DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Good luck with your new place. This marriage sounds painful... him not signing is irrelevant now, as you'll be done before the inheritance comes your way.

The kids will be fine.

For the sake of coparenting, to not to get into any arguments with him. The message needs to be that you're not happy in the marriage and you BOTH deserve better than this...moving forwards, the kids need to see their mum and dad can get along and be civil.

I know that's not all in your control.

Honesty is always best. The DCs need to know that they can trust you and that you will always be there for them and that mummy and daddy still love them.

Moving in one go is definitely the way to do it. Get professional movers or your parents people to help and make a swift exit. Assume that anything you leave behind may not be accessible any more - even though legally, it will still be your house too.

Move whilst the DCs are in school/termtime (this will give the DCs some familiar routine still) and H is out. Turn off the wifi to stop the camera working. Collect the DCs from school and take them to their new home. Then, let H know that you have moved.

Get a doorbell camera for your new home too and have this set up before you move in. Do not let H come in to your new space.

Be safe!

So I’ve told him. Tells me I’ll be destroying the children forever. DD1 is v worried about Xmas and being home for Xmas (it’s a v nice house at Xmas- STBExH decorates outside with amazing lights etc) - I said she can definitely be here for Xmas and we could all be together for that one day this year if that’s what she wants. He’s whispering in my daughter’s ear “don’t worry daddy will talk to you at bedtime “ and “this is your home, nowhere else”.

Think I’ll be going sooner!!

- I said she can definitely be here for Xmas and we could all be together for that one day this year if that’s what she wants.

I think at this stage OP, you have to be extremely confident with the children that this is the right thing to be doing and that you are absolutely certain that their new house will be just as magical at Christmas if not more so. The children will be even more confused if they sense you hesitate. Or if they sense you are leaving big decisions like where to be at Christmas, to them.
It’s up to you to lead them with confidence, to tell them what’s happening. Your job to make the best decisions for them and they have to feel you are doing that in order to trust this process and come to feel settled.

Having made the decision to leave him the house, and to want to formalise that decision in the divorce, start as you mean to go on. You are leaving behind that house with its leaky roof and its lazy, entitled occupant who reneges on every single promise he has ever made to you. Let the children see there are no regrets in your heart.

Expect that he will alienate the children against your decision to move out. Be ready with your firm and solid answers now. You are doing this as you are the parent who must make sure you have the finances to ensure they are safe and well cared for and the happiest they can be. You are the one they can rely on.

Let him whisper in their ears and make bedtime promises he won’t keep. It will take a while but they will eventually look back at this stage in their lives and see why you acted the way you did.

In the meantime, these next weeks until the planned move at half term will be difficult for the children. Your husband will be at his very worst. Bitter and spiteful. Desperate.

Is there any way you can move that date forward for you all, now that he knows.

Stay strong OP. Be ready for him to spin allsorts to your DD. I also would be wary about offering to spend Xmas day together, if your DD is struggling it could give her false hope that you'll get back together. I agree with leaving ASAP, hes going to make life hell

This thread has been such a pillar of strength navigating all of this. Thank you.🙏

DD is begging me to ask the owner of the new house if we can go there then. Ive said to her that mummy and daddy often argue as she’s seen and that actually the new house will be better because she’ll have two super cool rooms and none of the shouting and she will
be showered with love and that mummy and daddy will always love her. I explained to her that she doesn’t need to worry about a thing as actually her routine won’t change too much - mummy and daddy already take them on separate holidays and do separate things with them, so that will only just continue but without all the bad feeling in the house. She is worried sick, poor thing. I’m going to do all I can to be moved over quicker. I don’t have a full week this week to do so, but I will try my best for the following week!

That shit he's saying is really damaging to your daughter and will only get worse. And god only knows what he's saying when you're not in earshot. Two weeks is a long time, good luck to you all.

So glad you've got your keys.

He is already starting his manipulation.
Since you've told him, stick to the two weeks story so he thinks he's still got time and get your Dad and his crew round whilst the kids are at school and move asap.
Personally I'd almost be tempted to take them to grandparents for this evening until you move. Since he will be doing everything possible to undermine you.
But maybe others will have better ideas.

