DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Expert legal advice asap. Whatever it costs will be worth it.

He is after your money and always has been. I would file for a divorce. Dont wait. It takes ages. Definately get an advice from a lawyer. ASAP!!!

I am in a divorce now and it is vile, he is gonna get at least 50% though he never gave more than a minimum... I am so pissed off with the system.

I would divorce the arsehole now.

He can't go after a living persons money so that's a plus

I knew a woman with two children who married well never had to work again. her new husband raised the children as his own putting them through private school. One went off the rails got pregnant he bought a flat for her to live in.

Then his father died when the estate was settled and the money was in the account she filed for divorce going after the house, inheritance, his pension. She got what she wanted.

Don't delay, tell your daughter daddy is mistaken when he tries to poison her mind. Just get a divorce

It is too late for a pre nup (which is legal agreement pre (before) nuptials (married).

Because she doesn’t want to, and doesn’t have to. Contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn’t have to mean a total joining of finances.

Also, inheritance is not automatically considered a marital asset. Right now it’s not even OP’s inheritance, it’s her living father’s money.

The trouble is he has to agree to a clean break and I dont think he will. He wont sign. Dont give him the house. Give him the minimum you can get away with legally. Dont waste time feeling sorry for him. He is a professional sponger.

If he does not agree, a judge will order it. But court proceedings are costly.

Op, it sounds like a miserable existence being married to him. He alaways had your money in sight. Speak to a lawyer. By making him a reasonable open offer (and it must be open), you can later argue that he has litigated unnecessarily and claim costs from him. This could be the best way to come to a quicker agreement. You will likely have to offer him 50% of current assets but at least you will be free and your inheritance is safe.

This is exactly what you need to do. Doesnt this offer a way to solve the issue? If many years after the divorce he changes his mind and leaves some to you, then presumably your exH would not be able to claim?

In either case this sounds like a miserable existence, and you seek to really dislike eachother. Life is too short to live like this. Divorce seems like the only option.

I am sure this is contributing to your eldest having anxiety, too.

Given what he’s saying to your daughter, he is already demonstrating his ability to switch for useless prick to determined game player.

Go and see a solicitor and start to get things lined up. Your dad updating his will is a great idea if he is willing to do that but to be fair I don’t think it’s legally required for this divorce.

Sadly I think your only option is to divorce before you inherit. Hes leaving you no other choice. As your children are young they will adapt. Children are more resilient than you think . And talk therapy can help them too.
Can you afford to buy him out? Like you said he will actually lose out from divorce as he will get half the house and other assets (probably less if you have the kids full time (this is usually split 60/40 in favour of the residential parent. .

Whereas if he sign post up he'd get the whole house.....but thats his loss his greed and blatant disregard and awful behaviour towards you deserves him getting that kick up the arse.

Also just to note it already sound like hes financial abusing you si your best advice is to seek guidance from a good lawyer as he will dig his heels in. But if he wants the house he would have to buy you out and also as you are the kids main carer you'd definitely get custody. And he'd have to pay maintenance no matter how much you earn. (And he definitely knows all this) it sounds as if hes being coercive by using the kids so the longer you wsit the harder the impact. I'd also suggest counselling for the children once this is in motion so they understand why without him controlling them.
Move in the shadows as to speak until youve got all your solicitor paperwork ready and then serve him.

@mamato3rascals

THIS, this, this!!!

And all the other helpful info from others. This will not get better….

Good luck!!

I've just read as well that if he foes 0% of the care you and pay most the mortgage bills you could possibly go for 70/30 splitting your favour. Your best bet is go high then agree to the lower amount (60/40) so he feels he's had a win.
It will be interesting to see how muchbhe actually fights for sny contact time with the children after as he sounds like a lazy arrogant pig.

And you need to do this before you inherit as once divorced he has zero claim on inheritance post divorce. And cannot claim for more in advance either on the grounds that you will inherit.

And like I said before do not tell him anything. Go quiet. Then get your lawyer to do all the work get your ducks in a row.
Another sneaky advice go talk to ALL the best solicitors in the area for a free consultation. The reason...if you have spoken to them they cannot take your husband as a client because its a conflict of interest even if you dont chose them to take your case. Fair? no, not ar all but it will protect you and he doesn't sound like he's playing nice right now either. He obviously doesn't want to be with you orcis hsppy but hes waiting until you inherit and using the kids as protection like pawns in his game.

