DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

How long have you been married? Sorry if you said I can’t see.
That’s gonna be critical, though

I think this was a pre-nup situation, I’ve never heard of a post-nup, do the courts uphold them?
It’s hard to understand why he would sign that now, and while I’m not a lawyer I would question whether a late-breaking postnup signed as a marriage is failing would actually be upheld by a court? Family law usually divides marital assets 50/50. Can you get advice here?
Ultimately he may not sign. Is there a way the family wealth can be placed elsewhere so it’s protected. Can you get advice on this?
Any marriage is under pressure when you have three small children. Badgering your other half to sign an agreement will make it worse. Could you just put a pause on everything and try and rebuild your relationship? (Date nights and reconnection?) There’s a risk this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think this was a pre-nup situation, I’ve never heard of a post-nup, do the courts uphold them?

They are treated much the same as pre-nups. It is not legally binding. However, provided it has been entered into voluntarily, there has been full disclosure, the agreement has been correctly executed and both sides have received independent legal advice the courts will generally follow it in divorce unless it would clearly be unfair in the circumstances.

Hello all… so a little update. I’ve decided to go ahead with a divorce. It’s heartbreaking for the kids but things have just gone from bad to worse. The icing on the cake was walking into our garage two weeks ago (he had taken the kids over the in laws for the night) to find a 20 year old 2 seater convertible car in the garage. I had no idea it had been bought. It was apparently “just” £5k and turns out he took out a loan - but cannot pay his way in the house for anything else, that £5k would’ve helped somewhat towards school fees. I’m being told I am a “joy sucker” and he claims I have mental issues to be so bothered about the car (this isn’t the first strange thing he has done without any communication - another was a digger landing on my drive one day because he’s decided to dig up the front garden to make a patio, no discussion beforehand). Anyway - completely dysfunctional living- I am done.

He received the divorce papers via email on Friday. Those came through the post yesterday. He opened the letter in front of the three kids who were in the kitchen at the time, he threw the letter at me (it landed on the floor) and in front of the children he said “why don’t you explain to them what this letter says and how you’re destroying everything”. My eldest (8) clearly cottoned on and ran into the sitting room, later asking me if we were separating. She is a sensitive soul (other two are too young to really be aware) and I’m concerned at how this constant intensity is impacting her. I’ve been reading so many articles and books about how best to tell the kids, specifically “where” because I don’t want them always then associating that room / place with bad news.. and then he goes and does that.

I then tried to speak to him quietly alone in the kitchen and he tries to tell me he is concerned about my mental health, that I should get some help first before going for a divorce. He’s absolutely mad and trying to manipulate. If there were ever any concerns about my mental health then why has he not interjected before now to take a role in supporting the kids - their education, all school comms, all of their emotional and financial needs, all timetabling and organisation of clubs, parties, play dates, school holiday childcare, attend parents evening, reading school reports, sorting extra curricular / extra tuition etc. Basically any comms or responsibility whatsoever for anything child related. He doesn’t respond or communicate with anyone in their circle.

The plan was to stay in the matrimonial home (he has made it clear it’s “his house” and he’ll never leave) until the divorce is through because I didn’t want the kids to have the upheaval of me moving twice (once into rental, later into a house I buy when the divorce is through) but I just see how the next 9-12 months, possibly more, will go if yesterday was anything to go by.

He is in denial - last night (after the mornings carry on) asking me what I was having for dinner like nothing had happened.

The 6 weeks of school summer holidays would be a good break in routine for me to find somewhere to live, but I’m just conscious of the disruption for the kids - and quite frankly the cost of rent in my area is more than my mortgage would be. I can afford it but I just feel like I’m rinsing through money.

Any advice appreciated as to what I should be doing, and also how I can manage the situation with him painting a picture to the kids that the separation is something mummy wants and his narrative about how mummy is “destroying” the family (that will kill my youngest). I am at my wits end.

Christ he is appalling. At least all if this underlines that you are doing the right thing.

