AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Love how DH want to keep the peace with his mother and not the person who he's been married to for 20 years and has children with. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. This is how tyrants rule.

Honestly OP, just go and do the thing and have a drink. Anything else will just cause a load of drama and it’s just not worth it to simply make a point, which is essentially what you’d be doing.

I did an event at a hotel for my husband’s big birthday. I picked up the bill for EVERYTHING! Rooms, drinks, meals, the lot. Our guests paid nothing.
Your mother in law is out of order.

Should say close not coffee!

I completely accept it’s her birthday and she can celebrate however she likes, I think I’m just a bit taken aback by how much has effectively been decided on our behalf.

Of course you can celebrate how you like if you're paying for it all, but I think to put a sizeable financial obligation on so many people for a whole weekend of birthday celebration is quite honestly totally outrageous and deeply narcissistic.

Mmmmm. Old people tend to get more demanding as they age ......

She wants you to pay for dinner at an event like this? She’s a fucking cheapskate chancer trying to make herself look posh via the venue. Are all her friends to pay for themselves as well? As for “immediate family” that would be grandchildren then no? She sounds a bloody nightmare.

I do think I might have a quiet word with FIL about the children side of things, as he’s already said he doesn’t really see why they can’t be included, so it may be there’s a bit of room for compromise there.

It’s being framed as a big “family” celebration, but then the grandchildren aren’t included at all, which feels a bit contradictory.

DH is very close to his mum and tends to see things very much from her perspective, particularly as he’s grown up around this sort of thing, so to him it all feels quite normal and worth doing. I think that’s partly why I’m finding it harder to land on what’s reasonable, because I can see both sides of it.

If it was clearly just an adults-only evening that would be one thing, but a whole weekend built around family and then needing to arrange childcare (and quite a lot of logistics around that) does make it feel more complicated than it probably needs to be.

I don’t want to make it into a big issue, but equally I’m not sure it’s unreasonable to question whether there might have been a slightly more inclusive or flexible way to do it.

wow, its my 60th in July and Im not sure Im even going to be doing anything!

Ha! it’s my sixtieth soon and we have asked the kids (WITH grandchildren!) over for tea and cake. Maybe I should have a rethink ………. 🤔😂

The meal bit isn’t too bad. Insisting on everyone staying too nights is a bit shit. Demanding a dress code is ridiculous and is the bit that would tip me over the edge. I'd be laughing at that. It's so crass to demand a dress code anyway.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. I’d say no thanks on childcare grounds, and send my dh.

If she wants such a flash, expensive do, IMO she should be paying for immediate family anyway.
In any case, not everybody by any means can find childcare for that length of time, regardless of cost. And who’d want their children with a paid stranger for so long anyway? Personally I only ever did it for an evening.

As a woman not too far in distance of age and as a mum and grandma, my first impression is ,did this woman not have a wedding? It sounds like she’s really thrown herself into this. No small children, coordinating outfits etc…it’s very wedding like.

on the other hand you said you could afford it, your children can be looked after, drinks will be covered by the ILs. It sounds that you just don’t like the control aspect of it, which I think you’ve confirmed.

I think it depends on how you feel about your mil and in-laws I guess. If we could have afforded to go and I wasn’t worried about childcare…and my mil had come with this, I would have loved every moment. A chance to have a kids free weekend and enjoy the celebrations. But then I liked my mil and would have happily supported her.

im guessing that you don’t like yours and you’re not going to enjoy it. Then there’s your answer really. I guess you could make some excuse that your mum can only babysit the Saturday night and that’s all you can do.

the only criticism I have if the woman really is leaving out her grandchildren, is she having a another family do where they’re involved. I couldn’t bear to leave my grandchildren out, I’d rather go without than not celebrate with my grandchildren, but that’s just me, we’re all different.

Gave birth to a son at 25, son had a son at 28 amd is now 35. Nothing out of the ordinary?

Sixty isn't old! 🙄I barely noticed my 60th and my 70th, though our son and daughter are insisting on doing something for my upcoming 80th, though they have yet to tell me what. 😉

Uh wow. My 60th was in my local church hall and I provided booze, hot meals and puds, posh cake and entertainment for the kids. My mind is boggling at the thought of demanding this from friends and family (actually I think if I tried it we’d be pretty short of company).

Jesus, absolutely this! Who does she think she is? Sounds like the kind of nonsense people demand for hen parties.

Does she have no shame?

That's my point.

She's 60 now and being incredibly demanding. If they give in to this now, she is likely to get worse and worse as she gets old.

DH or not, it's odd your MIL doesn't regard her grandchildren as immediate family. Imagine them grown up, looking at the photographs and questioning why they weren't invited to granny's 60th - especially as she's making it such a big event.

When I was 60 my eldest of 8 grandchildren was 14.

Say no and if your H gets annoyed he’s U. Unjustified and icky to side with his mum on this, even if his background was like Made in Chelsea.

If you piss MIL off by saying no, so what?

Her plan is shit and costly for guests. I’d not want to be associated with that and make small talk with them and have to be nice about MIL.

The nerve of her to ask ‘ if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”)’

Wow . Just wow. " She likes to do things properly" . No she doesn't because otherwise she would realize how unclassy it is to invite guests to a party and then expect them to PAY . How trashy of her my dear.
Close family doesnt include grandchildren? Or does she want to pretend she's too young for them. And to want to celebrate yourself achieving 60 ?! Not that unique , not that special , and if she has to organize it herself obviously nobody else thought to do it for her.
Off you fuck MIL .😳

To note - FIL has always been much closer to the grandchildren, which is probably why he sees it a bit differently.

I’m 60 soon. We are having a family dinner my daughter is going with me to London for a weekend.
All your mil’s plans are over the top.