AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

Oh don't be bloody ridiculous. My friend's kids have both emigrated. How in hell can she provide childcare?

Did anyone see the movie Groundhog Day?

Are we in that movie?

That's a comedy though.

Your OP is a judgement though.

It’s been explained over and over again. People are different, have differing needs and expectations, differing physical abilities and different mindsets.

I don’t like the fact that so much of these discussions seem to be moving relationships into transactional ones. ‘You don't help me out, you won’t get any support if you need it’ seems to be the plan.

I say this as a grandparent who worked full time when my grandchildren were small. Apart from babysitting at weekends, I couldn’t offer childcare. I did when I worked part time and retired and we had them for weekends etc. I didn’t have childcare from my mother or my in laws. My parents didn’t either. When you’re older, the spirit may be willing, but the flesh is definitely weaker.

Our grandchildren are older now and are independent. I enjoy and value their company. They are chatty and charming people, even though one of them is still a teenager. They are happy to spend time with us, but not so frequently as they live further away. I remember the times we spent when they were small with fondness, but we were younger and had more energy.

I really, really resent the assertion that all people of retirement age are sitting in large houses, going on multiple holidays, playing golf, lunching out and generally frittering away their children’s inheritance. We’ve given house deposits, helped out with expenses of all kinds and downsized to reduce costs, although with the cost of living, that’s not going too well just now.

You can't imagine why people wouldn't want to provide childcare for their grandchildren; I can't imagine why anyone would! Children are loud and noisy and messy and disruptive and dirty, and need feeding and attention and discipline. If ever I'm lucky enough to be a grandmother I'd want the fun bits but none of the drudgery! Who on earth wouldn't?!

I don't expect to be "close" to my grandchildren. I don't even know what that looks like. My grandparents all lived thousands of miles away from me and died when I was a young child; and I think I might have found it a bit much having 6 adults in my life raising me rather than 2. I suppose it depends on the personalities. My DM doesn't talk of her late MIL in the fondest terms!!

I think the crux of it for people like you who see family relationships as a series of transactions, is that I have zero expectation that I be helped in my old age by children or grandchildren. In fact, the idea horrifies me. We have provided for our retirement and old age. I wouldn't want my children to have to add to the stresses of daily life by having to bathe and feed me, shop and cook for me. I'd much rather they focus on their children and their daily lives. I'd jolly well expect them to visit me or call me, but that's it. They must get on with their lives while they're young and busy and can enjoy them, travel and see the world and enrich their children's lives. I am, after all!

I have 5 children, had my eldest at 17, youngest at 37, she is now 9 (I have been a single parent since pregnancy when ex DH left me). I am now looking forward to, in the not too distant future, having some time for me. (yes, I know that’s my fault for spreading my children over so many years). There is absolutely no chance I will be then be going back to years of childcare for grandchildren!

I do have 2 toddler grandsons, and I have the same relationship with them as my kids did with their grandparents, we meet up on my days off sometimes, see them at weekends (and xmas birthdays etc) but I have never been ‘childcare’. Yes I would of course help in an emergency (and have done if I’m not at work) but I’m not giving up my freedom when I get it.

She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out

Right, so you do get it then? Just because a previous generation did it, it doesn't mean the next has to. Also if this is a real question, you know full well that its mosty men who don't help with childcare, so why not go post ths on a male dominated forum?

(not just to the poster quoted above but to all the posters who equate a bond with childcare only)
It is your responsibility to facilitate the bond between grandparents and children!

I wasn't brought up being looked after by grandparents and my children don't get regular childcare from grandparents either, but we all have a close bond and the children would be expected to pop in to see their grandparents of their own accord as adults because that is their family....the bond is built by making an effort to go and see each other for social time as a family every 4-6 weeks while the kids are growing up, sharing major festivals, facetiming at the weekends, modelling visiting your own elder relatives and so on. You make the relationship a priority and then it remains a priority - it's what families are, not a wage for providing childcare!

Because they don’t want to, HTH.

No, its not my personal business, I was merely asking as you have chosen to reply to my comment on a post about wondering why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare and it is relevant to your opinions on the post.

My comment stated that I don't believe regular childcare should be expected, but asking for grandparents to accept the CoL crisis has made very helpful for those that are willing. And that 2 parent working households are much more commonly needed these days, not just that more women want to work.

But as the OP mentioned, providing no childcare will effect relationships between grandparents and grandchildren, which I strongly agree with. As some grandparents are unwilling to offer even occasional childcare for odd days, emergencies or short breaks. I have experience of this through my parents. And I can see it having a detrimental effect on the relationship between my DC and my parents.

Your parents offered occasional childcare and built good relationships. You have a big distance barrier but are making a big effort for your first visit and I can only assume that will continue as long as you are able.

So I am struggling to see why you appear so offended by my comments, as you are doing exactly what I have explained I believe is the right thing for parents and grandparents in your position should do. And your family has done in previous generations.

