AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

You are being unreasonable and, frankly, tedious.

I mean, your mum literally told you the reason why? I would also say its the same as 'I wonder why some people choose not to have children' and 'isn't it strange that some women have loads of kids and others only have 1'. Everyone is different, has different ideas about what they want from their lives and how they want to spend their time. Some parents enjoy every aspect of parenting, others will be happy never to look after small children again once theirs are grown up.

What if they just don't enjoy it, OP? Not everyone enjoys rearing young kids, even their own.

Completely agree with a lot of what you have said. I think the boomer generation, which makes up a lot of the grandparents currently being referred to, are being quite short sighted about the support they were given by their own parents, and their longer term relationships with their grandchildren.

I don't think anyone that doesn't actively want to should be expected to or tied in to regular childcare. Whether full time for pre school age or school pick ups. If a flexible arrangement can be sorted, that would be great for both sides but this can obviously be difficult to find ad hoc care if the grandparents what to go away or something, unless there are multiple grandparents able to cover each other. Full time can also be a lot for someone of an older age, and it is more common that grandparents are older now more people are having children older.

The hope of help is much greater now because of the cost of living crisis, so some awareness of this would also be nice. When I was a child it was possible to live reasonably comfortably with a single income of a middle managers salary. Now two full time incomes are needed, with a large chunk being used to pay for childcare. Mortgages/rent, food and bills take up a much larger chunk of take home income, so saving some money on childcare would help most families a lot.

However, a lot seem unwilling to look after their grandchildren alone at all. No ad hoc days, taking them for a few days in school holidays, covering the odd school closure, babysitting occasionally to allow the parents a little time alone. I include my own parents in this (my in laws try and would do more if they lived closer).

It will definitely affect their relationships with these grandchildren moving forwards. They won't be as close as they won't have spent the same quality time together as I did with my grandparents. Time away from the parents when you really get to know each other better. It is a time and energy investment that I would hope them to see a positive return from. Obviously not guaranteed, some of the grandchildren will be a**holes. I really hope they don't regret not taking the time now to start developing those relationships for the future.

I think there are valid reasons for not helping with childcare when you are still working yourself, physically unable or living too far away, or are estranged/do not have a good relationship, but if you are round the corner and have the time, and get on with your kids, my mind boggles when people don't help out at all. I wouldn't be doing it full time either but one day a week, sure and some overnight and weekend babysitting to give DDs a break, definitely. That's what we had and it was invaluable.

We also help the in-laws out and my parents when they were alive. Looking after their dogs, lifts from the airport, fixing their computer, taking them to appointments. We couldn't and wouldn't do, say, full time care if they had dementia and neither would we have expected nor wanted free full time care for grandchildren, but helping one another out within healthy/agreed parameters is just what families do as far as I'm concerned.

I said "some people". If you are going to accuse me of saying something it could at least be something I have said. Some people will not see children even their own/their grandchildren or their nieces or nephews as the joy of their lives. Such is life. You can't force them too and it is time we were honest about it.

As for the rest, I agree. I gave a multitude of reasons why a person may not want to look after their grandchildren.

I retired after working with children for 40 years. I've earned my freedom and don't feel guilty because I don't do childcare. I didn't have any relatives living nearby so had to pay for childcare. My daughter lives too far away for me to do regular childcare and says that she doesn't think grandparents should be expected to do it on a regular basis.

I have a friend whose husband is 72 and he drives 70 miles to his son's house and stays overnight 2 days every week to provide free childcare. Her parents who are 74 do the other 2 days.

I've been to toddler groups with my daughter and seen grannies who look about 80 trying to cope with boisterous toddlers. Physically I think a lot of grandparents aren't fit enough but don't want to risk falling out with family by refusing,

😂😂😂

You're a card, aren't you!

Because they don't enjoy childcare and, in some cases, don't like kids? There are lots of older people who had kids because it was "what you did", who if they'd been born later might have realized that being child free was an option, and taken it.

Because their kids don't teach their own kids to behave, and they're awful to be around?

