking up some stuff from Costco on the morning of my party.

People shouldn’t be indulging this nonsense.

I think it's very normal for couples to go separately to things if kids aren't invited. I wouldn't think twice if someone at an event said, oh DW is coming tomorrow as she's with the kids tonight. Of won't look at all odd.