AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

This has got to be a wind up now…

This question needs to be turned completely on its head. Why do mums of this generation expect their mother or mother-in-law to constantly step in and raise their grandchildren?

I never had a grandmother. My mother never showed any interest in my DD. I couldn’t have cared less. I just got on with raising the child I chose to have. If my DD has a child, I have no idea what that relationship will look like but I know I don’t want to be doing regular childcare. I also don’t expect my DD to look after me in my old age.

Sending hugs , hope it makes you feel a bit better

I find it really interesting that these threads always become about the expectation for grandparents to provide care, but I don’t know anyone who expected full-time grandparents childcare so they could work full-time! I do know that myself and others who don’t have any support would love to have a grandparent nearby to maybe babysit occasionally help with so the school pickups or ferry kids to different clubs to reduce the load, also just to be an active involved in loving grandparent who formed a strong bonded with the kids. I don’t think you have to be providing full-time childcare to be a good grandparent & build a bond, but I guess what I don’t really understand is if you are in a position to offer help - NOT a full-time childcare position but make life a little bit easier for your children and your grandchildren then why wouldn’t you do it? If my mum lived closer (and if she was that type of grandparent) I would love to have another pair of hands for when shit hits the fan! Or even to willingly pick my daughter up from school in the afternoon and just spend some time with her!

Absolutely it's like a bot has got a bone!

@oldFoolMe

I think you've hit the nail on the head!

I hardly ever saw one set of grandparents growing up. We lived too far away. But I adored them- adored them! - when I saw them because they were hilarious and had some really funny ways. I loved asking them questions and learning stuff about their lives. Who knows if my mum resented them for anything? She probably did, being in-laws, but she NEVER badmouthed them to us kids and we loved them, even if we hardly saw them. Later on in life I happened to move nearby to my Grandma and it was the pleasure of my life to be able to visit her in those final years.

I have no grandchildren yet but I’m at an age where my children are the age where they may come along.
Rearing my children was the most difficult time in my life, fraught with challenges. I love my children to bits but I’m looking forward to some freedom. I will love grandchildren, babysit when I can, take them for days out, but I will not commit to a regular pattern of looking after them.
I understand some people wanting to do this, but I don’t understand how they don’t get that people are not all the same.

My youngest is 7. My mother is about to turn 82, my father died before my youngest was born and my inlaws are 84 with cancer and dementia respectively.

None of them are what I'd class as suitable childcare. They all have a great relationship with my kids, it's just supervised 99 percent of the time.

I grew up in a different country to my grandparents. One set made an effort, letters, postcards, phonecalls... one didn't. So then as a teenager, I was close to one set, regularly staying by myself and barely had a relationship with the other.

You suit your name beautifully.
And obviously in your case you not looking after GC is a blessing as your nastiness would be of no benefit to them or your DC.

I am really happy to see the OP is being rightfully put in her place :) Can't be arsed reading any more of this repetitive rubbish though.

OP and her very few supporters entire argument is 'I WANT YOU TO I WANT YOU TO I WILL SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM UNITL I'M SICK IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!"

To which the only correct answer is "Don't want to. Not going to"

And there's not one thing OP or any of the other selfish cheeky fuckers with zero empathy and no ability to even understand that other people aren't them can do about it.

Good. I will toddle off now and leave you to look after your own kids while you have a tantrum about it 😆

They have raised their own children and grandchildren are the parents responsible. If DGP want a close relationship then meet on a Sunday afternoon. They should not be expected to commit to childcare.
I see a lot of Women and Men in their 70’s collecting DGC. The grandad’s are usual widowed. The wife has been worn out.

Firstly I'm not a grandparent

Which is why you cannot understand why some don't want to be regular unpaid childminders.
I was a very young grandparent, mid 40s when he was born and I was the type that was going to give up my entire life to devote to my grandchildren. The reality was/is that I get tired much more easily, have a lot less patience and I have to adhere to the rules of the parents, which I don't always agree with or want to follow. Working full time in a stressful job is much easier than looking after young children.

