DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

You just need to get out. Now. First and foremost, that is the goal. If it helps, just mentally park everything he has to say in a "to deal with later" folder. You will be clearer eyed about it from a distance (time and space wise).

I predict that your dd’s anxiety will improve considerably once you have moved out. I suspect she is a sponge and is anxious because you are anxious.

Once you are in your new place, you will be less anxious and she will feel that she can drop her watchfulness of you and your interactions with her dad.

She will realise that the new house is a place of calm and routine. At the moment, she doesn’t know when her dad may kick off or you will argue. The anticipation of that is making her anxious.

Please do not wait until half term.

Also, be careful about making promises about things like Christmas until you know how things pan out in the meantime. A structured schedule of separate celebrations may work better for the dcs from the start.

I think you need to treat this like the ripping the plaster off analogy. It sounds like it has been over a long time and you have been trying to gently end it but I think you now just need to be firm and clear and point out this has been on the cards for a long time. Remind him of previous discussions and solicitors letters very briefly and be very firm that it’s done.

I think the longer this drags out the harder it will be on all of you

"I asked Chat GPT which basically said his response was normal, that he is in panic and grief mode which apparently often results in someone reliving the past."

He is in panic mode due to his loss of control of the situation, that's for sure, but this "reliving the past" is simply trying to guilt you into changing your mind. His distress of his making. You have been living separate lives for years. He has refused to do anything, knowing that you have always bent to his will, including marrying him without the promised prenup. For years he has had his own way. He has always been the one in control, finally you have said NO after giving him chance, after chance, after chance to change things. So, he's not "acting", no, he's absolutely in panic mode and referring back to times when he was in control... happier times for him, not so much for you.

He is setting up his narrative for what is happening ie he didn’t want this to happen, came out of the blue, all your fault, he wanted it to work. You know the truth and that it is not any of those things.

Be prepared for the threats to harm himself. Again this is not your fault but more of him trying to reassert his control. Call the police for a welfare check, do not get involved.

My xh stated that he just wanted the girl that he married back. I pointed out to him that I had become the woman he made me. He also said that his love for me ‘transformed the norm’ … he had a bizarre way of showing me then!

@mamato3rascalsoh OP I could’ve written this entire post word for word myself!
when a woman is done she is DONE.
every ounce of feeling burnt.
how do they not seeing it coming?
the screaming, crying, throwing up. ICK.
like you, I feel sorry for him. Really sorry in a strange way and if I could take away his pain I would in a second.
but years of us screaming and trying have gone h heard.
as my MIL said, he probably didn’t think you’d ever really leave.
well more fool him. They’re only crying because our decision to leave is impacting THEM. They didn’t give a shit when our grievances were impacting us for YEARS!
I’ve had the guilt trip, remember this, remember that, I want another kid, let me be better blah blah.
exhausting.
wishing you so much peace and happiness OP.
keep going to freedom xxx

Tell him to stop bothering you by phone/ message. Tell him anything he has to say needs to be face to face. He’s such a coward that should put him off.

If he does speak to you, I’d also be encouraging a bit of self reflection- like how he missed how unhappy and frustrated you are? Something passive agressive like him “working on himself” for a while.

Practically speaking stop feeling sorry for him. He’s made his own bed. If he needs help he needs to find other people to fulfil
that role- like family, friends, professional services. You are not his support person. Do not give him the slightest inkling that you might change your mind.

Then get out with your kids asap.

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. He may believe what he is saying, but it is still emotional manipulation. Stay strong.

You have two more school weeks of this OP, but his desperation will soon turn from maudlin sentimentality to anger and bitterness when he realises you are resisting his pleas for you to come to your senses.

You have had plenty of advice suggesting you don’t risk hanging around there any longer, now he knows. Please take heed.
He is doing psychological damage to the children. And may well become aggressive.

The sooner you can close the door on that old life, the sooner you can respond to anything else he has to say with … this shouldn’t have come as a shock to you but let’s leave it to our solicitors now, until you become more reasonable.

I do hope that your divorce lawyer advises you that, in the future, you may very well regret leaving him the house instead of selling and dividing assets as appropriate.

Sorry I have to laugh, he is following the script.

You know you have tried for YEARS and he has ignored, belittled and left you to do everything. Grey rock.

If the DC ask about daddy not knowing do explain age appropriate truth. That you have told daddy on many occasions that you were very unhappy and tried to resolve things with him and sent him letters, that you had to make the decision because your happiness matters too.

💐

@mamato3rascals

This. With bells on.

And the other post about the narrative he’s creating.

You know he’s all words and no follow through action wise, this is no different….