Because they're not young any longer, and they get tired, and kids are tiring?

Because they see that life isn't getting any longer and they don't know how many years of being reasonably fit and mobile they have, and they have other things they want to do?

I know some women who are devoted mothers find it hard to fathom, but there are many people, of both sexes, for whom children are not in fact the be all and end all of life. Some people hated parenting the first time, and are bloody glad it's over.

I will be willing (for babysitting, half days and occasional w/e overnight - not regular childcare for work) ., I look forward to grandchildren, I will adore them and want to do what I can.

BUT:
I was an older parent (as was the trend) so will be older by the time my Dc have kids
As is the trend - they will also be older parents by the time they get round to it / can afford it - so I will be an even older grandparent
I retired later than grandmothers a generation ago because of the delay to state pension - so I have had little time to relax and enjoy my retirement.

Social and financial changes affect everything.

@Overwhelmedandtired I'm a "boomer" and it's a pejorative term by the way. It may surprise you that when my dc were born in the mid nineties, nursery cost £1250 pcm, 8am to 6pm. Grandmas helped in emergencies - for short breaks and once the dc were 5/6 would have them for a few days in the holidays. The children care deeply about their grandparents and have good relationships with them. They were 100 and 240 miles away.

Our parents brought up dh and me to be independent; we brought up our children to be independent.

Regular childcare and babysitting the odd evening so you can have a night out or helping in an emergency are very different things. I understand why people don't want to do the former. Its a big commitment and differences in parenting styles can cause issues. But grandparents who don't want to do the latter are selfish and unkind in my opinion. Family is all about supporting each other and sharing experiences.

More hyperbolic nonsense. For god's sake, make a coherent point without this rubbish

Because they’ve already bought up their own children? Why would they want to repeat that again - they’ve worked all their lives, spend 18years+ bringing up their own kids and now want a break - how is difficult to understand?

As for the people saying they won’t help their parents out because they won’t provide free often unlimited childcare, your parents bought up you up and provided care and love during your childhood and now some people threaten turning your back because their aging parents won’t provide free care, I think they are heartless and transactional! If you can’t manage your own kids and childcare arrangements don’t have them. Asking for the odd emergency, like other arrangements fallen through a few times a year but expectations of regular childcare are so unfair on grandparents

Be giving not taking where you can. It makes you feel more at peace. If your mum needs help give it to her freely and don't worry about what other people are or aren't doing. The world keeps turning in the same way whether you are railing against it or not.

I think you have explained it much better than me - i think my mother falls into this category, she didn’t actually want children but did anyway , and now given the choice she would rather not be around children. However now they are older and she does want the company the bond isn’t there.

Tbf you can love parenting in your 30s and 40s and not feel up to it in your 60s and 70s.

I think there is a big difference between providing regular childcare eg 1-2 days a week which feels like a massive commitment and being willing to help occasionally and most importantly emergencies. I think if family aren’t willing to help a bit with the latter then there is an element of reap what you sow unfortunately.

Within my own family, my parents had a huge amount of help from my grandmother. There were times she moved in for weeks to help with childcare when my mum was in hospital. My parents haven’t ever really done that for me or my sister and I think that does in turn affect how much we’d be willing or not to drop everything now they’re older and need a bit more support. In particular, my sister will never forgive them for not helping out during an emergency involving a close bereavement. I can’t remember what the excuse was as they were retired and weren’t busy people. I took time off work as did my boyfriend and we travelled to theirs to take the kids. I think that one event changed my sister’s view of them forever unfortunately.

All those people who think grandparents should do regular childcare are missing one important thing. When I see my grandchildren, I’m the fun person in the room - the one who gives them sweets, teaches them bad jokes and tells stories about when their Mum or Dad was little. I don’t ever have to make them clean their teeth or do homework or put their toys away. Their faces light up when I arrive because they know I’m not going to do any of the ‘mean’ parenting stuff. I had a fun granny like that - I adored her, as did my cousins.

