DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

@mamato3rascals

I agree with @Hailstoness , don't engage further with him. If he starts in again just say "Stop. I have explained my feelings to you already. Nothing you can say or do at this point will change my decision."

I might be tempted to add "So please, have a little dignity and let me go with no further conversations". But I expect that might be a wee bit too much.

This! And Your DH know it. Why on earth would he pre nup now when your marriage is rocky. He’s going to hold out. You need to divorce asap before you inherit- don’t forget it could take a long time to actually be divorced!

Wow. incredible message OP. I honestly hope he reads and absorbs it. Sadly I fear he wont. But it must have been cathartic to send for you. Take care

Read all of OP's posts. Things have significantly moved on since OP's first post in April.

You might need to rethink your username lol.

6 months and 850+ posts later, you didn't consider that the situation may have evolved?

Who seriously reads 850 posts! HTH. lol indeed .

You can read the OP posts on their own.

You don’t need to. OP has only written 33 replies.

Do you have an update OP? I’m really hoping you are now happily in your new home.

How are things @mamato3rascals?

You’re going to have to divorce him, financially to protect yourself unfortunately.
the fact he’s refusing AND in the relationship is in dire straights tells me he’s waiting for you to inherit and then he’ll walk- with half.

you’ve been foolish moving forward without one, but his word means nothing, don’t be foolish twice.

im sorry your marriage has taken a turn, genuinely.
the alternative is that you don’t inherit at all. Perhaps you should tell your husband you’ve decided to prioritise your marriage and therefor forgo your inheritance. I think that will be telling too.

Argh apologies, I did not infact read the full thread..

@mamato3rascals I’m another one who has been following this thread & willing you on - how’s everything going?

If it was me, I wouldn’t be offering the failure to sign the pre or post nup as the reason for the separation. I’d focus on other behaviours. You long text you’ve set out only talks of the pre / post nup. It sounds very money grabbing and like you fully anticipate separation at some point anyway. Everything else is about his reaction to the divorce because of the failure to sign.

Sorry for the silence, it has been non stop! I am drowning in boxes and have done various car loads all week but getting there. My clothes are mostly now all across so my dressing room is virtually bare - I shut the door tight to that room so he couldn’t go in snooping to see what was happening but when I got back last week the door was opened (it’s too tight a handle for the kids) so he is clearly checking what I’m up to. I have hardly seen him as I went into the office for two long days this week, then had a pre-planned night away with Mum last night. The removals van arrives on Monday to take the big things and I have new beds and furniture all arriving on Tuesday and later during the course of the week. I’m now looking at which day to actually “go”. I am away with work next week Weds to Fri which is unhelpful but can’t be missed and in the diary a long time, so likely I will take the children across on the weekend provided I have all furniture etc put together then. Have asked Dad’s helpers to assist whilst I’m away so I don’t “lose” those few days.

He hasn’t really bothered me - he can see it’s happening, and I have received another long VN which tells me how desperately sad he feels about the whole situation, never saw this coming; his failure to reply to the 4x solicitors letters I’d previously sent is because he “isn’t good at admin” (I’d class those as a bit more than admin!); the way he treated mum is because he felt I was telling her what was going on (he makes a meal of that - by the end she’s the only person I had for support); and - the final thing - was “why don’t I come too?” to the new house and we can hit apart the old, leaky house we live in and do it up (he didn’t say with whose money…..). I laughed out loud at that bit. In his latest VN he tells me how he needs help, which is ironic given the years of me “needing to see someone” and having issues. When I’ve gone he will cope very badly and he said he hasn’t told anyone as yet, I’m half considering whether I should call my MIL the weekend I go to tell her myself what’s happened (she knows things have been bad but never probably accepting that I’d go) and ask her to come to stay with him as I expect he’ll need some support. That will also make him less likely to create any stress for me.

The new house is starting to look great but I just need furniture delivered now. Have a big week of moving / working away ahead but then we’re into half term mode and I need to get the kids in and over the shock. Thank you for all the support! Xx

The text definitely didn’t just talk about the post nup and if you read the full thread, with all other issues we have, the post nup was essentially the final nail in the coffin and his reluctance to engage (and the way he dealt (or didn’t deal) with that just gave me the final push I needed to call time. There were other fundamental issues around the post nup, many of which detailed below.

Well done, OP. Sounds full on and tough!

I remember someone posting that he’d suggest he went to the new place too! 😂

Good luck next week! 🤞

Yes, I think notifying his mum once you’re out would be sensible. You don’t want to then get dragged into how he’s struggling as an ongoing thing, but a handover as such, so she knows he’ll need support, (and so she knows you’ve left, goodness knows how long he’d leave it otherwise!)

I hope the kids settle ok. It’ll be easier once you’re in the new place and you can talk, and you’ll be more relaxed, they’ll pick up on that!

"I’m half considering whether I should call my MIL the weekend I go to tell her myself what’s happened (she knows things have been bad but never probably accepting that I’d go) and ask her to come to stay with him as I expect he’ll need some support. That will also make him less likely to create any stress for me."

Is your MIL likely to be sympathetic to you, or at least neutral?

Last time I told her I couldn’t take any more and was looking at going (in June), she didn’t speak to him for a month. So I expect she would be sympathetic or least neutral but I also think I’ll see a different side to her once I’ve actually gone. She’s very traditional and is of the view that whatever happens you rear children together (those words have been used). But I think she’s probably had a similar ish experience with his dad for years so she will resonate to some of this. Having discussed with mum
the past couple of days, she doesn’t think it’s my job to line up his support group and to leave him to it. Maybe I’ll just write her a letter….

I agree it’s not your job to line up his support group. Just move out, even if you’re camping in the new house for a bit.

I agree with your mother to some extent but if it'll make YOUR life easier if MIL being there to support STBX, I'd give her a heads up.

Also, would MIL be likely to contain STBX's weaponising of the kids? If so, I'd definitely rope her in.

I wouldn't get into a discussion with her though: you shouldn't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) yourself to anyone. How this man has behaved is outrageous.

Has he implied or made threats of self-harm?

It’s not a black-and-white decision whether to contact support for him. While it may not be ‘your job’ it may be the kind (or best risk management) thing to do. What is the risk if you don’t? What is the cost if you do?

MIL has been your MIL for some years and will remain a loving grandmother to your children hopefully, so I think it’s only courteous to explain what has happened from your point of view asap, but only once you are are gone from the house for the last time. I hope you can stay on good terms with her.

I suggested a couple of days ago that he might well assume that he can wheedle his way into moving into the new house with you all, using the children to plead his case for him. I am guessing that’s the hope he is holding onto.

Don't give him a chance to get his mother on side to expect that that might be something you would agree to. Make sure she clearly knows it is finally over with all last chances of any reconciliation long gone.

Good luck OP. You are having to balance so many things for now as well as your career. Your mind must be spinning but you are actually doing incredibly well.

He is not your responsibility in any shape whatsoever.
He has emotionally abused you for years.
Focus on the move and getting away from him.
Nothing else.
You owe him nothing.

I agree that you owe him nothing. He is an adult and perfectly able to contact his own mother if he needs to.

Regarding the vn, I hope that you just ignored them? Only respond to messages about the dcs now. You will need to train him to realise that you will not respond to anything about your relationship (past or future), only the DCs and then, only if a response is required. A good old ‘thumbs up’ is very useful!

You are doing amazingly. Nearly there!