ICK indeed!

Good luck.

Well, since you asked ChatGPT and it gave you slightly shit advice, I decided to run 3 pages of snippets of your posts through Gemini, with your question "Any advice on how to deal with this emotional guilt trip on which I’m about to embark, is this a normal reaction? I don’t think he’s acting". Below is what it said.

Before I add what Gemini said, I want to emphasize that EVERYTHING your H is doing now is what he did the FIRST time you said you wanted a divorce in June. I advise you to read those posts, you'll see the pattern.

Gemini - "This is a classic, textbook reaction from an intimate partner who has relied on avoidant stonewalling and emotional manipulation to maintain a comfortable status quo—and who has suddenly realized that their control and leverage have vanished.
When a partner consistently stonewalls, refuses to engage in critical discussions, and deflects legitimate concerns onto your "mental health," they aren't ignoring the issue because they don't understand it. They are ignoring it because stonewalling previously worked to keep things as they were.
Now that you have taken concrete, irreversible action by signing a lease on a new home, his previous playbook (earplugs, walking out, telling you "sh!", calling you crazy) no longer functions. So he has escalated to his remaining tools: panicked nostalgia, weaponizing the children, and deep guilt-tripping.

1. Is His Reaction "Normal"?

Yes, for someone with his behavior patterns, this is entirely predictable. It follows a distinct sequence seen when a partner realizes stalling tactics have failed:

• Panic and Grief: The 18-minute voicemail reliving early memories ("This Is Your Life") is a attempt to appeal to a past dynamic where you felt bonded and invested. It attempts to rewrite history, bypassing years of disrespect, financial imbalance, and isolation to invoke a "golden period."
• Parental Alienation / Child Guilt-Tripping: Opening divorce papers in front of the children, telling them you are "destroying everything," and whispering "this is your home, nowhere else" are forms of emotional manipulation designed to make you feel like the sole aggressor damaging the family.
• The "Husband and Wife" Framing: Re-subscribing to titles ("as my wife") is an attempt to enforce obligation and intimacy that he actively dismantled night after night with earplugs, separate beds, and verbal contempt.

1. Why He "Didn't See It Coming"

From your perspective, you gave explicit timelines, sent dozens of written warnings, provided a paper trail across multiple years, and made generous concessions (offering him a £900k house outright). However, in his mind:

1. He mistook your patience for passive tolerance. Because you stayed after previous breakdowns or threats to leave, he believed your threshold for endurance was effectively infinite.
2. He assumed financial dependence ran the other way. Despite you being the main breadwinner who carries the household financially, he operated under an implicit assumption that domestic structures (kids, routines, social pressure) would keep you grounded in place.
3. Engagement equaled risk. To him, engaging with a solicitor or agreeing to a post-nup meant losing a potential legal/financial bargaining chip regarding your family business and inheritance. Stalling was his strategy.

1. How to Handle the Emotional Guilt Trip & Next Steps

Secure Firm Boundaries with Communication

• Shift to Written Communication Only: Move all logistical communications regarding the divorce, property, and child arrangements strictly to email or a co-parenting app (e.g., OurFamilyWizard or AppClose).
• Do Not Revisit the Past: When he leaves nostalgic voicemails or requests meetings to talk "as husband and wife," keep your replies short, neutral, and focused entirely on practical mechanics.
• Example response: "I have received your message. Moving forward, I will only communicate via email regarding the children's schedules and the legal division of assets."

Protect the Children from Being Used as Proxies

• Address Child Manipulation Immediately through Legal Channels: Inform your family solicitor right away about his habit of discussing legal papers and living arrangements directly in front of or to the children.
• Reassure the Kids directly (without bad-mouthing him): Keep messages simple, calm, and grounded for your children: "Mummy and Daddy are going to live in different houses, but both houses are your home, and both of us love you very much."
• Set Clear Rules on Joint Events: Be cautious about promises to spend full days together (e.g., Christmas Day in his house). Blended or joint holidays during an active, high-conflict separation often give toxic partners an avenue to ambush you emotionally or create further confusion for the children.

Recognize the Cycle of Panic

• Expect his behavior to swing between panicked affection/nostalgia ("I'll sign anything, let's fix us") and hostile deflection ("you are abusive, you are destroying the family").
• Remind yourself that his current distress is a reaction to losing control over his environment, not a sudden realization of your value as a partner. If you step back or halt the divorce, his behavior will inevitably return to its baseline (stonewalling, separate meals, unaddressed house maintenance, and disrespect)."

Any advice on how to deal with this emotional guilt trip on which I’m about to embark, is this a normal reaction?