And to answer another point made by many previous posters, my kids know I have absolutely no expectation that they will care for me when I’m old and decrepit. I’ll book myself into a care home at my own expense, and if I lose capacity, they know that is my wish.

Christ. I’m really surprised you have to ask tbh.

-People are having to work to a later age. They are entitled to have a life and rest when they eventually retire.

-My in laws love having their grandkids, but they can mainly cope with 1 at a time, they have their own health issues, and their own elderly parents to look after.

-I wouldn’t want grandparents looking after my kids instead of going to nursery. It’s lovely to have a day there occasionally but it also involves a lot more tv and sugar than nursery.

I don’t think you can generalise about this, every grandparent is an individual and has their own preferences.
I dropped a day at work a week to have my first grandchild when he was born and am still looking after my second grandchild on that day every week seven years later. I also provide ad hoc childcare on evenings and school holidays etc.
My parents were unable to help me with childcare as I moved to the far end of the country before I had children so I’m not doing it because my mother did it for me.

I just wanted to. Nursery costs are insane so they save one day a week and I get to have a closer relationship with my grandchildren, I don’t know why other grandparents don’t all do this but evidently they don’t.

Alternatively some grandparents take on small children three and four days a week which wouldn’t suit me. I prefer to continue working and a certain amount of the money I earn goes towards treats and outings for my grandchildren. I fund a very expensive hobby the oldest enjoys for example.

You seem to imply grandparents should completely replace nursery care if possible but that’s not for me, everyone needs balance in their lives. I’m in my sixties and babies and toddlers are physically and emotionally tiring - especially if you’re giving them a balanced day with a mix of physical activity and playing/ reading etc.

In short there are as many reasons for not providing childcare for grandchildren as there are grandparents!

I don't have help with mine from anyone. I'm a working mum and whilst my dh is a hands on parent too, it is a full on household. Again totally my choice and I'm not complaining. Parents in law did 2 afternoons a week childcare for us for 1 year but they were often unreliable. We stick to school holidays to go away , have dates when kids are at nursery and or school. My days often revolve around my family and work and again this is the life I have chosen however once they are grown i do look forward to dh and I being spontaneous again. I would happily have any grandchildren on an adhoc basis but I don't wish to commit to regular pickups or drop offs and as we have 3 kids.I wouldn't want animosity to arise as a result of us helping one more than the other. Dh is also 8 years older than me and the fact that we will likely be grandparents in my 60s and his 70s is not lost on us. Our health is important too and it is bloody tiring taking care of children. With your own at least it is your rules but I wouldn't want to give up my precious time to pander to how my children would like grandchildren to be looked after. I want to do the fun stuff without obligation.

There are lots of ways to support your kids once they have their own and I will always be there for advice, happy to cook meals that they can bung in the freezer, have children when they want to go on a date etc but by then we will have parented our own and it's up to them to raise their own.

Or because many of today’s parents belong to the laziest generation to ever live. They are self obsessed, career obsessed, money obsessed, status obsessed, obsessed with staring into screens. The entitled comments made by some parents on here lately are vile. Your children are YOUR OWN, not mine, and if you can’t cope with them, why should I bail you out? Your children are small people who are learning, and won’t be young for very long at all. Your families, that I didn’t choose to have, are real people that you need to deal with instead of trying to farm them out. Ever heard of taking responsibility for your own choices? Living within your means?

You entitled younger people get exactly what you deserve - nothing.

(Actually, I don’t entirely mean all that, but it’s a way of reversing the previous poster’s viewpoint.)

Ad hoc babysitting and overnights are fine occasionally, but looking after babies and toddlers full time when you are in your 60s and 70s is not for everyone. You don't need to provide free wrap round care to have a good relationship with your grandchildren. So bore off.

"My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children."
You have her reason, she has politely told you, so not sure how other people's view of why a grandparent might want to relax and enjoy their time in their own way, would add much.
This thread feels more as if you want people to say your mother was selfish...she was not; an adult child expecting their parents to provide free child care as a right, is selfish however.