DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Agreed.

I dont think you have to line up support but you've known the woman a decade or so and it is prob helpful for you that she knows.
I'd go for a WA along the lines of

"Hi Mary,
not sure if Dave told you but we are separating and I have filed for divorce. I wanted to let know i feel lucky to have had you as a mother in law (or some variant) divorce is never easy so there will likely some distance for the next while as we all get used to the 'new normal' but I want you to know you its important to me to maintain the children's relationship with their grandparents and i will facilitate thst where i can. I wish you guys the best blah blah blah"

@mamato3rascals

This. The reality is, he’s potentially going to spin out a bit, unravel, whatever. Notifying your MiL I think would be a decent move, be the bigger person. And it may well be better for you to do so too.

We are getting to the limit of messages (I think!) I know you have a lot going on but please make a second post before it fills up if you can 🤞🏻
You are so close to being in your new place now, you can do it

@mamato3rascals

I expect she would be sympathetic or least neutral but I also think I’ll see a different side to her once I’ve actually gone.

I think you will, too. Because after you've 'vacated' he's going to be running to her and expecting dear old Mum to pick up where you left off. It was 'safe' for her to be sympathetic when she probably believed deep down that you'd never leave him.

Mum......doesn’t think it’s my job to line up his support group and to leave him to it. Maybe I’ll just write her a letter….

Why? What would your motivation be for doing so? I'm with your mum. If she contacts you I certainly wouldn't lie, but I also wouldn't 'begin that conversation' with her. Let him tell her and deal with the fallout.

Also, I think you'd probably prefer to keep a decent relationship with her for the childrens' sakes. So let her find out from him and have time to digest it all.

You feel a great deal of empathy for your husband’s “distress”. I’m afraid I don’t see genuine distress. I see a man whose meal ticket is about to walk out the door. If he cared about you more than the money he has had years to sign the relevant papers. He is full of crap and is “distressed” he isn’t walking away a millionaire.