DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Apologies. Did,nt rtt.

I'm not sure prenups or postnups stand in UK law, particularly in a relatively long marriage with children. Before causing a huge row I would talk to a lawyer, but without his consent in writing I'm pretty sure there is nothing you can do, a verbal promise probably doesn't count as a contract.

If you haven't inherited it yet, how can he have a claim, if you divorce now?

Yes, decorating their rooms in your existing home would be mad. especially as your soon-to-be-ex may well have to sell the place at some point in the next year, after you've moved out.

Your insistence that the future arrangement must be 50:50 also comes across as a bit crazy. From everything you've said, he has never - at any point in the lives of your 3 children - done anything like 50% of the work required in raising them. What makes you think that he'll magically step up and become a competent, reliable parent now?

Far better to (as they say on MN) "get your ducks in a row" and collate all the evidence you'll be able to use to prove that you are their main carer, that you've been responsible for organising pretty much every aspect of their lives (everything from dealing with the school to taking them to the dentist to buying them new shoes/clothes to cooking every single meal they eat...)

Any decent lawyer would easily be able to ensure you get close to full custody. It really doesn't sound like their father will ever really prioritise the needs of the DC over his job/ personal lifestyle.

I can see that you're keen to bend over backwards so he can't complain about you treating him unfairly. But be assured - he will doubtless complain (to your DD, to his parents, to his work colleagues, to any woman unfortunate enough to date him in future.. basically, to anyone who'll listen!) of unfairness whatever you do or don't do at this stage. He is a selfish, over-entitled, disrespectful jerk.

He does not deserve any more from you!
Your children will survive this! They'll probably thank you in years to come, when they fully understand what a wastrel their father is, and how much you've done for them.

PS: I was horrified to read your updates about how much he's been spending on things like the car, the patio-renovation etc and that he's set up a surveillance system to keep an eye on you and your movements 24 hours a day (don't kid yourself it's for security purposes - if it was he'd have made sure you had access to the footage). You could put black electrical tape over the cameras/ movement sensers.

Forgot to say - also, please don't buy new washing machines etc for him, not even 'cheap' ones. Either get second-hand ones, or let him go to the bloody launderette/ put his hand in his own pocket.

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck for getting your place later this week. I keep thinking of you and hoping everything goes really smoothly 🤞🏻

Everything crossed for you OP x

Thank you so much 💐 I picked up the keys today. Husband is in complete denial and doesn’t in fact know that today has happened. I told him two weeks ago, he rallied and told me he had a heap of ideas as to how things can be improved and he would write to me. I didn’t really want to have to go through the cringey couple of weeks of seeing him try. I’m done. Anyway he had grand plans to write me a letter, to change, to book an October half term holiday etc (not that I’d ever go). Did the letter turn up? No. Did he go back to normal service after 4 days? Yes. It all kind of played into my hands.

My DD1 is going to be a nightmare in this next phase. We have a leak upstairs in my son’s room (see earlier posts). It’ll take replacing the entire roof over that part of the house so it’s a job he will never fix (neither will I now because I’m off). I was insistent that before I left I wanted the kids’ rooms moved around so that DH can sleep in the room with water seeping in and my DS can take a different room. It took me all day to move stuff around and ensure DD and DS’ rooms looked lovely. My DD1 absolutely loves her new room (bigger and an en suite). I said during the week (to test the water) that the leak in the roof is so bad that mummy is going to have to rent a house while daddy stays at home to fix the leak because we can’t have a leaky roof over winter. She is almost 9 and is v switched on. She’s gone mad saying that she only wants to move to a rental house in a few months’ time after she’s had a bit more time to be able to enjoy her new room. She loves spending time up there. The reality is actually that the room in our new house is just as nice as this one and has an ensuite etc, but I don’t know whether to still run with the separate houses due to leaky
roof story (then let her get used to the separation and tell her in Jan / Feb that mummy and daddy have grown apart and we’re going to carry on like this) or do we just rip the plaster off. The latter will have more damage I think - she’s a sensitive soul. Any views appreciated!

The plan is to tell DH on Sunday, then move stuff across slowly and quietly over the next 2 weeks. Tell the kids / show them the house the first day of half term in 2 weeks’ time. Im really not too concerned about DH, he’s had plenty of notice and I feel strong enough to take this on, but any tips re: navigating the kids would be much appreciated!

Congratulations on getting your keys 🎉 Thank you for coming back to update us. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for how to navigate things with your daughter, it will probably be totally crap for a while whatever path you choose, but just hold onto the fact that it is the right decision for you and them. And eventually your daughter will know that 💕 Good luck for the gradual move. Please come back to let us know how it all goes 🤞🏻

Well done on getting the keys but you’d be much better off just going, rather than dragging it out. It’ll also only cause confusion with the kids if you say one thing & then it ends up being something else. Be up front & honest (in an age appropriate way) otherwise you risk losing their trust.

Good luck - I hope you make the break soon.

I think you have to tell the children age appropriate versions of the truth OP, or they will be bewildered and won’t understand properly, always waiting to be all together again.
Part of the story is certainly that you need a safe and healthy (non leaky) house but then in that case why isn’t daddy also moving to the new house. So I would have a rethink about that.

It’s an awful time for you and hard to strike the right note with the children. It’s often a question of feeling your way through once you have your grand plan. But I do think the children need to know they will have two loving homes and you and daddy will only have one each from now on.

You have done well to get to this stage and now sound very determined and confident. Hope it goes smoothly for you in the next couple of months.
Wishing you the best of luck. x

@mamato3rascals

I agree with this. A slow move is going to be worse than just going. It's like ripping off the bandaid vs taking it off inch by painful inch.

