DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

No. Don't decorate them. He will likely use this against you but also just you need to drop the rope completely. You need to get used tp the fact you cannot control him or the environment he provides for the kids.
I remember worrying terribly about the kids when I was divorcing and the fact Id left the marital home. My therapist put me straight. She said the kids will view home as where they feel comfortable emotionally not where they see nice stuff on the walls. So it is you, you create the home with words, actions and the love you give. So don't worry about anything else

Let DH do it. Drop the rope with a loud thud. He can let them down—your effort needs to be in making their new rooms nice. Maybe they can choose their own wardrobes and desks? New curtains and light fixtures (things that are easy to remove from a rental)?

Buying very cheap replacements for stuff you take is a great idea.

I think you need to spend your time, energy and money on the priorities - getting the new house set up properly, disentangling yourself and keeping yourself safe.

The kids can have lots of fun new things in their new home. That also counts. You know he won't take care of anything properly in his home and he will find something else to judge you for anyway so you can't save yourself from that.

Kindly @mamato3rascals Your new rental starts on 1st October. That's just two weeks. Listen to your Mum!!!

You have soooo much to plan and organise and pack, cameras to disconnect, removals to plan, you will overwhelm and stress yourself out. That's why you don't need this big overbearing guilt tripping accusatory talk. He only wants that because he's cross that you are standing up to him. Try to keep things calm, for your own safety and sanity.

Kick all those cans down the road. The old bedrooms, the damp wall, how his arrangements will work, the courtesy talk, the school uniforms EVERYTHING. and put them in a file marked LATER. Put the Pre Nup in the bin.

Only think about your new home/ new life and what is needed for that. Settle in, you have exams I think someone said? Carve out some time to clear your head and deal with that. If you think this will disrupt them, find out of there is some leeway for this. Or do you mean your DC's exams.
I can tell you right now. They will be much less distracted without all of his shenanigans going on.
The kids have been so good because they knew you needed their support. They have your back. When you have your new place, you can take them out somewhere fun Step by Step. You can't do everything at once. Pace yourself.

You already know he won't put much effort into parenting.. maybe a performative bit at first to show the world how hard done by he is.. so hopefully you will have the kids as much as you like. So don't spend your time worrying about how he will organise it.
Start doing things just for yourself and for DC..

And whatever your do.. Don't let him ever step foot in your new home. Particularly if he says he wants to see the children. Remember that's why he's in your home now. The home you have to leave. Drop them off... and only communicate by text and about the DC. Best of luck

Yes, I agree with pps, you can follow through with your promise and decorate their new bedrooms at your house.

FWIW when I left the family home and moved into a rental, it was pretty grim. Everything was bright green - the carpet, the kitchen, the hideous vertical blinds. But we made it our home, and my kids (now in their 20s) say how much they loved it there - for them, it was all about the 'vibe' as they would say. Calm and happy.

No I wouldn't rush into decorating their rooms at his place. You have enough on your plate.

Given they’ll spend more time with you anyway, just do their new room in your new home how you would. You’re still keeping to the agreement, mostly anyway.

If they want the ones done at the dad’s house also done, you can negotiate that later.

Don’t burn yourself out, or over reach, by guilt.

@mamato3rascals

Also, how would they feel if you decorated and then moved them out?!

Agree with others ref. NEVER LET HIM IN YOUR NEW HOME!!

Don’t decorate the house you’re leaving.

Think about it oh I got a lovely new bedroom now I can’t sleep in it or mum stole you away from your lovely new room.

Decorate their new rooms in your home.

You are muddying the waters with your guilt OP, although I do understand your wish to leave everything nice for the children.

I don’t see how you can decorate their bedrooms in the next two/three weeks before you move in to your new home with them. Isn’t that a practical impossibility if you are working full time ?

You already have so much to organise single-handedly without him knowing or suspecting and consequently becoming upset/angry.

Prioritise and streamline what you need to do ready for as smooth a transition to your rental as possible without him knowing.

Keep it all as simple and calm as possible until you are all used to the new situation.

He is already slightly suspicious. Wouldn’t a flurry of sudden and hurried decorating alert him or make him angry to think you are not being upfront about your plans ?

Do everything possible not to make him angry before you leave.

Then, after you are settled in the new home, you can talk about how to fix up the old house which is still at least half yours remember. It sounds as if it needs proper repairs and renovation rather than just surface decoration.

One thing at a time. Don’t take too much on. Just wait to see how things go. You need all your energy and patience and finances for dealing with the move to the new house.
Good luck !

Do not decorate the old house, even cheaply. Your husband will still make you feel guilty, no matter what.

Also this whole process is going to be mentally and physically exhausting for you. Just be careful. Don’t waste your energy on any non-essential tasks. The emotional upheaval will take its toll so you need to be very careful and really look after yourself. Eat and sleep regularly do a bit of exercise but really put your health first.

@mamato3rascals

I agree with others, NO decorating in the 'family home'. But I'd decorate to the hilt in the new rental. And I'd let them pick what they want, even if it's not to your (or anybody else's) taste. I think it will make the 'new house' easier for them to accept if they get free rein in their 'own space'. It can always be 'toned down' later.

As far as 'the talk' that he's wanting, frankly I'd dodge it as much as possible. It will serve no purpose. If he's not expecting a divorce to come out of his refusal to sign the post-nup then the more fool him.

And I wouldn't want to 'forewarn' him if I could possibly avoid it. My advice is 'file first, talk later' which is the advice I received from my own (US) attorney. My esDH didn't know I'd filed for a legal separation until our eldest son served him the first set of papers. My situation is different as we're retired, with about equal income, and our DC are adults. But I think the advice is still good. You want to 'control the timeline' by being the one to file. Don't assume he won't get legal advice on his own once you tell him that a divorce will be happening.

So glad that you have got to the point of a plan to leave. We spoke a bit offline at the start of your thread. Very relieved that your parents are getting their own legal advice to check their assets are safe.

I would also shelve and make sure you destroy any copies of the prenup now. It sounds as though you would be automatically giving away a lot more with the prenup than you could potentially have to without it. You can be fair to him whilst also ensuring your assets are protected for your DCs future now.

As others have suggested, don’t mention divorce until you have safely moved out. You can then have your solicitor send him a letter if you don’t want to be the one to have the conversation. In the meantime, if he tries to have that conversation, give some ‘holding’ response to delay him until you are away from him.

Totally agree with pp that you should not be decorating your old house. Focus the DCs on their new bedrooms and let them choose new items for there.

I also would not be replacing any items/white goods that you remove. The value of what you remove is likely to be significantly less than what you are leaving there.

As for not using your parents movers in case they gossip … let them. What does it matter? I wish you all the luck, op.

The only thing I would consider doing is swapping rooms with DS, so that when you move out he has a dry bedroom.

No need to decorate because you are giving them new bedrooms, I would actually make the move about them to ease the emotional side. They get to pick colours, beds etc......

Perhaps get them new bedding/soft furnishings for the old house, so it feels nicer but you are not having to paint/buy new furniture there.
I hope your new home will be a place of peace and happy memories for you and your dc

I would move your DS bedroom in the family home and decorate their rooms there cheaply with their choices. You promised it so do it, one less thing their Dad can be nasty about.

Decorating the bedrooms won't make him any nicer. She's only got two weeks.

I thought @LAMPS1 had some good points about not letting guilt lead her into overwhelming herself and streamlining what she has to do and then discuss it later, when she's moved.

and @AcrossthePond55 advice was also good OP.

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