AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

[Idontmindeitherway]

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

Leave him alone.

Yes, leave him alone. He may still be figuring it out. He'll tell you when he's ready.

As long as you have created a household whether there is no homophobia and he feels that he can come out without judgement, your work is done. No need to do anything more.

Of course he doesn't feel comfortable with all the peeking and prying, just leave him alone.

Would you be peeking and prying and having conversations with your husband if you thought he was straight?

If the boy is his age or close, why did you refuse the sleep over?

You can be shy and well spoken and reserved and not gay.

You do seem a bit obsessed with your son's sexuality.

If you didnt have these suspicions, would you allow the sleepover?

Actually my other half is a very gently soul who loves gardening and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am

God this kind of thinking is infuriating. No-one needs to like gardening or be gentle to be a woman, and I know you're generalising, but it doesn't help. Just like no-one needs to be feminine to be gay/fancy men.

Aside from that, I'd just let him be. And probably not a bad idea to be wary of a stranger sleeping over, but could he visit for the day or something?

I don't think he needs encouragement to tell you anything as if you're genuinely open, he'll do it in his own time if he wants. As pp have said, he's probably still figuring it out.

You have a weird perception of what you feel gay men are like, and a very weird obsession about your sons sexuality.

You have stated you don't care, but it's very clear that you do care, too much.

Leave him be for christ sake.

Every time you try to show him proof?

Leave him alone.
If he's gay he'll tell you when he's ready and not the other way round.

Yep. Leave him alone. All of my kids know we are v accepting of same sex relationships, and have always talked about "if you have a partner in the future, he/she/they may not like you doing x" making it clear that any of those would be fine, and indeed there is not a 100% assumption that there will be a partner at all. Then it's their job to figure themselves out and tell you if/when they are ready.

Do you question your other sons about their sexuality or have you just assumed they're straight?

Leave the poor lad alone. Stop with the weird stereotyping and stop trying to make him tell you about his sexuality. I don’t blame him not wanting to talk to you, you are making it into a huge deal despite claiming you don’t want to.

well spoken? 🙄

If the boy is coming to your town, is your son wanting the sleepover to be at your house?

I don’t understand why you refused the sleepover; at 16 it’s unlikely that you will be able to get to know his friend who lives far away unless you allow this.

Your excuse for saying no is really poor, and will definitely not encourage your DS to come out if he was thinking of using the opportunity as a way to gently introduce a boy he is interested in developing a relationship with.

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

I knew for years before DC said, "I know you and dad will always support me, I just want you to know xxxx and I are dating." That's how much of a big deal it was. The two older DBs were just the same.
Leave him be until he's ready. I'm not sure your household is as accepting as you might think.
Would you have allowed a girlfriend to stay?

Yes

Just leave it, he’ll tell you when he’s ready my son did with me.

Then let is ‘mate’ sleepover then.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

He has plenty of local friends without sounding rude my main aim at night is to sleep not to try and get to know my son’s new friends

They clearly not really gay then