I think DD's feeling is why many of us said not to 'do up' the DC's rooms there but let the new rooms be done to their taste. She may have been more eager to go to the new house knowing that she'd be getting everything new there. But that's water under the bridge.

I also think honesty is the best policy as far as telling her the truth, in age appropriate terms. As it is you're having her move under somewhat false pretenses and I don't think time will make it any easier on her when you finally tell her you're separating. In fact, children are very perceptive and she may realize already that 'something is going on'. Plus, can you trust your stbx to keep to the story? Won't she wonder why Daddy isn't moving to the 'other house' too? Or at least staying there at times?

My general language around this is "Sometimes mummies and daddies can't get along anymore and they are unhappy. When that happens it's best if they don't live in the same house anymore. So Mummy will have a house and Daddy will have a house and you will have a room in both houses".

Congrats @mamato3rascals you have come so far. Personally I wouldn't tell husband anything at all, don't give him the chance to weaponise the children before you move. Tell him after you have moved. Maybe give it a week and see if he even notices!

Have you put a few things in your daughter's new room that she will be very excited to own? You clearly know your child well but as an example when my best friend and his wife moved with their then 6 year old, they bought a 3 bedroom after renting a 2 bed, much bigger rooms and bought a double bed with drawers for their little girl as she had a fascination with theirs.

Please do also continue to take precautions regarding your safety.

Leaving is the most dangerous time. For your children as well as you.

I think it would be safest to move in one go as soon as possible with family members in attendance and professional removal men.

It's all becoming real now. The children will know. Whatever stories he might have told himself become impossible to continue to believe. The cognitive dissonance of realising what he believed (that you would not leave) is not true is very very painful and people will do terrible things to avoid it.

Your daughter will adapt. She knows more than she lets on but the desire to avoid that cognitive dissonance is even stronger for children when it is forcing them to confront their belief that daddies are always good.

Please be careful

Agreed - please be very careful.

I think move in one go too, without warning him, and tell the dc when you move. Say to dd her room will be there when she goes back since it doesn’t leak, and point out that you worked really hard to make sure they have lovely and safe dry bedrooms in both houses, so they can always spend time with their daddy. (To make it really clear that you’re not stopping them, helping them understand if he starts lying to them) so don’t tell him on Sunday, just plan your speedy efficient move.

I don’t think you need to ‘rip the plaster off’ but don’t lie to her til January either…
yoi husband will likely tell them the truth and paint you as deceitful so my advice would be to tell them gently that mummy and daddy can’t live together anymore, that both still love them but don’t love each other, and will be living separately… they will have 2 homes, and can stay with you once you’ve furnished ( or whatever the situation is) ..
inform school of this change and ask teachers/ELSA to check in with them.

Dragging this out over two weeks is a terrible idea. Rip the band aid off, book a truck on a day he’s not at home and get out of there.

Congratulations and well done!

Don't lie to the children - it will teach them not to trust you, and you’d also be relying on your husband to not tell them the truth anyway.
And I agree with PP who said don’t drag it out. Just go, now.
Its going to be a bit shit for a while either way, so get it over with and give yourself a chance of actually enjoying some family time with the kids at half term rather than moving and going through the shitty bit then.

I really recommend you just do it. Don’t lie to your kids. Don’t spend any more time sorting out your current house. Don’t move slowly and painfully. Book yourself some help and get it done in one day. Making their home a place they don’t want to leave isn’t helping anything.

Parcel tape?

I'm trying to catch up OP. Delighted that you have a plan. However, the way in which he is using your children to manipulate is horrifying. I think that it is entirely possible that your daughter (and your other 2) will flourish when you take them away from this awful and toxic DH, and into a more stable situation.

I'm unsure about the leaky roof story continuing but I obviously don't know your children. They may see it as you fibbing to them in the long term.

Just a thought.

I told my children about divorcing their abusive father a couple of weeks after I started divorce proceedings, when circumstances were that I had little choice. Thankfully I had one of the quickest divorces in history. I paid for the use of a barrister who was amazing. I recommend this. I was able to sell up and move to a wonderful house for me and the children quite quickly. They adapted quickly and were secure, content and happy.

Don't know if any of this helps.

I wish you loads of hugs on your journey. You are a very strong lady!

I agree with the others - don't give him a 2-week heads up and expect that you'll have more time to tell the children. You already know from years of experience that he's happy to weaponise hurting the children if he thinks it will get to you.

If I were you, I'd plan ahead and tell the children first, before he gets in from work. Answer all their questions, maybe take them to see it. Don't forget to let them know that while Daddy might be upset, and it's ok to be upset about things changing, your old house will still be here and he will always own it, and this is going to be better for all of you in the longer term.

Then tell him a few hours later, because you KNOW that as soon as he hears this, he's going to run straight to them and say "Do you know what Mummy has done?! It's going to be AWFUL!"

And they'll be much less bothered if they already feel informed and aware of the plan.

I agree.

There's no hell quite like living with the man you've just dumped who knows he has nothing left to lose. Especially if he uses your kids to get under your skin.

It's been 10 years and my skin's still crawling thinking about it. My kids will never forget it either. It would mean the world to know that my own horrible experience helped another woman avoid the same fate!

I don’t understand the story you’ve told your children to be honest. Presumably they will still be spending somewhere up to 50% of their time in the current house with their father so the leaky roof story won’t stand up to an inquisitive child’s scrutiny. Have you told them that story with the cooperation of your husband? How if he doesn’t know you’re moving out imminently? And how do you ensure his cooperation in the lie over a period of months when you aren’t there?