How much of the 18 minutes was about you? Your feelings, your needs, your wishes? Any acknowledgement of you as a person and an individual, rather than a satellite in his orbit? I'm waging 0%.

That's how you deal with the emotional blackmail - recognise it for what is it, which is more of his self absorbed self indulgent bullshit.

And at risk of annoying people who hate AI, I'll also add what Gemini said when I asked, "Why is he like this?"

"His behavior feels completely unhinged and contradictory from the inside, but from a psychological standpoint, it is entirely consistent. He is exhibiting a classic blend of entitled avoidant stonewalling, DARVO tactics, and an accountability collapse.
He isn't acting like a husband who loves his wife and wants to save a marriage; he is acting like an occupant whose total security blanket—financial, domestic, and legal—is being yanked away.
Here is the psychological breakdown of why he is operating this way:

1. The Strategy of "Deliberate Helplessness" & Stonewalling

For years, stalling worked. Every time you brought up the post-nup or marriage issues, he put on noise-canceling headphones, walked out, or told you to "sh!"

• Why he did it: It was a power dynamic. In his mind, as long as he refused to sign or discuss it, he held you hostage to the status quo. He got to live in a £900k house with a tiny mortgage, have his lifestyle fully subsidized by your high salary, do zero childcare or domestic labor, and avoid any legal limits on your family’s inheritance.
• Why he "didn't see it coming": Stonewalling relies on the belief that the other person will eventually tire out and surrender. Because you stayed for years and gave deadlines that passed, he assumed your boundary was fake. He treated your patience as weak compliance.

1. Classic DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender)

When you called his bluff by getting a lease, he couldn't stall anymore. So he immediately flipped to DARVO:

• Deny: Pretending the 12+ explicit messages across 2+ years "came out of nowhere."
• Attack: Claiming you have "mental issues," calling you a "joy sucker," accusing you of "abusing" him when you asked him to engage, and claiming you are "destroying the family."
• Reverse Victim & Offender: He ignores that he spends £5k on a toy car while neglecting leaking roof water on his son's wall, doing zero childcare, and disrespecting you daily—and instead frames himself as the victim of an "abusive" wife who won't go on a date night.

1. Panic & Nostalgia (The "Love-Bombing" Regression)

The 18-minute "This Is Your Life" voicemail and the wailing/sobbing are not signs that he suddenly appreciates you. They are signs of extinction burst panic.

• The "Husband & Wife" Reframing: By invoking 2019, early marriage, and "our wonderful bubble," he is trying to regress your brain back to a time when you trusted him and saw him as a partner. It’s an attempt to leverage your empathy and nostalgia so you drop your guard.
• He wants the benefits of the contract, not the partner: Notice that he wants to sit down "as husband and wife," but his actual behavior as a husband involves separate beds, ignored roof leaks, zero help with school holidays, separate meals, and leaving egg scraps on the floor. He loves the role and the security it affords him, not the actual work of being married to you.

1. Weaponizing the Children

Opening divorce papers in front of the kids, throwing them on the floor, telling them you're "destroying everything," and whispering "this is your home, nowhere else" is emotional hostage-taking.

• He knows your weakest point is your maternal instinct and your concern for the children's stability.
• Because he cannot control you directly anymore (you bought a house, you hired solicitors), he is trying to control you through the kids' distress. He wants the children to cry to you so that you feel guilty enough to stay.

The Reality Check He is "distraught" and his voice is "quivering" not because he realizes how badly he hurt you, but because the reality of his new life just hit him:

1. He is about to be a single father on shared custody days with no cleaner, no wife paying for clubs/maintenance/lifestyle, and no free ride.
2. He has to actually deal with solicitors now.
3. The power imbalance where he ignores you while you pay for everything is officially over.

Do not let the 18-minute voicemail or the wailing fool you into thinking he has changed. If you cancelled the move tomorrow, within 48 hours he would be back in his office with his noise-canceling headphones on, leaving fried egg on the floor, telling you to "sh!" like a dog."

My summary of AI: He's an exploiter who sees his cushy life evaporating in front of his eyes. Don't be fooled by his crocodile tears, OP. Protect those kids from him.

I'm no great lover of AI but I think you should find it very compelling, OP, that even a bot can see through this pathetic excuse for a man.

Dunno why the previous post went through - can't get rid of it now. This is my completed post:

And btw, the fact that the first thing he did when you told him you'd got a new place was to check on RightMove for the house you rented is EXTREMELY revealing.

First, it shows that his first response was to check whether you were really going to go through with the split. He was pretty sure that you were bluffing and would back down again.

