AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Red flag ref you being such a good organiser, sounds as if she is expecting you to be a dogsbody for the entire weekend whilst everyone else sits back and relaxes.

Just to add, MIL and FIL are actually covering drinks across the weekend.

I think it’s more the structure of it and how it’s been presented that’s thrown me slightly.

Faced between a choice of this not going down well with me or my MIL I'd happily let me MIL feeling let down.

Go to the dinner only and let her pout. Or make her special present a life size cut out of you.

It does sound rather a faff however what will happen if you don’t go/ change the goal
posts of her expectations of you? I’m guessing she will massively spit the dummy out and it will cause untold hassle! Tbh I’d just suck it up and enjoy the weekend. Once you’re past the childcare it actually sounds a lovely weekend! I’d love an excuse for a black tie dress

Are the 100+ Saturday night guests expected to cough up £95 for their dinner?

Another thing to add, MIL’s previous birthdays have always been much more low key (usually just a meal out or something at home), so this is quite a departure from what we’re used to.

In terms of DC being there, FIL did suggest having the children there (or at least not making it strictly adults-only), but MIL was quite firm on keeping it that way.

Is MIL expecting you to do the party planning as you are so organised?

What kind of grandma doesn't want her grandchildren at this invented occasion? Too high maintenance for me!

For my 60th I would hate a party! I am just going away for the weekend with my husband for pub lunches cream teas and walks in the countryside! Ridiculous amount if money to spend! I would politely decline as the cost would be too great for me!

She sounds crazy. A dress code for birthday photos? Allocated speeches? What planet is she from?

Too much ! This would be a total nightmare for me . I would definitely break my ankle or develope something very catching the day before .

I'd also wear the dress you have !

Blimey! We go all out for big milestones on my side of the family but it is 100% optional and all paid for by whoever’s birthday it is.

My MIL has a habit of expecting rather than asking (and also assigning jobs!) and it drives me mad. Makes me want to not go immediately even if that’s not a rational response it just irritates me so much!

Also to not what her grandkids there and to expect a big present on top of you already spending so much to celebrate her are both ludicrous in my opinion!

@CotswoldConundrum have you asked what she expects of you?

Oh for goodness sake, are you sure she's 60 and not 12? This is all about how it will look on her SM isn't it? Utterly ridiculous behaviour.

As an extra I think she’s taking the piss expecting people to pay for their meal! I’ve recently done a 50th party for my husband and a 50th wedding anniversary for my parents and in both cases I paid for the whole lot! Took me 12 months to save for it all but I’d have never expected guests to pay although a couple did offer. Anyone who stopped over paid for their own room and breakfast though but I think she should be paying for the Saturday night meal!

Wow, OP. I think you're being remarkably reasonable about this. Her demands are (IMHO) clearly ridiculous - looks like we're all agreed on that. The decisions you have to make are basically whether it's in everyone's best interests if you just humour her (at expense and hassle, but not end of the world) for the weekend or whether it's worth resisting. Not an easy decision to make. Good luck!

From what I understand, not everyone is staying for the full dinner — quite a few are just coming for drinks around and after it.

The £95 is for the formal sit-down dinner itself, so I think it’s really only those opting into that part who are paying it.

I would have the whole family down with covid

Blimey, she sounds a nightmare-wouldn’t be going to any of it!

I pity this fool. To get to the age of 60 and not yet realise that true wealth is not this stupid circus she is putting on, but in having your family and GC right there to celebrate with.
stupid obnoxious woman.

Maybe I'm jealous (I'm so not) because I turned 60 in the middle of Covid and couldn't even have anyone in the house, let alone a big party! I was just going to meet up with my kids for dinner out. All this fancy restaurant, big hotel, 'got to look cohesive in the photos'... bollocks.

I'd sit it out, OP. Send DH and if she moans tell her that it's too hard to get babysitting (she should have thought of that). Has nobody else in the immediate family got young children? She could have hired a nanny to take care of them while you ate, at the very least.

Blimey, who does she think she is? The Queen of Sheba?
What a ridiculous amount of fuss for one persons 60th!

Im afraid I’d not be attending all that nonsense. One day is fine- a nice meal or an evening party, but not a whole weekends worth.

Fucking mental.
I’m 60 in July, DH and me are going to Paris, I wouldn’t expect any family to play a part in a poncy, showing off party but then I’m the furthest away from ‘look at me’ events that it’s possible to be < shudder > .
Any family party would have my Grandchildren front and centre.

And you're expected to pay for food on the Saturday as well?!

What, exactly, are MIL and FIL paying for?

Because it sounds like their "guests" are paying for pretty much everything.

Is it possible that something has happened like she's just received a bad diagnosis or something? If she's suddenly turned diva like this, is there any chance it's a sudden desperation to "make memories" and leave loads of photos for family?!