to want to carry on working so I do not end up doing childcare?

[skizz]

I mentioned to my DC that I was thinking about retiring, just exploring options, nothing even decided yet. Their immediate response was along the lines of “oh that would be perfect, you could help with childcare, school pickups, when they are ill, that sort of thing.”

I actually do not want to give up work and slide into being on-call childcare. I like working. I like having my own routine, my own space and my own independence. The idea that any flexibility automatically gets translated into availability for childcare does not appeal to me whatsoever.

I have friends who do regular childcare for their grandchildren and honestly they are constantly picking up bugs, dealing with sickness, plans being cancelled last minute because a child is ill. It looks absolutely exhausting. It is not how they imagined retirement but they got railroaded into it by their daughters/DILs.

I would rather keep working than be doing childcare.

From what I've seen the game is to say you're a toxic mother and threaten to cut off access to the grandkids if you're not on call 48 hours. I had a mother and mil who didn't give a monkeys about their grandkids but I just see daughters these days taking the pee.

Aren't most relationships transactional? We help and support those who help and support us in return. Not many people would want to go the extra mile for someone who didn't offer them help when it was needed. That doesn't change just because you're family.
If a grandparent doesn't want to care for their DGC, that's absolutely fine. But they set the precedent of it's 'every person for themselves'. It can't be a huge surprise when their children (probably now at the same age their parents were when they didn't offer help with the kids) take the same line - "this is my time/retirement, I'm not going to spend it caring for other people either".
OP - I am in complete agreement with you about your right to choose how you spend your retirement. But I also agree with the people who think that it could impact on the support you get later in life. But that might not bother you at all.

OP - I am in complete agreement with you about your right to choose how you spend your retirement. But I also agree with the people who think that it could impact on the support you get later in life. But that might not bother you at all -

there we go with the threat.

Seems to me that many adult children are no better than scammers, abusing the kindness of grandparents from what I've seen. My friend had a trip to Paris lined up with her son and grandaughter but at the last minute the mother cancelled because my friend's son wouldn't cough up for a very expensive Prom dress for her graduation demanded by his ex which he said he couldn't afford. Straight up blackmail of ex husband and Grannie. She was obviously devastated having the holiday ruined.

It should not be transactional though if you choose to have children you choose to be responsible for them the sad part for the op is that her family are managing now without her but they are ready to pounce as soon as she gives up work. I think if people feel you have to help surely being the mum in the first place should count towards old age. I think it’s a load of bullshit to feel like you have to start all over again every grandparent I know both men and women love having the kids helping when they can not all the time but each one of them says it’s exhausting doing it all over again at there age. They would choose work over permanent childcare and I don’t think it is selfish. What’s the point of retirement if you have to start the childcare again. The op family should be saying great mum go for its about time you put yourself first but unfortunately for her there not. I

This may feel a bit mean which I don’t want it to but have you considered the future when you may need help from your children and grandchildren when you are elderly.

I don't see the fact that adult children might not step up to help you when you are elderly as a threat, I just see it as a logical consequence.
I'm in my 60s, - 2 adult children that I hope will have kids soonish. I'm not sure I'll step up and offer free childcare either. The difference is I accept that choice will ihave an mpact on my life and relationships, both good and bad. I can't control how my DC will behave in 20 years but I know the example I set will factor into their choices.

I could do all the childcare and then they move abroad. It happened to a friend of mine. She did a lot of care for grandchildren then both her DDs moved to Australia. She is on her own now despite doing years of free childcare.

Surely they'd step up because she is their mother and they her children, just as she did when they were children and she the adult,

Do people expect this of Grandads? And if they don’t look after their grandchildren do people generally not visit or care for their Dads when they are older? Or is it only woman who are impacted by not providing childcare

This exactly there is no guarantee that they will be there for you. Op I’m on another post where grandma is looking after kids 3 days and doesn’t want to any more. Op it’s a nightmare that adults can’t look after their own children. It’s not like it’s 247.

They probably won't step up even if she does all the childcare. "Oh, we're working, we have to help with our grandchildren (or they'll have boundaries around it and won't because they want do to their own thing), we're too busy (maybe doing their own thing)." They don't seem to consider the needs of anyone but themselves, so that's unlikely to change.

It doesn’t feel mean. It IS mean. Appalling actually.

I agree. My elderly father provided very little childcare to us. He worked full time until he retired then he and mum enjoyed their retirement until she died. They did their bit by raising us as children. Why should they raise two lots of children? They lived too far away anyway but it’s up to parents to look after their children

It is for grandmas only. If she dared had help and won't help now then she better watch out. She has to pay back the care. It doesn't apply to the men of course.

So have you told them you don't want to become their nanny yet OP?

Why should op put herself out for a helping hand in case she needs help in her future most people I know would be there for their parents no matter what if they can but if they can’t it’s tough but it’s not payback this is total crap.

This is weird. You are a grown woman. You dont need to tell your kids if you take a day off. Equally, you dont need to sneak around like some teenager bunking off school.
Seriously OP, you can't control other people's behaviour but you can choose the person you are and the life you lead. Plenty of posters have made this point which you've ignored. I get the sense that you're not interested in anything positive and fixating instead on the rather toxic intergenerational women against women trope. Your children sound a bit self involved but maybe the apples haven't fallen too far from the tree.

I haven't ignored anything. Yes I know I can choose the life I want.

I can also make points about the differences that apply to grandmothers and grandfathers.

They are not mutually exclusive.

Making assumptions just makes you look silly.

Nope, not assumed. I implied. I said they sound like 'xxx'. I haven't said they are.

Yes, they are all different, as are grandparents, so why are you anticipating to be sick all the time?

You’ve missed the whole point here.

Families should be about mutual love, respect and fun.

Your kids should want you to have a good retirement, which includes not picking up too much childcare. They should want to see you having fun, doing hobbies and enjoying time with your family.

You should want to offer your kids support in a meaningful way. Whether that’s a day a week childcare or a financial top up. Or meaningful support at the weekend so parents can have some down time. Whatever that looks like to you all.

It isn’t about having to do anything, it’s about having the type of relationship where all of the above is considered and you’re on a similar page, wanting the best for each other.

Your posts sound transactional to me, and honestly quite cold. You see your family as a burden, and like they’re taking advantage of you. It’s sad. But perhaps your family dynamics are such that you can’t and won’t depend on eachother. If that’s the case, then don’t help and don’t ask or accept help.

If you had help with your kids, I think it’s very hypocritical not to offer that. It doesn’t mean you have to, but it does mean you’re being selfish unless you have a good reason (such as health) not to.

I said all children are different. How is that anticipating them to be sick all the time?

If you had help with your kids, I think it’s very hypocritical not to offer that - funny how this doesn't seem to apply to grandfathers.

Your posts sound transactional to me, and honestly quite cold - you sound quite the psychologist!

@skizz you have ignored literally dozens and dozens of posts that have clearly said that most grandfathers and FILs are keen and helpful.

You choose to ignore them though because they don't fit your hard done by older women narrative that you are desperately trying to create.

If you don't want to help your kids don't help them, but don't expect them to be cheering you in your "relaxation" while they are struggling.