Tell the school .
On moving in day for them, get your mum and dad there if you think they would be helpful... have some nice food and keep everything as calm as possible.

Also from what you've said previously, Your dad will be able to help you with proper lawyers. Ask him to get that underway.

Im sure this is hard for you but I think it's a hurdle you will have leap. Please don't get sentimental about it, or him, or his relationship with the children. Stop being so explainatory. Strict Information diet would be best.

From what you've said, he's not exactly a hands on dad...They know this. Will he even want 50 50? Your intention is to disengage... so stick to that as much as possible.

Keep reminding yourself that this is a manipulative man. You are his meal ticket He won't want to let that go easily and he will be angry and desperate. You and your DC need to be safe. Don't debate or argue. You don't have to listen to him or say anything. Have faith in yourself.

Don't let him near your new place. Do NOT let him inspect it. It's your home now. Disengage as much as possible.
Change all your passwords
I don't know what else to suggest really, except - don't wait. Bandaid off

Wishing you all the luck Just keep imagining yourselves settled in, without the constant worry and being back in control of your life.

@LAMPS1 's advice re the DC sounds sensible @mamato3rascals
Please remember now that every time you tell him your plans, he will do his best to disrupt things. He knows you are moving you. Try to make sure from now on until you are safely in, that's all he knows. Try not to engage and keep his drama to a minimum... use deflections like "we will cross that bridge when we come to it." etc.

If I’m honest OP, you are faffing around far too much and you need to just get packed and get into the new house. These delays are just upsetting everyone and particularly the children. Call in sick for a few days or have some emergency leave and get some movers booked even if they have to pack it all for you.

The strange thing is that the first thing he did when I told him I’d got a new place was to search on right move for 4 bed rental houses that had said recently let. He came in asking if that’s where I was going to. He will not do anything untoward / won’t come there etc, he’s just so nosy! Literally minutes after I told him he walked out and clearly that’s what he was doing.

@mamato3rascals

Keep your plans and actions close to your vest. Although I still think moving as soon as possible is a good idea, you obviously need to consider DD in your timings. Just remember that IMHO as long as you and DD are there, the more poison he's going to drip in her ear and the more he's going to tug at her little heartstrings. Sometimes it's just better to go now even if the child gets upset. They're resilient little things and your love and common sense will get her through the transition.

Since he's starting to show his hand, now is a good time for you to start keeping a log of any and all negative things he says about you and any 'undermining' he does with DD. Keep track of any 'threats' he makes regarding future child access or division of assets. And once you're out, about promises made to DD he fails to keep. This can be important in child access negotiations and I guarantee he is going to turn nasty. Most of them do.

This is going to be the rough part. Him knowing your plans and you still being in the house. Walk carefully and if you haven't yet, get all important papers and certificates OUT of the house. Be sure you have changed all your passwords. If there are sentimental items that you can remove for 'safekeeping' without him noticing, do so.

You know, when my BFF left her abusive ex, she refused to allow him to cross her doorstep. She said she wanted no memories of him ever being in her new home. Something to think about, although probably not practical with DD. BFFs son was only a toddler so had no memories of living in the same house with his dad.

You should move tomorrow. This is really toxic and you need to take emergency leave from work and get it done. Leave whatever you don’t definitely need and just go. Your kids will only start feeling better when they see what’s happening for real and not just this long and drawn out chaos.

I find it Strange that you think his reaction was strange!!

Of course he's trying to find out where you moving to!

I cannot emphasise enough. Do not let him in. If DD wants to show him her bedroom, record a video. But keep your space. You will appreciate that longer term

This! I can’t believe how much you are dragging this out. Be safe & get out as soon as you can!

OP I really don't understand why you're constantly telling him what you're doing in advance, you're just setting yourself up for him to screw around with you and the kids.

He's emotiallnally manipulative and abusive and you're just giving him ammunition.

I get that you're probably conditioned to consult him on every tiny thing and try to keep him happy and not kicking off, but that's over, you're not a team anymore, he's made it very clear he's not above upsetting the kids to upset you, and he isn't acting in good faith at all.

Have some time off when he's not there, move your stuff out in one hit, and only tell him after it's all done so he can't fuck it up!