I strongly recommend you keep the house. You are the primary carer. Why uproot the children? They are the priority here.

You can't fix him or control how or what he does.
You just have to focus on the bits you can control. So get up this morning and tell the kids that "mummy and daddy are separating but we both love you very much." Emphasise it's no ones fault and these things happen to lots of families.
If they ask why daddy has said whatever he said, you just say "daddy is upset about the situation. We all are. It's a shame. And sometimes upset people say things they don't mean"

And leave it at that. Just find a couple of phrases that work for you and keep saying those things. Keep it neutral but lodge that this may not be the whole picture.

Then I'd suggest booking some mediation or finding a third party counsellor to help you navigate. With this sort of person you need someone else, you cant do this on your own

Also, advice i always see on here is DO NOT leave the house no matter what if you want to keep it. I understand what you’re saying about the tension but you need to think about what is best for your children long term.

I expect you contributed more to the deposit and possibly the mortgage payments? And you are also the primary carer. So obviously get proper legal advice but I understand you will be awarded the house if you fight him for it. You will probably have to buy him out but that’s all the more reason not to throw money away on a rental.

@DavesGirl90 TBH the house is falling apart because he’s started so many (big) jobs and doesn’t finish them,
wont spend any money on maintaining it (he says theres no point spending a penny on the interior of the home whilst the kids are young). It’s not just internal worn carpets etc but there are major issues such as water dripping down my son’s bedroom wall when it badly rains which he has no appetite to fix.
So basically I am looking forward to getting somewhere of my own!

Id divorce him now.

In the UK prenups and post nups dont always stand anyway.

So id divorce him, split the current assets, bully my own place and if there was still something there you could date him but I wouldnt

You may find your anxious child is considerably less anxious when her parents are living apart. Your stbex husband is being a bastard and you can expect him to drag this out and be as difficult as possible. So you make sure you have full information on his earnings, make sure that he cant siphon off any joint savings, sign up to Land Registry alerts https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/ and do credit checks to see if he has other debts besides the car loan.

Try telling him its in the children's best interests that he leaves. If he leaves get someone in to fix the roof. It's not easy to find a rental place with 3 young children.

I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset)

this arrangement puts you in a very precarious position.

the family home is your shared asset, you have interest in it and control over what happens to it - and you're giving your entire property over to him. That's madness.

"The family wealth" is outside of your control and ownership. It can change in a heart beat, a decision could be made that there will be a change to what you think you'll get and suddenly you find that you don't have a home and you don't have as much of your "family wealth" you think you will.

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

and think about whether you're acting out of greed.....

eta, having read your latest update, all the more reason to protect the asset that you actually co-own rather than risking money that you don't own and could be less that you think.

@mamato3rascals Ask your parents for a loan. Leave marital house for New house with kids. Do not "give" him the house- it has to be sold. Get a good lawyer. He's a selfish arsehole and the sooner you are rid of him the better.

Why would giving him the entirety of family home put me in a precarious position? I’m giving away more than I need to? Mum and dad will likely start to transfer their assets into my own post divorce - so I won’t be waiting for that to be prescribed in a will which I agree would have left me in a precarious position as I’d be reliant on a will. I’m quite keen for him to come out of this feeling unscathed and him having the family home is a big mental win for him.

I have been looking and I would buy a house for c£700k, would need a £400-450k mortgage which I could manage. He can have his pension, have his house, not pay a cent towards the children’s needs or towards school fees etc - I just don’t want to be paying him maintenance. I can’t see how that is me acting out of greed?

A loan towards what, the next house? I’m doing that but solicitor has advised I cannot buy another house until the financial consent order or he’d have a claim on it. So I need to rent short term or stick it out in absolute misery.

ps - he has got himself out of bed at 8:40 this morning (I’ve been up since 6:30 with the kids as usual) and asks if we all want to go out for breakfast together. I really think he has bipolar.

