AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Sounds a bit much
I would have a case of (covid )and stay home and chill sound like your going to be running around helping and paying a large sum of money for the pleasure

It's not normal to expect guests to pay.

I'm 58, have 4 DC and am very unlikely to have grandchildren, unless DS, currently 14, decides he wants DC. If I had grandchildren they would definitely be coming to my 60th, if I don't end up doing what I'd prefer to do, which is go out to lunch on my own on the actual day. I feel like I haven't had the birthday I wanted since I was 21, because family always say they'll meet me somewhere.

How hideous and over the top. My mother had her 70th last year and asked if the immediate family would like to go away for a few days, her shout. The kids were included in everything including a nice, but casual, evening meal out. Your MIL sounds awful.

They’re not pay a grand each…that’s just hyperbole. The rooms are £280 per night per room so £280 for the accommodation per person plus another£95 for dinner….you could add petrol at a stretch….

Plus Friday night drinks, Sunday brunch, a substantial present, new outfits in 'muted' tones...

Well it all sounds completely OTT. When my DH was 60, he invited family and friends to a lunch which he paid for. (I went on a big holiday for mine).

Op you need to get out of this jar kerbuiur husband attend on his own! Fuck her she can’t tell you what to do and expect you to pay and run about after her. And your update about childcare would make the logistics even harder also. What’s the worst she can say get a bit annoyed at you? I wouldn’t be partaking in this pantomime

OP - I'm dying to hear other stories about your MIL - I'm sure it's not her first main character rodeo ?

Do you not want to go or are you just put out that someone is being more ‘main character’ than you? I don’t understand what this post is trying to achieve? It’s starting to sound a bit like a humble brag… so it’s going to cost £1k-£2k but you can afford it easily. So why mention that bit??

MIL is clearly a nightmare and DH is apparently onboard with enabling that. She wants close family there for 3 days but not the children? That alone would be a fat “NO” from most of us. Here’s the thing if you don’t ‘pull up’ MIL on her assumptions, she’s going to think you are okay with all of it.

What are you comfortable with as a family? If it’s to only attend Saturday and then drive home because of the hotel’s 2 night minimum then tell MIL that’s what’s happening. She may not like it, but you and your DH are adults and there’s literally nothing she can do about it.

You both need to grow a pair.

Not a UK thing, I'd say it's an 'entitled' thing

Shame you can't send the husband and kids :)

That too, yes!

For my 60th dh and I were due to be in Florence just the two of us but he got meningitis and we had to postpone. We spent the day at Standens, a pretty National Trust house and ds put on a lovely family tea party at theirs instead, we stayed in a tiny airband that night and the following day our last gc was born. Very memorable birthday and we did make Florence a couple of years later. No need for a huge celebration unless you love being centre stage!

Possibly coloured by my own experiences but I couldn’t imagine asking anyone to such an extravagant event if I wasn’t picking up the tab. It’s seems so incredibly self indulgent to assume that anyone would like to spend 1k or more just to celebrate me 🤷🏼‍♀️ and don’t let me start on the clothes ‘look’. Your MIL is tapped …