AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Agreed .
I don’t like the sound of your husband’s friend .
He’s a prick , I know you can’t dictate to your husband who he hangs out with , but none of us would like our husband hanging out with him.
One thing meeting him when it’s out with the boys , but another altogether when it’s 3 couples , your husband & a single woman.
I can completely see why you feel so uneasy .
That friend of his is a shady fucker who can’t be trusted .
If he was decent he would invite you to be polite , ( I know you wouldn’t go ) , but he doesn’t .
But then look what he did to his wife , it’s already been established he’s not decent .

So yep, he's behaving like a creep, and you are being a doormat. You definitely have a husband problem. What's your plan to deal with that?

Yes mixed sex groups in 90% of my socializing

It’s ok him meeting up with his friend or a group of friends but meeting up in this dynamic is wrong and would bother me. I also don’t understand why your dp would go to this. He should meet up with friend separately

This post isn’t about people getting up in Arms about mixed sex socialising together.
It’s not “ How would you feel if your partner was to socialise with someone of the opposite sex “ 🙄.
READ THE POST before you comment irrelevantly please .

We have read the OP, thank you.

Read the posti actually replied to

Apologies, I meant to reply to LughLongArm .

How I’d stop a grown adult doing what they want?

Dh and I are a team. And I’d like to think that if we discussed that I felt B was using him as a wingman and trying to drive a wedge between us because I took his wife’s side, we could agree on what’s reasonable with regards to the division of our social lives.

I am still friends with my sil who had an affair. My Bil is a plonker who thought it was a good idea to go on a 3 mth holiday and leave her with a toddler and new born. My DH sees him. I see him at family events but we have no relationship which I don’t miss.

It's not a nefarious plan to exclude only one partner. It's excluding someone who actively dislikes the host (as is her right) and wouldn't go anyway.

That's the actual "abnormal" element - most people are on at least friendly terms with their partner's friends, if not actual friends with them. But if I knew one of my friend's partners disliked me for whatever reason, I wouldn't invite them to my house, and I'd see my friend by him/herself only (even in situations where everyone else brought their partners). Not as a plan to exclude one partner - simply a reflection of that one partner disliking me.

"Out with the boys" really gives away that you only think single-sex socialising is acceptable.

Why, when he's out with friends, would that not include women as well? When DP or I are out with our friends it's rarely a single-sex group. There's no such thing as "DP goes out with the boys, gannett goes out with the girls".

You know you don't want to go and would decline. So does your husband. So does slime bag. What is the merit in a tokenistic invitation just so you can be haighty and refuse to go?

The single woman is a red herring. You either trust DH or you don't. She could be a lesbian. Your husband could be not her type. She could be married but her partner doesn't approve of B so stays home. Either you trust him or you don't. She's immaterial.

And tbh I think the whole thing is a red herring.

He goes out loads, you work full time and do most of the domestics. I'd fix your own marriage before judging someone elses

So if your friend cheated, you'd refuse to ever see them again? Obviously cheating is bad and I'd be very disappointed if a friend did it, but we're friends for more reasons than each others perfection. I can make my disapproval of their choices perfectly clear and still love them.

How is this so hard to get ??
It’s not that I think the boys should go out with the boys, & the girls should go out with the girls in General.
It’s this particular story .
OPS husband’s friend is grim , have you read the post ??
He’s invited OPS husband , 3 couples, & one single woman out .
Did you see what he did to his wife?.
If he were my husband’s friend I wouldn’t want my husband with him EVER being honest .

But would you be the same if you're female friend had an affair and you're husband banned you ever going out with her if it included other company? There is zero proof that he is being set up. I feel most sorry for the single woman imagine if she saw this thread.

Being honest PP I wouldn’t appreciate the fact that she invited couples but never asked my husband 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I would find it very rude , it is rude , do you think ?.
Also , there is nothing to suggest OPS husband could be set up with the single woman in this story , you’re right .
Imagine if she did read this thread .
I’d feel ashamed of what I’d written .

I just really don’t like OPS husband’s friend in this story .
To be fair , he doesn’t sound up to much .

I accept in OPs instance theres history.

But my points are 1. It isnt about "single sex", although there are lots of people who go out in single sex groups. As mentioned early my main friend group is mixed, I have no judgement if OPs DH and Bs friend group includes women although in her OP she did say "continued to see him alone/in other male company." Hence my earlier reference to boys night type scenarios. I appreciate friend groups can be mixed, but there are some that arent or times just a group of one sex does go out and thats as normal as mixed groups.

1. OP said B knows she disapproved of how he ended his marriage because she supported his ex and children. Disapproving of 1 thing isnt the same as visibly and actively disliking (which OP may feel). And while she hasnt seen B if usually her DH and B meet alone or at something that is just men she wouldnt. But now thats changed to dinner parties with couples and only OP isnt welcome

1. if you invited my 6 friends & their +1, a single man and just me. And I found out you had invited everyone elses partners and mine hadnt had an invite. When i asked you said tbh I dont like him/I think he doesnt like me so I dont want him there. I would feel uncomfortable and wouldnt come. I would tell my friend treating my DP like that wasnt going to improve things and if they felt they couldnt include DP in their invite id not go. And id see them when it was just the friendship group, or 1 on 1.

I would not attend an event where everyone had their partner invited except mine. And I would feel going solo would give the impression I didnt care that they were the only one not welcome.

You can’t dictate your dh friends however I do judge people by the company that they keep.
My concern would be more that dh was untrustworthy or lacked in integrity

No he doesnt, but let's be honest do we judge women that have affairs in the same way?
Society definitely accepts female affairs better because somehow it is always the man's fault. Damned either way!
One of my best friends had an affair, I don't agree but I would never ditch her as my best friend. She hasn't cheated on me.

Did she pretty much ditch her kids? Because I’d ditch a friend that ditched her kids.

No she definitely didn't, she is now a single mother with all 3. I think it was more of a one off than an affair actually but the point is she was unfaithful.

You should not be the only husband/wife/partner excluded from any event Ever.

Even though she hates the host but he’s friends with her husband?

You feel what you feel; it's not unreasonable. But I'd focus on understanding what you WANT to have happen in this situation and communicating that to your husband as a start.

Strictly speaking, B's routinely inviting your husband and excluding you, especially when the two of you used to socialise with B as a couple, is rude and your husband must know that. But let's say your husband pushes back next time and says "I don't want to go to a dinner party without Heartford", so B says "Oh, I thought she was avoiding me because of the divorce, but sure, she's welcome to come". Either you go and are miserable, or you decline, husband accepts for himself only, and B probably still invites one more person to "make up the numbers". It's hard to tell if B is really trying to push him and the other lone invitee together or "just" being old-fashioned about wanting an even number of men vs women guests.

If you want your husband to turn down B's dinner party invitations and socialise with him in some other way (or not at all) I think you may have to make the practical fallout clearer. His friend B's life may have changed utterly, but his has not; HE is still a husband/partner and full-time dad. The fact that he's not pulling his weight at home (and that's a continuing issue) is huge and should be discussed, but even without that his focusing so much of his leisure/socialising time on events you can't/won't go to can cause relationship problems.

People cheat for all different reasons .
It’s not the affair in itself that I’m concluding he isn’t up the much .
It was that it was her “best friend” who obviously is as bad as him.
It’s his behaviour now , inviting OPS husband & not her , like I said previously to be polite he should ask her every time he asks her husband as he has asked his other friends partners .
He lets her know she is not welcome .

I wouldn’t turn my back on my best friend either if she had an affair .