AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Philippa Perry says when faced with a choice between resentment or guilt always go for guilt as resentment is more damaging. So in this situation I think her advice would be to not go

Christ on a bike! 😵We went out for a meal at the local Italian for my parents' 60th birthdays. The whole thing sounds fucking ridiculous.

They are paying for drinks, apparently. Serve her right if the entire party gets shitfaced and a load of punch ups break out as a result.

Lordy no, I just wouldn’t want to go even if o could afford it.

if it was just me I probably would simplify it.

I think part of the difficulty is that it would create quite a bit of friction if we didn’t attend as expected. DH is very much of the view that we should just go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace, particularly as it’s a milestone birthday.

I suspect we’ll end up going, I’m just trying to work out what feels reasonable in terms of how much we commit to.

Whilst this is a significant birthday the expectations of and cost burden to others is totally disproportionate.

I wonder how your MIL would react in reverse if she was expected to meet her demands on behalf of someone else?

Aside from anything else it’s a huge breech of etiquette to dictate that other people spend a considerable amount of money on yourself for their enjoyment.

I also find her attitude totally contradictory in respect of the importance of family whilst excluding grandchildren and expecting their parents to work logistical miracles to arrange childcare.

Is this reflective over her usual behaviours (albeit heightened by the event) or out of character?

I am not sure how I’d respond if I’m honest. Realistically I’d probably suck it up through gritted teeth to keep the peace, but I would also forever onwards feel my reserves of goodwill utterly drained as a result.

As they say where I live, your MIL has got tickets on herself. I wouldn't spend that amount of money and send my kids away for the weekend for a 60th birthday party. Who does she think she is?

Blimey! Is her name Hyacinth??

I will be 60 next year and my desire is to leap around to Underworld with my friends! It all sounds so contrived and....elderly!

Does MIL play golf or bridge by any chance?

I was sixty a fortnight ago. I had big balloons and a small cake but we’re all different.

Your MIL’s difference is that she’s absolutely barking mad, inconsiderate, entitled and borderline spiteful.

I’d be using this as practice in using the word “no” before she’s “assuming” you two will pander to her every whim as she declines towards the inevitable. Run. Run fast and run now!

To me it's not in the least bit normal to put people down for multiple nights in luxury hotels and meals without actually asking them if they can afford it?!

I don't know anyone who'd willingly spend 1k plus on another person's birthday except spouse or their own kids. And only if they were fairly wealthy.

She sounds so self absorbed..who even organised such a grandiose affair on their own behalf to celebrate themselves while forcing others to pay for the privilege?!

Just send your husband on his own , tell her that you can’t get your mum to babysit that weekend . The entire thing sounds ridiculous , especially wanting family to stay for the entire weekend as long as they aren’t children in which case they aren’t invited at all - so much for wanting to be surrounded by family .

Coffee family only?

I would refuse to go without her grandchildren.

Still not good enough. If she is directing your time and energies she should be footing the whole bill not telling you how to spend your money!

Ooh I LOVE this

Fuck that shit. 60 year old princess my arse.

I can't bear it when people think they can decide for you how you will spend your money and the time you "should" spend away from your children. Those are your decisions not anyone else's.

But she's not having immediate family there if she is excluding her grandchildren! They are more immediate in terms of blood than you are. Call her out.

Then I think, in the wonderful words of Mumsnet that 'you have a DH problem'.

Wow she's so young for a grandma with a 7 year old ! Aside you are totally not being unreasonable that's insane!

At an event like this, the host pays for the meal. It’s like inviting people to your wedding and asking them for £95 per head for the meal.

Tell her you are happy to attend, and in reciprocation will be expecting that for your half-birthday she comes to clean your oven while paying for you to go to a spa.

It very much sounds like the only reason you don't want to go is because you feel dictated to. It is a milestone birthday and she wants her family to celebrate with her, you've already said you go away a lot and can afford it so I think you are being unreasonable. However, I must admit I would likely feel the same as I'm not keen on being told where I must spend my time or money. So I do appreciate where you are coming from.

My mum is turning 60 and we aren't doing anything as nearly extravagant but then none of us would be spending £1k on a 3 day break anyway so it just wouldn't be an expectation here. My mum would choose having her grandchildren present over me!

If you don't go for the full weekend there will likely be a fall out. If you can cope with that then fair enough, don't go.

Personally I'd frame it with two options. It's a huge expense and time commitment. With childcare and travelling on top.

1. You join DH on Saturday afternoon and leave on Sunday am to pick up the kids. You'll still get caught for a hotel room for two nights unless he has a sibling he can share with.
2. You all go for the weekend, the kids come too and join in the formal dinner or have an early dinner and a hotel babysitter and you book a room that has a sofa bed for them.

Presumably if you both do the whole thing someone also has to take a half day on Friday to take the kids to your mums.

It might not go down well. So what? 😏

She sounds like a nightmare, didn't she have a big party when she turned 21 or got married? Has she missed out on these kind of events? It's a 60th birthday, why should people be making speeches? Why doesn't she count grandchildren as immediate family? Good grief. Her behaviour is unbelievable and her family aren't telling her to stop this nonsense.

This. In spades

This sounds like the sort of thing a family might organise as a surprise for someone particularly spectacular who was maybe dying or leaving the country for good, not something you dream up for yourself.

I love how she’s told her son he’ll be making a speech - presumably about how wonderful she is?

To your point, yes it is quite presumptuous to tell you that’s what you’ll be doing and spending for an entire weekend. If it were me I’d just do the Saturday night and say I’m not making my mum look after my DC’s for an entire weekend.