To be so fed up of my dh noise cancelling headphones

[Allthedays1]

He has them in alot. He will come home from work, chat for 15 minutes if that then block everyone out and watch YouTube with them in. I will be in the shower and the youngest will come and get me if she wants something even if he's in the room with her. It's doing my head in. I get he talks all day at work but we still exist. At the weekend I watch no TV unless kids are in bed or watch with them. He just sits with the headphones in for hours watching on his tablet
Today our child had a problem at school. Dh had his hoodie up in the kitchen, I started talking to him about it and then son says "mum he can't hear you he's got his headphones in". I'm going to work in a bit so it's not like I can tell him later. Please tell me I'm not the only one with a dh like this

Yet another ‘D’H who doesn’t like his own family.

This is actually really sad, and I actually feel like you’re underreacting to the fact that he doesn’t sound like he’s really engaging with family life. He watches videos with headphones in during mealtimes? Would you be happy if your kids did that? Are you happy with the childhood environment and memories they will look back on? Especially considering you are making such an active effort to not even have telly on without it being a conscious, shared activity? What kind of relationship can the two of you have if one of you is checked out most of the time?

I do understand needing a break at times, but this would honestly break my heart

I spend my evenings mostly listening to podcasts and playing games on my iPad at the same time, or scrolling Facebook videos, but DH doesn’t mind as he is working on his laptop and when he finishes that he puts his own headphones on and watches his stuff.

So when do you talk to each other?

Agreed.

Good question!

He’s become a headphone wanker

My Husband has them and even bought me some for Christmas which I never use, he puts them on whilst we watching tv and yes I get sick of him not hearing me. 🙈

It’s about balance. He probably needs a bit of quiet time after work - nothing wrong with some down time. It’s good for us all.

But it shouldn’t be to the detriment of his wife and children. It’s unpleasant if it feels like someone is checked out of family life.

Does he know how you feel?

I would be tempted to drop his headphones down the toilet while he is in the shower. Accidentally of course.

If she did that, I would expect him to destroy something of hers 🤷‍♀️

I would have to have a word. Tell him you find it so rude that he literally shuts you and the kids out!
When the kids come to you tell them to go and disturb their dad!!
I couldn’t cope with this, I’d rather be alone than lonely in a relationship!

Omg is your dh 13? Tell him he’s a dad now with kids who need him to be present if he wants to act like a teenager he shouldn’t have got married and had a kid. This is worse than half the posts on here because he is deliberately blanking you all you don’t exist. I would be concerned about his parenting skills while you are at work. I would be telling him this is not acceptable a headache is no excuse not like it will cure him. Ffs this is one bad parent.

Sounds like the husband would as well

Mine was an idiot like this and I was getting crazy. All the fighting started with headphones. Then he broke some and my little one hid some :-) so he was not able to use it. Still lots on his phone, though he looks like he is kinda reducing it, but has some stupid childish game he is playing and will never get off it. I totally forbid him to play while he is with him and no phone while having meals, but when he put him to sleep after then he is free to play, which he can do for hours. God help us.

Many (most?) noise cancelling headphones have a 'passthrough' setting. It cancels general background noise so you can focus on what you're listening to, but it uses the microphone to pick up louder external sounds.

It's so you can hear traffic etc in public, but it'll mean he can hear you if you're speaking to him.

I sometimes wear headphones and listen to podcasts or music around the house when the kids are being particularly noisy and I’m struggling with it (it helps to keep a lid on my perimenopausal rage) but I also have them on aware so can still hear what’s going on/ if they want me etc. What’s worse is I suspect he’s actually not fully blocked out while wearing them but choosing to pretend to be so that he doesn’t have to involve himself in family life or do anything the kids are asking etc.

Sit him down and say look your headphones are becoming a problem, you're blocking us out, if one of our kids was doing it at age 14 I'd be more sympathetic, but I'd also limit it to particular times or situations and I certainly would not accept it during family time. Your kids are giving up trying to speak to you, they just walk past you to me and tell me about their day. One day they will be grown up and their view of you will be dad was never there for us. Your choice as you're not a teenager but you're also doing the same to me and my view is that you're not here for our relationship,

Just to say you're not alone and I've made a small progress.
My husband now drowns us out with an overly loud podcast whilst washing up but at least we don't have to tap him on the back to speak, and he is washing up 🤣

I have an alternative point of view. In our family, I make DS watch YouTube in our lounge so I can see what he’s watching. He wears earphones because the YouTube noise is horrible to me. DD (older) is usually reading her kindle or watching TV on her iPad. I will probably be knitting and listening to a podcast. DH working in his office.

