AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

If you have children then you should think about looking after your grandson the future otherwise don’t have children

what a nasty horrible thing to say.

Of course we don't hate children!
I adore my kids, but I also love my mum and dad who need a lot of help at the moment, and I am also enjoying a new project at work.

I would love to see grandchildren regularly, happy to babysit, happy to have them to stay for a weekend, but do not want to be tied to a set childdare pattern.
I want to be able to spoil them without needing to to the daily care, just like my grandparents did with me.

I haven't got grandkids and would love to have some but I think my DH and I are just too old and knackered to do full days with sole responsibility for small children. And we are fit - both go to gym every day, play tennis, etc. Occasionally would be okay but regularly not. I remember it being very full on even when they were my own. It's not like you can let them be on their iPads all day.

Wanting to and being able to are two different things. Some just don't want to and that needs no excuses.

That sounds great, you were raised to be independent, managed to use childcare, and had support from your parents in emergencies and holidays. They supported you as you needed them to, and your kids developed great relationships with their grandparents.

How much support do you give to your DC with any grandchildren you have? Many of the posts that have been referred to here are responding to grandparents unwilling to offer what you were given, which I think is a great baseline. As I mentioned, I don't think any grandparents should be pressured into regular if they don't want to, but short trips and emergencies is very helpful and I believe beneficial for both sides.

The closest I have ever lived to any family is over 200 miles away, currently over double that, fully independently pay for all the childcare, obviously no regular care given or expected. My DH works away a lot, I just have to manage my schedule around him. My eldest is 11, my DM has never had her alone longer than a few hours, and I could count those times on my fingers. My DD and DSM have had her twice total for 1-2 days on her own. My PIL have had her around once a year, proactively asking us to spend time with her (its not us asking). Guess who she is closest to?

Sorry you find the term offensive. It is a well accepted generation descriptor, alongside millennials, gen X etc and much easier to help us refer to who we mean without needing a long explanation.

Also, when you retire you don't know how much time you've got left. I want to do things like have holidays in term time when I'm fit and able to do them.

Just because you're not willing to provide free childcare doesn't mean you hate children.

My MiL had quite bad arthritis but SiL who lived 100 miles away still used her as free childcare in the school holidays and expected her to endure a long uncomfortable bus journey to get to their house. They both had well paying jobs but wouldn't pay for it when they could get her to do it for nothing.

I think most women consider their children to be the joy of their lives, but have the foresight and empathy to understand that people who are a lot older, less fit and have worked for 40+ years to raise their own kids might be looking forward to a bit of a break rather than go through the whole exhausting process with someone else's kids.

except you have already judged in your OP. If you mean that you don't want replies which judge you then be less goady in your posts

How much support do you give to your DC with any grandchildren you have? Many of the posts that have been referred to here are responding to grandparents unwilling to offer what you were given, which I think is a great baseline.

I disagree, most of the posts seem to be saying I don't want to be tied to regular childcare, so people are happy to do exactly what you have suggested, occasional help, an emergency help, visits in holidays etc. That is what most people on here are saying is fine.
It is the daily care in place of nursery etc that people onject to

Still no answer to my question, OP: could you not be bothered to read the MANY replies on the previous and very recent threads on exactly this topic?

Why don't you answer? It's because you're a goady fucker, isn't it?

I don't avoid it, but I work full time and will do for at least another 15 years, by which time my DGC won't need me :-(

I help on the occasional weekend, but I need time to recover from a stressful week, do housework, shopping, laundry and just relax

Times have changed from when I was young when the older females didn't work so grandmothers were always there to help. I have such great memories of my school holidays with all my cousins

We reap what we sow. Your mother wasn’t hands-on with your children and then wonders why they are not close to her. You could explain that to her. She had every right to not want to offer childcare but she can’t expect now to be doted upon.

We reap what we sow. Your mother wasn’t hands-on with your children and then wonders why they are not close to her. You could explain that to her. She had every right to not want to offer childcare but she can’t expect now to be doted upon.

