AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

MIL does like things done properly
Really? Because telling people they have to spend a massive amount on your birthday and doubling down on the rudeness by telling people what to wear are both terribly uncouth. The whole event is very far from doing it properly.

Is her name Hyacinth?
Or is she in her own series of Succession?
I would go the Friday night, leave DH there to do the rest of it if he wants to.
I am not far off 60 and this is so demanding. And you organising and the DH speech?
Grim and performative.
I’ve just seen an episode of the reality show about Tyson Fury and they organise a 60th for his dad in Mottram Hall in Cheshire. It is rowdy as hell, the kids are running everywhere in the hotel causing havoc and now I just hope they book into your MIL’s hotel for another party when hers is on.
Not having the GC there? Wardrobe dogma? It’s a certain type of fresh hell.

Absolute cheeky fuckery of the highest degree. If she's not paying for you, ( which I think she should) then I certainly wouldn't be spending £560 on a poncey hotel, but finding a Travelodge nearby. I cannot understand why so many people these days think it's acceptable to virtually force people to spend vast amounts of money on someone else's celebration, whether that's a birthday, a hen/stag do or a "destination " wedding. I love to party and entertain, love celebrating with friends, but wouldn't dream of that. In fact, I have simplified plans or changed restaurants in the past so that friends with more limited means can join in with a celebration.

This.
100% this!!

Is she always so high maintenance? And why do you have to pay for dinner to an event you're invited to?

It's fine. Her birthday, her choice.
I wish I got to celebrating my sixties.

Whatever happened to a family meal out at a nice restaurant and some presents? Bloody hell.

My family are clearly short-changing me. I'm four years away from a major milestone. Right - a long weekend at the Ritz, dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant... Or maybe a long weekend in the Maldives? All the guests have got to wear purple... thinks, thinks.

This is going to be fun.

Why can't she do a family day and evening including, you know, the grandkids, and an adult only day if she's so fired up about an all weekend do. Also, she may not like it but times are tough and that was a a lot of money to go to a damn birthday party.

Is she always this bossy?

I'd slide out of organizing stuff for her. She sounds hard to please and nothing good enough and you'd end up paying for stuff. Be busy.

I guess she never heard the it's an invitation, not a summons line.

It all sounds a bit overdone to me.

I do recall DH mentioning that a friend of MIL’s did something similar recently, although I think it was on a much smaller scale.

I wasn’t really paying full attention at the time as I was in the middle of cooking, but it did sound as though MIL was quite taken with the idea.

Can’t lie OP, I was howling while reading this because it’s all so extra 😭

Has she been going through some sort of hardship, crisis, something lately? I’m just wondering why she’s going so OTT about a 60th.

I feel you, OP. My MIL does outlandish things too, and has crazy expectations for everyone. DH and his siblings scurry around, meeting the expectations, even when MIL changes plans on a dime. But they’ve grown up with it, so to them, this is normal.

Well if MIL doesn’t consider her own grandchildren immediate family, I wouldn’t be considering myself immediate family if I were in your position so I just wouldn’t bother going. But then I am 60 myself and give zero fucks about anyone else’s expectations.

It is her choice. But like any event where you choose to make it expensive, awkward and unpleasant for your guests she has to also accept her choices are going to piss people off and mean a lot of people won't come.

MIL wanted to have a family holiday for her 70th so that is what she did but it was all picked with everyone in mind so worked for the children as well as the adults and it was a lovely week.

It’s batshit. But unfortunately your DH doesn’t share that opinion so tread very carefully

Well, that'd be me on vintage champagne all weekend, then.......🤣

For my 60th dh and I buggered off to Barbados. Should add I had somewhat malevolently booked it at least partly because of a colleague with a birthday (not a big one) the day after mine, who’d always absolutely insisted on having leave for her birthday, never mind anyone else, and we couldn’t both have the same time off. 😈

Im impressed she knows 100+ people to invite and that enough of them have apparently got the funds to part in such a thing!
She sounds like hard work. I think I might have to tell her “actually MIL it’s great that you want to celebrate but what you’ve got planned is OTT”

@Happyharper lol no it isn’t!

This is hilarious and tragic in equal measures.

i bet half the guests don’t turn up which really will fuck up her fairy princess birthday weekend.

please update us after the big event!

I may have to make a point of taking full advantage of that — depending on how many little “duties” MIL finds for me!

For her 65th, my MIL DEMANDED that we all fly 2.5hrs, drive 1hr, stay in a house that she got one of her DSs to find and book, stay 4 nights and cook family-style each mealtime. They did pay for everything except flights. And for her, the DGC were integral and everything was arranged to be suitable for them too.

Like you, my DH is used to his DM demanding such things, and the upset it would have caused had we not gone along with the entirety of her plans - including the inevitable "well if they're opting out of abc then we want to opt out of xyz" from his siblings, which would have made the whole thing fall apart - would have been nuclear. So, we went and did everything (I could go into greater detail about room allocations and who did what and the clashes that grown adults got into, but I have a couple of friends on here who would recognize me in an instant).

That was a decade ago and we have used that trip as the basis for never doing a group stay anywhere ever again. She's asked and we've always said "after [said trip], we don't think that would be best for anyone really. Let's figure out something low key".

So there's that silver lining!

Sound like the drama and expectations of a lot of weddings. So I guess she can do what she likes….

Clearly this whole plan is way OTT, and not wanting to include the grandchildren seems particularly odd! However, families are strange things, your husband doesn’t want to upset his mum (which surely isn’t a bad quality in a man?!) and given that you can afford it and the practicalities are feasible (albeit a bit of a faff) I think you should just go with it. It’s one weekend, and you might actually enjoy it. Keep the peace. Life’s too short.

I'd definitely "catch covid" with a nice little pre prepared test to hand. DH can go alone and you and the unmuted dress and non appropriate children can have a wonderful time at home

I’ve truly, never heard anything like the expectations of your MIL.