@mamato3rascals Yes, rent then for now. Anything you can do as fast as possible. Not only is he a selfish twat- he sounds seriously unhinged. Feel so sorry for you having to put up with that.💐

Be very wary of him now OP.

Important documents, yours and DC passports etc get them out of the house to a safe place.

Likewise anything sentimental or precious to you.

Put a watch on your credit rating - you say he’s just taken out a loan?

Could your parents buy a house for you to rent, then you buy it from them once the financial consent order has been completed?

I would tell your parents everything. They need to know to protect your inheritance from your stbxh.
I think you & your parents should be making an appointment ASAP with a solicitor to make things as water tight as possible whilst you are still legally married as I have a feeling your stbxh is going to drag this out as long as he can hoping time will be on his side (ie your parents die before the divorce is finalised).
Book therapy for the older/sensitive child, he will probably use her as a tool to keep you compliant (you are already thinking of giving him the 900K home to make life easier....don't do it! Give him only what he is entitled to by law, he clearly wouldn't give you the same grace) but you can't walk on eggshells for her right now, just focus on legally untangling yourself from your husband before it's too late and he gets a big payout at your expense.

You mentioned in your OP that the post nup would give him the house and leave you with a small rental property. Can you go there?

As for dealing with the kids, what upsets them most is uncertainty. You need to get out, soon, and establish a new normal for them asap. The way you’ve described his behaviour is the worst sort of environment for a child where they don’t know whether they’re coming or going. It is torture, plain and simple.
You need to be clear with them; we’re leaving, Daddy will stay here and you’ll be able to visit regularly.

Good for you OP! It might be a rocky road for now but it will be so, so worth it

It’s more likely that he’s panicking, because he’s seeing his plans and manipulations coming to nothing. I would expect him to love bomb and attempt to emotionally blackmail you now, and then veer into anger when that doesn’t work.

Be careful, because he can potentially become dangerous. If you believe that this is likely to happen, then get out quickly.

My sister was you. My parents passed away, she found out he was having an affair and divorced him. He took half of everything - inheritance, house, car, savings, her pension. He didn't have anything to give her in return so she was well and truly fleeced and is now working every hour she can to boost her pension and get herself back on her feet. He is living in a lovely flat with no mortgage paid for by my parents' hard work. I don't think my sister and I will ever get over the selfishness of this man. DIVORCE HIM AND DIVORCE HIM NOW.

Cut your losses

Its absolutely appalling that a family with your resources is allowing rain to seep into your child’s bedroom!

Find a nice little rental - children are resilient- it’s not divorce that hurts the children it’s how the parents handle it that can cause trauma- you can’t influence his reactions only your own

talk to him when the children are not around - tell him it’s for the best and that you will give him the house - but tell him this is definitely happening

Oh, and forget thinking that you might legally get more than half or keep your inheritance in tact. My sister's solicitor told her to forget about that - he is entitled to half of everything and it isn't worth the time, effort and money fighting it in court. But, of course, he gets to keep his inheritance because his father is still alive and well post-divorce. Your DH is a self-centred, selfish little oaf and he won't change when you (inevitably) get divorced - he will up the ante and go for every penny you have - EVERY PENNY - whilst you put your life on hold to ensure your children are well looked after. Even without this pre-nup debacle, he has shown you exactly who he is. Believe him.

Don't forget that your divorce will need to go through the courts as will your financial settlement as you have children. If you give your husband the house, and on paper you appear to be making yourself and your children homeless, the judge won't agree it. If the judge suspects hidden assets, it won't go through and the judge will want a declaration of assets. If the judge suspects you are withholding an imminent inheritance it won't go through. In order to protect you future inheritance it cannot be considered in your divorce at all and your divorce will need to proceed on a 50:50 basis or the judge will get suspicious of you hiding assets. You husband may even tell the judge about your impending inheritance and want half as he would be entitled to as you're married. You also need to be absolutely sure your parents will come up with the goods/finance in the way you think they will. This is not going to be as simple as giving him the house.You need legal representation on this before you proceed.