When I have grandchildren, I have no intention of providing regular/routine childcare. I want to spend my retirement on my terms, travelling, hobbies, relaxing or whatever I feel like doing on any particular day. I foresee being available and would enjoy occasional childcare. Chances are my children/grandchildren will be living in a different area to me anyway which would make regular childcare difficult.

We had absolutely no childcare from any of our parents ourselves, partly due to distance but my children saw/see their grandparents regularly and they have a regular bond. Not super close but close iykwim.

@oldFoolMe - what about my other points - about how tiring it is to do childcare when you are in your older years - much harder than it is when you are a young parent. Or that many people in their 60s still have to work, due to the rising cost of living and the older pension age. Or the fact that grandparents have done their stint of childrearing, and deserve to enjoy a more relaxed retirement?

Your post seems to be all about the needs and wants of the parents, and shows little regard for the feelings or needs of the grandparents. We are people too, not just support units.

Quite. And older women are constantly portrayed as the bad guys.
Ageist and fucking tiresome.

There is more to life than raising kids. Its probably novel for your dad as he hasnt alreay spent XX years raising kids, so its a change for him, not moreof the same

Dh is really brilliant with our gc. He openly admits he's finding it fun because he wasn't able to do much with ours, working away days at a time and all hours during the week. He fully appreciates that maybe for me it's, as you say, more of the same. Having said that, our dd doesn't expect 'regular childcare' from us and we don't look after them while she works. We do see them every other day though and have an hour's play (still toddlers) while Mum and Dad make dinner or whatever they want to do - but they're still around. We spend that time playing with them because we want to, not because we have to. It seems that this won't count as having a 'close and loving relationship' with them because it's not
'childcare' and when we get very old and they grow up, they won't want to come and visit us because we didn't look after them while their parents worked.

In the eyes of the average Millennial on here they seem to be a combination of bank account [current and expected], projected burden [' I don't want to end up as a carer'] and political punch bag " you bought a house! It's all your fault that we can't buy one, however you voted".
Yes, that's ageist. But it's only not OK that way round apparently.

Sorry you find the term offensive. It is a well accepted generation descriptor, alongside millennials, gen X etc and much easier to help us refer to who we mean without needing a long explanation.

Arf. Course it is 🙄
But what does boomer meeeean???

It's little more than a lazy slur around here.
Ever seen it used positively by someone younger? There’s your answer.

Whilst it's none of your business, our first grandchild is due in a month or so. They will be born about 5,500 miles away. DILs parents are going a few days before the expected date and staying for a month. We are flying out for three weeks in late September and are renting an apartment rather than staying with them. We are going to provide some support and breaks for DIL when DS has a work heavy phase.

If ds and dil were in the UK, they would not be getting regular childcare.

It's a shame you don't see the nuance with which the term Boomer is used, particularly when the proper and full term is Baby Boomer. We don't call Gen X, X'ers; Millenials, Mills; or gen z's, zedders.

Because, after decades of single parenting and sacrificing my own needs I’m completely exhausted and now in my golden years I want to put myself first and enjoy the time I have left.

My ageing memory defaults to an image of a kangaroo whenever I see the word ‘boomer’, as in ‘six white…’

Ergh because she’s probably bloody tired.

It sounds like your Dad worked all the time so she clearly picked up the slack and did everything around the house/raising children and the mental load I don’t blame her for not wanting to babysit your kids.

You come across quite self centred in the way you expect/want your elderly mother to provide childcare for the kids you chose to have.

Also quite telling the way you idolise your Dad because he did more with your kids, but you fail to recognise the reason is because he probably did naff all parenting and your Mum had to do everything.

My parents do the odd over night for my youngest (older kids are teens) they also would do the odd orthodontist trip if around but have never expected them to do more.
They have their own life to lead and my kids are all very close to them and see them almost weekly and the teens often visit alone.