ALSO THIS!!

I think how your children cope with all of this is a different element. Including the older one. You will need to take the line of ‘Daddy is very angry with mummy but we don’t love one another anymore. I won’t say anything nasty about him because he’s a good man’. Your older child will soon realise a) how useless he is and b) how nasty he is as he’s the one always saying nasty things about mummy

If its to protect an inheritance which you haven't actually inherited yet, then push for divorce with the collective marital assets you do have. If your happy to walk away from the family home and let him have it, then do so.

@Dancingintherain09 exactly - get the divorce in now after first checking you don’t have any shares/ownership in the family business as it stands - if you do, see a family law practitioner , get advice and get yourself taken off those interests pronto whilst still married

I’m so sorry OP this situation sounds horrendous for you and the children.
I really don’t think you should say things like daddy is a good man, or we both love you so much because he isn’t and you will confuse them into thinking his behaviour is acceptable and because you don’t know how he will treat them. Just be kindly honest but no more, especially if he is telling them everything is your fault.
His behaviour has been dreadful to you, but also to the children by blaming you, so I would worry about leaving everything in trust for the children as I think he would then want custody to ‘spend it on them’ and would never stop trying to manipulate them into paying for him ongoing.
Please remove yourself and the children from this toxic situation as soon as you realistically can. Get the best possible advice and do not just give assets away to a man this manipulative and spiteful. You must see he is directly feeding into your DD’s anxiety and he just doesn’t care. Model a strong woman who keeps calm and won’t be walked over to your children.
I think he’s going to make this process a total nightmare for you and won’t care about the damage this inflicts to the children but the sooner you start the sooner you can build a better environment.
The lawyers will tell you whether it’s beneficial to reduce your hours etc.
💐💐💐🌻

Op, your situation rings so many bells with me and my divorce. From the constant blame for everything, being the main carer expected to carry the load, anxious child (so delaying starting the separation and divorce), family business shares and potential substantial inheritance (including family trusts) and just generally scared into doing nothing about it for a decade!

Don’t really want to go in to the in and outs of the legal/court wranglings on here for me and my family (happy to do so via pm, if helpful) but safe to say, my only regret is that I took years to say the words to him. My kids were so much happier once we lived separately and I regret not doing it years earlier when they would not have been teens and old enough to ‘understand’.
Nearly a decade on, it is thankfully a distant memory but my dcs are settled, my family’s interests are safe and I am rid of him!

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

This must have been a loving relationship once - 3 kids in 7 years. I assume he cared for you once. Although, he may have always had an eye on your family money.

I am now wondering if he is having an affair. Working away from home, sulking, sleeping separately, blaming mummy for everything. Classic signs. Even better if he can portray himself as a 'rich' man on the back of your money.

I hope by now you have appointments with solicitors and your family accountant. I would also get a private detective to investigate possible adultery. You already have grounds for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, adultery would be the icing on the cake. A good solicitor may be able to get him chucked out of the house. I am informed that it is best for the wife not to leave the marital home. If you do leave before the divorce is finalised you will still be responsible for 50% of the bills.

You don't need grounds for divorce any more. If someone calls time, that's that.
Adultery or otherwise doesn't affect the settlement.

Who pays the legal fees?
What if he tries to contest the divorce?
I know someone who dragged out proceedings for over 3 years. Her husband moved out and in with his gf. She simply refused to divorce him.
She got a good financial settlement though

You can't refuse consent to divorce these days. You can delay the divorce, but ultimately the OP can make a sole application to divorce.

He can delay the financial proceedings though

I am now wondering if he is having an affair. Working away from home, sulking, sleeping separately, blaming mummy for everything. Classic signs. Even better if he can portray himself as a 'rich' man on the back of your money.

Come to think of it, this is the way my father behaved when he had the final affair that broke my parents' marriage. I was16, though, not 7.

The other thing I remember (in retrospect) is that he was impatient with us children, and particularly irritated by our mess and noise. Of course the woman who he was having the affair with was younger and childless.