This! For all the obvious reasons- he'll ramp up the anti more and more while you're still in the house. It'll be awful for you and especially for your kids. Just get out of the house tomorrow.

Dear @mamato3rascals He's actively looking for ways to disrupt you.
That's not just nosey.
Next time he asks if that's where your moving.. and shows you a random house - just say Yes!! or That could be it.. hard to tell from the pictures.
Is the new property all signed and deposit paid?

Stop telling him things, be vague, say you don't know, you're still thinking. "I hear what you are saying" "I'm not 100 per cent sure yet." " Well you have a point, I'll certainly think about what you've just said."
If he thinks its in two weeks, let him think that. If you move it forwards you don't have to confess.

It would be less drama for the DC, If you brought the move forward. You've made the decision as pps said.. Show the DC you believe in it. If the delay is because of some cosmetic changes to the new place, leave all that until you are actually in. Your Dad had people willing to help you. They should be on standby as he will clearly be kicking up a fuss when he sees its real.

As for your son's room with the roof leak.It would be a good idea to have photographs of that and of Ex's room.

Wishing you all the very best, say strong.

So have you now told the children it is a separation rather than blaming the leaky roof?

Just go ASAP. I wish you strength and speed.

Ill add in that if he starts with trying to manipulate the children ie mummy is bad she's doing this to us etc
Write it down and keep note as this can be labelled parental alienation or coercive at best.
And will go against him when it comes to custody.
It shows he is not a safe person for the children and manipulative.

You really need to state categorically that any attempted manipulation of the children will not be tolerated and you will be documenting it all, as parental alienation attempts. He sounds like he'll do whatever as he's proved already but so he's at least aware thar you see what he's doing and won't tolerate it. He's making it worse.

Just replying quickly mid-chaos. He is in pure desperation mode - didn’t seem to see it coming (madness- there have been so many emails and WhatsApps trying to get him to engage). He is distraught, can hardly speak from his voice quivering. He left me an 18 minute voice note this morning which (sorry for being insensitive) was basically a verbal This Is Your Life episode. “We met in X in 2019, we got married in Y, beautiful DD1 came along and we were in the most wonderful bubble, we did this, we did that… if I could ever go back to one period in my life it’d be then” etc. He used so many cliches about us needing to pull together, we are “stronger together”, that this is the last thing the kids would want. He also (which gave me the ick) kept saying “I want to just have a conversation with you as my wife”. So many references to us sitting down to talk as “husband and wife”. I asked Chat GPT which basically said his response was normal, that he is in panic and grief mode which apparently often results in someone reliving the past.

How has he not seen this coming. I feel so insensitive saying this but I’m cringing listening to him talk about stuff like companionship once the kids have left home in years to come (I can’t ever imagine spending time with him - I don’t have that feeling any more; I feel completely numb, like he’s burnt every ounce of feeling in my body towards him). Wants me to please reconsider the house. Keeps replaying life events to me over the last 10 years - when we’ve had holidays and nights away (not recent ones I hasten to add, he’s delved through the archives).

Selfishly, I’ve never been so clear in my mind - I feel sorry for him that he didn’t see it coming but how on earth do I deal with this man who is now on the floor with devastation. I keep telling myself it’s not like this is a last minute decision- this has gone on for YEARS, he’s had more than enough time to engage. The first time I actually I instigated letters via a solicitor was Oct 2022, and that’s because things had been so bad for 2-3 years before then and I’d had enough.

It is the strangest feeling - on one hand, riddled with guilt and feel desperately sorry for him whilst on the other feeling so excited and relieved about what’s ahead.

DD1 will need some navigation but I keep telling myself that she has had such an impact on my actions for so many years (which has held me back ever going) that enough is enough and I am feel braver than ever to do this, including navigating her needs and feelings.

Any advice on how to deal with this emotional guilt trip on which I’m about to embark, is this a normal reaction? I don’t think he’s acting.

Honestly OP at this point you just deflect and refuse to engage. He's manipulating you. Just get out. Today. Once he sees you won't give him anything after all this nonsense he will (hopefully) back up. But as long we you keep listening and trying and stalling and dragging this whole thing out he will keep trying it on with you. You need to get out of that house. Now. Today.