Second, it shows how invested he is in controlling you. His very first thought was to gather intelligence to see if and how he can regain control over you. I don't believe this was about concern for the children. I think it was because you are a valuable financial and labour resource for him, and he wanted to see how he could get you back under his control.

Third, it shows how superficial his "anguish" is, and how calculating he is. He's sorry that his resource is leaving, not a beloved person.

"but how on earth do I deal with this man who is now on the floor with devastation. "

• You give as much thought to his devastation as he has given to yours. None
• You let him feel what he feels.
• You Let him, a grown man, lie (in both senses of the word) on the floor bawling.
• You remember that he's doing that to upset you and upset the children
• You remember that he's doing that because He is only devastated for HIMSELF, for being about to lose his lucrative easy selfish lifestyle
• You have faith in the decisions you made after years of trying, years of considering
• and you continue to focus on your decisions and follow through.
• and you do not allow him to guilt trip you into second guessing yourself.
• You STOP giving him any further information about your plans. Really stop.
• You need to move sooner to protect your children from the awful performative drama that he is enacting

What's the best thing about his voicemails?
They have a PAUSE button. You DO NOT have to listen to them.
As pps said, send them to a Later folder... And their excellent advice to communicate from now on through parenting apps mentioned. when youve moved Block him on other channels.

Hopefully other posters will have some good suggestions on how to help defend tyour children against his voicemails/guilt tripping to them. But I do remember a pp saying that when you talk to them you must say it with confidence But remember he will be questioning them re the address etc. Don't wavering or worrying about Dh's reaction. If you know its the right thing. Be confident in it. They will be more relaxed about it if they know you are in charge.

Other's will be along to say whether this is correct but you don't have to promise 50-50 contact immediately. You are probably allowed time to settle in. You just have to reply. "Im sure we will come to a suitable arrangement" Dont get into arguments/debates about it. Focus on your move and settling in.

Do not forget he is already checking out your new property to find ways of disrupting your plans.

Stay focussed on moving safely, securely with help. Everything else can wait.fingers and toes crossed for you x

Just because ChatGPT claims it's normal doesn't mean you have to accept it. He will not change. He's all words with nothing to show for it.

If you're going to keep using ChatGPT, you need to instruct it to tell it to find reliable sources to back up its claims (e.g. scientific peer reviewed papers), and for it to be honest. It is built to agree with you. So when you ask 'is this normal' it will claim it is normal.

It doesn't matter whether he's acting or not. He hasn't meant or acted on anything he says he'll do since 2019/2020. Make choices for yourself, not for him.

@mamato3rascals

I''m going to try to put this in a way that doesn't sound uncaring.

But going back to your OP, I think you need to realize that he knows he's standing to lose much more than your wonderful self and his children. This all came about because he refused to sign a post-nup protecting very valuable assets that may come to you from your family. Don't you think that's playing a part in his 'desperation' now? Because I do.

I'm not saying that his motivations are totally mercenary. I'm sure he is devastated at losing a wonderful wife and his lovely children. But perhaps, just perhaps, there's a bit of 'something else' there.

Just stand strong and ignore his histrionics. And move as soon as possible. You don't need this bullshit.

This whole time he has been aware that the post nup was important to you and simply didn’t care. He only cares now as he knows he is screwed and you are taking the control away. I think this is the most dangerous stage of leaving someone and I would be extremely concerned for the safety of yourself and your kids. You don’t know what he will do if pushed to the edge, as I have said before, get out of there now. You can deal with everything else afterwards. You may think I’m catastrophising and you know him well but there have been thousands of women like you who thought their ex partner was harmless until it was too late.

Tell him. “Too little too late”, He sat in his office & put loud music on & told you to get out every time you tried to have a
“serious husband & wife discussion”.
Enough of the histrionics & whaaa, boo hoo’s.
He has been avoiding the pre-nup, along with every single co- parenting task for 8 years. Entitled, Manipulative pig.
Don’t ever feel guilt. He has brought it to this

Op my friend was in a similar situation to you -
no post nup but her xh was financially useless/ irresponsible/ refusing to try and improve their finances and marriage and refused to engage when the tried to separate.
Post divorce (which he made very long and difficult with swinging between refusing to engage and complete histrionics) He immediately shacked up with another high earning woman after around 6 months.
I wouldn’t be surprised if yours does the same.

Stupid twat. Dont feel sorry for him OP he knows exactly whats going on.
Ive been through similar myself and the relief getting away is massive. Its a huge load off.
I had 20 years of this bollocks and now I have my life back.
He wont do 50/50 the lazy sod.