To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

I suffer with dreadful anxiety and worry about the lead up to an event a lot but it won’t stop me going.
I mentally break down an event into portions and congratulate myself when each portion is complete.
if I need to go to the toilet for a bit of a breather I go.
i push myself all the time and will not stop as I don’t want my anxiety to control me. It is getting harder as I am getting older but I keep at it - perimenopause age so that adds another level to it so similar age to you OP.

It’s your anxiety telling you not to get help. It’s a comfort blanket in many respects. But you don’t have to live this way. It’s not your personality.

you accuse others of being self centered yet your posts demonstrate how self centered you are being.

Don’t get help if you don’t want to. But if that’s the case you should at least own it. Not make stupid excuses which just draw more attention to yourself.

Im harsh here I know, but I have no time for people who won’t help themselves. Your anxiety affects others as well. I say this as someone who had it, got medicated and therapy too.

You just said....
See it's not actually necessarily a medical condition it can be an aspect of permanent personality.

i was just pointing out that social anxiety is a medical condition!

I have ADHD and ASC diagnosed in my 50s. I have severe social anxiety. I fortunately married a man with a tiny family and who is empathetic. However I suffer with severe social anxiety which is I guess somewhat ironic given my job and profession. I don’t like people on the whole and have ruined many relationship and equally put up with bullying to go to various things over the years before I met my DH. Every year I was bullied unwittingly by colleagues to pay for a ticket to go to Christmas party £100 a ticket etc or more and then I would panic and not go. Now I just say no. But that’s after years of counselling.

To your DH I can’t due to my social anxiety and so please don’t ask. I would write and express my apologies to my MIL eg a card to be delivered on the day by your DH that says how much you are thinking of them and have a lovely time.

I have got beta blockers for work etc when needed but it is no way to live I just love my dog and small gatherings.

I am going to a huge WI meeting, I take my tea in the mug and I sit near the exit and I will engage with the meetings but this particular is loud and energetic and so I stay out main things and committee or being roped into stuff.

I will think about it or I will back to you on that or even I’m old school and have a paper diary which I need to check.

There is no such thing as a “non con party consensual invitation”.
How do you even get consent to invite someone to something? Isn’t that literally what the invitation is? So are you saying that first people need to ask you if you want to be invited before inviting you?
🙄

Sorry. “Non consensual party invitation”

I think there’s a massive difference between social anxiety and just accusing people of having parties you consider to be shit and inviting you just to upset you

Ok, so there’s clearly some trauma here and that’s what you need to work on in therapy.

Exam trauma, school trips, dinner table - all that anxiety can analysed out and overcome.

To be fair, the inviter could precede the party invitation with a non-consensual invitation to receive a consensual party invitation in order to non-consensually invite the invitee to confirm whether they are prepared to receive a consensual party invitation.

I am exactly the same, social anxiety is rooted into my personality and always has been. No-one really gets it. Everyone saying just get help, I've tried absolutely everything there's no miracle cure. Medication that got rid of my anxiety changed who I was too it was awful and I still cringe about my behaviour on the tablets. OP what you might want to consider is what CBT did help me with is how to turn down social events and not panic about what other people think since going to them wasn't possible for me. I do think people prefer honesty and I am now able to say "sorry I can't cope with crowds I won't be coming" or something similar. The CBT can help you to cope with the thoughts about what other people might be thinking after you say that. I also learnt to cut things off early on when I can hear where the conversation is going, them "we were thinking wouldn't it be nice to have a group holiday/big night out/family reunion-" me: "argh no not for me, that's my idea of a nightmare!" get in quickly and in an over the top way and people start to hear you a bit more, it feels awful at first because for me it was like a secret I tried to hide but it's less painful than nodding and smiling for 6 months while you've not been sleeping trying to come up with a way to get out of it.

But then you might need one before that and one before that…

This may be my favourite post ever. Ha ha

🎯

OP, reading this makes your other thread even more ridiculous.

You’re slating young people on your other thread for having such poor “basic skills”, and here you are talking about this!

This is batshit OP! An invitation is just that .. an invitation to attend something, or NOT. No one is holding a gun to your head, dragging you along. Fgs you’re a grown woman, NO is a complete sentence.

social anxiety is rooted into my personality and always has been.

People can change. If they want to enough ...

You could say you’re experiencing social anxiety

I think you have to be honest and not make things up. You would be happy to meet your MIL if it were say at your house and just her, it is large gatherings that you cannot manage.

I also think that it being in a remote location makes a difference. Somewhere where you could have the option of leaving after a short period is very different.

It's not something like a wedding of one of your children or a family funeral.

100%

No no no no no. Not enjoying socialising, being introverted and shy, THAT'S a personality trait. If it makes you feel anxious to the extent you're saying, that is not your personality, and that is absolutely something you need to see a doctor about.

Signed,
Someone who's been on anti anxiety meds for the last 5 years. They've given me my life back.

Decide that you don't attend 'functions' and stick to it. I hate social occasions. I have some social anxiety , not like you describe, but I find these occasions awkward and boring. My DH and I just started saying 'No' politely. We send a card and/ or gift if the occasion warrants it. The more we refuse the easier it becomes, it is just something we don't do. Only exception are funerals, we attend the service/ memorial but not the social afterwards. You are allowed to opt out for your mental health. In small groups we are great fun! ((I think).

It’s ok for you to have anxiety. It’s ok for
him to go without you and it’s ok for that to be the reason.

That's so patronising. As I said before I understand how to interact with people because I know what social terror feels like. Im a lot more empathetic in conversation than most people I encounter. It's rude to try to force other people to endure your company and judge them if they don't want it.

I feel I would like you as a friend.

Someone who's been on anti anxiety meds for the last 5 years. They've given me my life back.

That's great to read @TheDenimPoet It's so sad to read about people deliberately limiting their lives.