I assume her son is in the same boat though - no support with children but expected to care for an ailing mum. It does affect partners and the rest of the family all the same.

My mum is the same - when I was pregnant all my family spoke about how involved they were going to be and not a single one lived up to that. Now my mum is full on and demanding in her own care needs and I frankly do resent it. The ONLY reason I would have expected help from her is because she said she would give it. In 12 years she's been in my house less than 5 times, and it's not from lack of invitation. Now I'm running up and down and getting less time with my child at the weekends and when you're only doing something out of obligation and not because you want to, it builds that resentment. That goes for everyone - including grandparents and grandchildren. There's no point in that. So there should be no obligation - but for the love of god don't try to make other obligated to care for you either (not you, just general 'you').

• Still working
• Already caring for older relatives
• Age makes people tired & small children are too exhausting
• Ill health
• Having spent a lifetime working, they want to travel or have a life of their own. Some people have interests that extend beyond families.

I'm 62, still working full time and with a teenager still at home. I couldn't provide childcare except in an emergency.

I had 3 babies within 2and a half years and my mum was mid forties so still working, as was my mil who was widowed mid-thirties with 6 children . There was no way that I would expect childcare from either of them . My dad had had a series of strokes so he was out of the mix anyway . I stayed home till my youngest was 10 then worked part time for a couple of years . I then at 36 trained to be a nurse . I then worked full time till I retired at 58 due to a knee injury.
I have helped with childcare for the 3 of my grandchildren who live nearby , none of which I view as transactional.
although my DCs grandparents didn’t do any care for them they were all very close because grandparents lived close enough for myDCs to call round whenever they felt like . My grandparents didn’t care for me at anytime I still loved them very much and was close to them .

Why is anyone other than a parent caring for a child them 'raising' them?

This is getting boring now. It's been all week. As a general rule, it's none of your business what other people do or don't do.

Yes, this sums it up perfectly.

And with that, I'm offski to pastures new.

Yanbu @oldFoolMe
My Mil is 82 now and my dc are teens. She has always helped me out with our sons without me asking for anything (sahm). It is her pleasure in life to be an involved grandmother and today she's having ds1 (16) over for lunch. He loves talking with her as does his brother (12). They are very close to their grandmother because she has spent so much time with them since they were born. Not rocket science.

Whoa, is there really any need to be that nasty and ageist?

I have and will never have gc. Dh has 3. We don't do childcare although we are retired, late 60s and healthy.
Basically...we don't want to. Yes the odd day in holidays and emergency but our lives are busy...we go away every month and frankly I finished nappies 30 years ago!

Because so many of today's grandparents belong to the most selfish generation to ever live. They are self obsessed, career obsessed, money obsessed, travel obsessed obsessed with staring into screens.
The selfish comments made by grandparents on here lately are vile. Your children are PEOPLE, not obstacles to be avoided at all costs. Your grandchildren are small people, who are learning, and won't be young for very long at all. Your families, that you CHOSE to have, are people with real everyday struggles. Ever heard of sharing the load? Living in community?
You selfish older people will reap exactly what you sow, absolutely nothing.

I have loved being a mum but I don’t want to do childcare in my 60s and 70s. Of course I’ll help out but not routinely every week. Why? Looking after children is mentally and physically full on. I find noise and chaos difficult. I will have spent decades putting others first as well as juggling stressful full time work. I fully intend to put myself first once the nest is empty 😆

As a child I saw my grandparents when we went to visit them every Sunday. My children see their grandparents during holidays as they live in a different country. In both cases the grandparents are happy to babysit so we could have the odd evening out, or attend a wedding, or in an emergency, but there has never been any expectation of long term, 40 hours a week, childcare. That’s a HUGE commitment and expectation and it’s unreasonable to expect it of anyone, especially if they’re expected to do it for free or at very low cost. I remember one woman in that position starting a thread on here to ask if she was being unreasonable to ask her son and DIL to pay for their child’s food and nappies while he was with her! I suspect a lot of (mostly) grandmothers providing this sort of care would be much happier with two or three mornings a week and a family visit at the weekend.