To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

I can't make it, I have an appointment with a therapist about my anxiety.

Exactly. As long as you are happy to isolate yourself, have absolutely no one turn up for you or bother with you then do as you please. That includes your husband and kids.
would you not throw them a birthday party or have play dates or just be around groups of people.
You should think about the long term effects of this.

You also have options, go and stay for 30 mins and leave to wherever you are meant to stay. I would be very upset as well if I were your dh and you choose to never attend anything

🤣🤣

Like everyone else on the planet, you need to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. As you know, the world won't rearrange itself around you and nor should it. You have this thing - everyone has their thing. You deal with you, they will deal with themselves. So:

Don't go: you have to deal with your DH's upset.

Go: you have to deal with the anxiety.

Lie to your DH in the hope he won't know (you know he will): compromise the quality of your marriage, and allow your condition to take even greater control of your life.

Tell your DH the truth and lie to everyone else: deal with people suspecting or knowing you're lying to get out of socializing with them.

You need to pick the least bad one, only you know what that is. That's all there is to it seeing as you're refusing to consider other outcomes.

@CurdinHenry are you planning your give the excuse to DH so he will be happy to go without you?

Can you top and tail it? Turn up for a bit, then disappear, leave DH to socialise with his family then return to say goodbyes, the bigger the event the easier it is to do this.

Ridiculous.
So people shouldn’t invite you to things because of your anxiety?
Honestly, you sound miserable, argumentative and selfish.
You want other people to change their behaviour but you won’t get any help for your issue?

I agree with you. I struggle severely in social situations. I was always the same. I think back through all the years and any time there was a social gathering, I showed up like a good little daughter/partner/friend, not wanting to let people down. Because obviously their feelings were more important than mine. And I was being ‘weird’ and just needed to get with the programme. I rehearsed conversations in my head, planned ways of leaving early, drank a bit too much to numb the fear. And I look back and wonder whether putting myself through all that served any purpose at all. If I hadn’t been there, a good time would still have been had by all. And an even bloody better time would have been had by me😆 I just say no a lot of the time now. It’s my turn to be comfortable. Inviting me is nothing more than box ticking. Me turning up is nothing more than for appearances’ sake. Some people just don’t like socialising and that’s that.

OP you sound quite assertive and able to hold your own, on here at least. You don’t sound like a people-pleaser who can be guilted into things. Are you v different in real life?

You appear to have a DH problem.

Tell him you can’t go but he is not to sulk and guilt trip you about it.

It really bugs me that at some point a group of people decided what was fun and if we don’t agree with the perceived fun we need medication or therapy?? What bollocks! If you don’t want to go to a social event you shouldn’t have to go op and you shouldn’t have to squish down your feelings so everyone else can feel good.

‘Crippling’ anxiety is not a character trait, no. It’s a mental illness, to this degree it’s an anxiety disorder.

Are you getting therapy for it? What steps are you taking to address it? This is no way to live.

I've voted YABU but only because you're thinking about harming yourself to get out of going.
Be honest OP, they will have to deal with their feelings. I think it looks worse if you lie and then they find out you lied or if you just make excuses every time.
Tell them thank you very much for the invite but unfortunately I won't be able to attend, I hope you all have a lovely time. If they push it, just again say sorry but no I can't.

As I said, anxiety is a mental illness. If you passively accept it and don’t do the work to overcome it you may convince yourself it’s part of your personality but it’s not. It’s never too late to tackle it.

This should be a positive.

You're being very rude. Think about it logically - what could happen to you at an event?

Stop being so self-absorbed - think about the interesting people you could talk to, and how you could learn about the family of the man you love and share your life with.

Honestly, allow yourself to imagine how you might get some pleasure out of asking people about their lives, their interests, their opinions. Think about other people, not yourself. That is the way to get over shyness and anxiety meeting people. But these people are family - it'll be OK.

She doesn't need to squish down her feelings: she needs to find a way to manage them.

That might be standing her ground in an uncomplicated way to say that she really does not enjoy larger social gatherings, but blaming other people for how she feels is not a coping strategy, it's avoiding the issue.

This.

I was paralysingly shy until I was about 25 - I suppose nowadays it'd be called severe social anxiety.

But I got over myself and came to realise that other people are interesting and the way I got over my shyness was to stop thinking about myself and get interested in other people. I also needed not to have shyness have an impact on my career.

My life is infinitely the richer and more enjoyable when I remember to think about others rather than myself.

There's a big difference between not going to something because it's not your thing or you would find it boring, than not wanting to go because of fear, ie the thought of going to a wedding or meal makes you panic and worry about it for weeks or even months before. Can you not see the difference?

This is very true. I remember being told as a child that if you feel shy, stop thinking about yourself and think how your shyness is making the other person feel. Try asking them about themselves and showing an interest and it stops you feeling put on the spot yourself.

It actually does work a bit in social situations.

I have a relative who I'm fairly sure has some kind of eating disorder, and becomes very anxious over any social events which involve food that she hasn't prepared herself. If she could admit to her problem we could find ways around it, (e.g saying "you can bring your own, it's fine") or just say that we value her company and will understand if she'd prefer to eat before she arrives. Because she denies there's an issue we have to pretend that we believe that she's always sick/has something else to do etc, and she and her husband miss out on lots of social events. (It's not just with us, this happens with everyone. But only when food's involved).
Could you not just tell them that you have crippling social anxiety and can't come, but hope that they have a lovely time with their guests and your husband?

I have a relative who I'm fairly sure has some kind of eating disorder, and becomes very anxious over any social events which involve food that she hasn't prepared herself. If she could admit to her problem we could find ways around it, (e.g saying "you can bring your own, it's fine") or just say that we value her company and will understand if she'd prefer to eat before she arrives. Because she denies there's an issue we have to pretend that we believe that she's always sick/has something else to do etc, and she and her husband miss out on lots of social events. (It's not just with us, this happens with everyone. But only when food's involved).
Could you not just tell them that you have crippling social anxiety and can't come, but hope that they have a lovely time with their guests and your husband?

The world is set up for people who are not like me

You know what @CurdinHenry you are not special.

Most people feel at odds with the world (ie other people) in some way. Most people feel they don't fit in - some will feel it more often or more intensely, others will feel it fleetingly.

We all have to learn to rub along with each other in a world which can sometimes feel alienating; at other times it can feel wonderful.

What doesn't help is your self-centred sense of wanting to be special or distinctive. We are ALL special. You're no different to anyone else in this. If you thought about how interesting other peope are, and how interesting the world can be, you might do something about this deliberate constricting of yourself.

It pains me to read your posts - I recognise so much in them. But I got over myself, and my life is the richer for it. I couldn't let fear dominate me. It's no way to live.

So according to your other thread young people have no skills and cant do anything but you apparently at your advanced age cant cope with a family gathering
Its all most peculiar

If your dh knows you he'll know you're faking injury/illness because of the anxiety so you may as well just be honest