It isn't everyone's experience, on both sides of the argument, as I expect you will have seen from the high number of other posts from people with various frustrations. Me included, that my parents are not willing to even meet the minimal baseline that their own parents gave them, not regular care but the occasional trip for my DC to visit, stay with and get to know them.

I hope the upcoming arrival of your first grandchild goes well and you have an amazing time visiting and meeting them.

I am a 67 year old grandmother and still work part time. I will be babysitting my 4yr old and 18 month old grandchildren all day Saturday. By the evening I will be shattered! I help when I can but there is no way I could commit to regular hours. Judge away OP.

On the off chance that you're genuinely interested, I will have to work til at least 67, and at that point, when I am able to retire after 50 + years of working without a break, I want to spend time having the freedom to have a rest and persue my own interests, rather than keep working in an unpaid job to enhance someone else's life at the expense of my own.

I don't yet have grandchildren, but I'd imagine I'd be happy to do some ad hoc babysitting if it fitted round my other commitments, or in an emergency. And of course I'd like to spend time with them (and my children), take them for days out etc. But committing to long term regular childcare? Not a chance! I don't want to be working til I literally die from exhaustion!

I think grandparents who have spent little time with grandkids need to realise those grandkids will not be interested in them long term. 2 out of 3 of my kids have already lost all interest in there grandparents because neither set have shown much interest in them. The youngest will go the same way in the next 2 years most likely.

And again with the emotional blackmail, @Fundays12.

But it usually is. I know lots of grandparents who are basically being de facto parents. Obviously it won't be in perpetuity because they're going to drop dead before their adult children. Probably sooner rather than later due to the amount of stress and work landed on them at their age.

I don't think grand parents don't want to spend time with their grandkids? They just don't want or feel able to work as unpaid childcare into their old age after long working lives. I'm sure most grandparents would love to visit/be visited by their family regularly or go on holidays/days out with them so they can see their children and their grandchildren. They just don't want to take on the role of unpaid childcarers.

For us it's basically the distance. Mine and DH's parents aren't local to us and for both of us our grandparents weren't local to us growing up either. So there's never been a 'popping round' sort of relationship.

MIL is happy to do holiday childcare but the logistics are difficult as the public transport is many changes and she won't drive long distance. FIL is prepared to do the driving but won't get involved with DC at all.

Also we had DC quite late, she is over 80 with some mobility issues now and finds DC too tiring.

Another issue is that the DC both have SEND (neurodivergent) and both sets of grandparents have some rather outdated and controversial opinions about parenting kids with ND/SEND, which can make the whole thing rather strained. The distance plays into this as well, as they don't see DC enough to really understand what our day to day life looks like.

Some grandparents are more hands on than others. I am assure you some grandparents would rather not spend much time with there grandkids (seeing every 3 weeks or so seems enough) and some grandparents are only really interested in the golden child's kids which comes at the expense of the rest of the grandchildren relationship with them.

Unfortunately this is my kids experience and its why the older ones have no interest now in there grandparents. My kids lucked out badly with grandparents

yes, life is weighing most people down now days. That is true. Its a sad situation to be honest.

The cost of living crisis applies to grandparents too. Especially when your income is fixed. This morning I’ve had to choose between booking at the dentist for a filling or a visit to the hygienist. Both at the same time aren’t possible.

@Fundays12 "I think grandparents who have spent little time with grandkids need to realise those grandkids will not be interested in them long term."

But that's not what this thread is all about. Nobody would dispute the fact that if grandparents show no interest in their grandkids, then it works both ways. Likewise with any relative. But showing an interest in your grandkids doesn't equate to offering full time childcare does it? And if they basically don't bring up, or at least partially raise their grandkids, then they can expect and in fact deserve to be unloved and ignored? I loved my grandparents and had joyous times with them but they didn't bring me up.

Do you think someone actually enjoys helping their elderly parent out with house work, shopping, medical appointments, technology etc? You do it because you're family and you care for the person. I can't imagine seeing my children working hard and being worn down and not helping them out if I am capable of doing so. Also, even if it's "work", gc are a joy to many gps.

Just hope that you don't see anything wrong with your children telling you they "don't feel like it" whenever you need help..

Yes absolutely. My teen dc often pops over to my Mil because they are close to her. Nowadays no baby-sitter involved but she was a rock when I was in hospital, had to take dc to medical appointments (fetched the other one from school etc). They love her dearly because she's a part of their lives and always has been.

No it doesnt. I actually dont think and grandparents should be bringing up grandkids part time let alone full time unless necessary (parent illnesses, death etc). Even if we had that offer of help I wouldn't take it. I have often found grandparents that do offer that level of help enable poor parenting decisions or feel pushed into. Neither are positive for kids.

However never caring for your grandkids, spending little time with them, not engaging with them on the occasions that you do see them does mean the relationship has not been built so as the kids become older they show little interest in those grandparents. I think grandparents often get out what they put in. A grandparent can see a grandchild twice a week for a short time, engage with them, play with them and enjoy there company and still have a great relationship with them.

Nonsense