When he walks in he starts talking instantly followed by dramatic huffing and puffing and eye rolls when he realises none of us can hear him. He also moans to anyone who listens that I am plugged in all the time.

It irritates me beyond words that he seems to think I should sit there like a handmaid ready to hear his words at any moment he wants to deliver them. Irritates me is putting it mildly: I sometimes think I might punch him one day.

What is especially galling is that I can walk into a room, speak, and get zero response from him because he is absorbed on something on his phone - no headphones involved.

Absolutely disagree with you.

It’s so rude to disengage from family life like that. It’s really rude.

You mentioned long / stressful
working day - what if both parents work?

If someone needs time to decompress after work then I am sure grace can be given for 30 mins / maybe an hour for someone to unwind. But not for the rest of the evening, not when it involves ignoring the children and not when it is used as a get out clause for actually engaging with your family and their lives.

Such selfish behaviour.

And a terrible example being set for the kids.

Also your stereotyping about “it’s mostly women who love to talk” - have you not read all the threads about male monologuers?

Also @Allthedays1 was trying to talk about a problem their son had - he is the kid’s father, who else is she supposed to talk to about it. I didn’t get the impression that she was just chatting shit for the sake of it.

Edited for multiple typos.

So when do you all talk to each other? Must he make an appointment if he wants to speak to you?

I make DS watch YouTube in our lounge so I can see what he’s watching. He wears earphones because the YouTube noise is horrible to me. DD (older) is usually reading her kindle or watching TV on her iPad. I will probably be knitting and listening to a podcast. DH working in his office.
When he walks in he starts talking instantly followed by dramatic huffing and puffing and eye rolls when he realises none of us can hear him. He also moans to anyone who listens that I am plugged in all the time.
It irritates me beyond words that he seems to think I should sit there like a handmaid ready to hear his words at any moment he wants to deliver them.

Oh come on OP this is worse than just annoying or rude, he has found a way of being an absent parent whilst having the plausible deniability of being in the same room. I shudder to think what this is teaching your kids about family life and the role of men/ women in the home.

This would be marriage threatening for me and unless he was willing to change his ways, and really showed some insight into why this behaviour is unacceptable, he'd be out the door.

Listening to music does not have to be a communal experience but participating in a discussion about a school issue your child has should be - as a parent.

This is false equivalence. If you're reading a book or watching TV you're not actively cutting off the other major sensory system that allows you to know whether the smoke alarm has gone off, or to hear the kids happily playing in the garden, or to respond to your partner shouting "hello love!" as they arrive home.

Deafness not withstanding, being able to hear one another is a fairly fundamental part of communication and having to visibly get someone's attention and wait for them to pause their video, or whatever, interrupts that natural serve and return of communication. Fair enough if it's once a week for your favourite podcast but when it's every day or for multiple hours at a time that will, as it has here, affect the children's relationship with their parent.

I haven’t voted as firmly on the fence.

like a pp husband I am deaf and have Bluetooth hearing aids. I listen to podcasts a lot, especially when cooking / housework etc. Just putting it on a speaker doesn’t work - it has to be straight into the aids or I won’t hear it - or it would have to be so loud everyone would complain! DH does have to come and find me and get my attention, but tbh he’d have to do that anyway. I am alert to children wanting to speak to me but they are older teens now and usually plugged into their own music etc anyway.

However, I would never sit at a table on company and do this! that’s just rude, as is sitting with a hoody up indoors. And I wouldn’t watch tv in a shared space while plugged in, I would persist with hearing aids and subtitles.

it’s a funny thing, wearing headphones all the time. I see it in my kids - there but not exactly there at the same time. Because of my hearing loss I’m actually in the situation that people are actively choosing to put themselves in - isolated, excluded, out of the loop, not available to others until they have your attention / are right in front of you. I confess I love to switch off all the noise sometimes except for what I choose to listen to. But being part of a family group means being available - how much and how often is up for negotiation.

ear pods in, hoodie up, you tube on?

sounds like a teenager

no, he needs to be more mentally present for his family