AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

It’s because you disapproved of his affair and took his ex wife’s side whereas your DH is more open to maintaining the friendship. Simple as that.

Exactly this. It’s not that complicated. You took sides and your DH didn’t.

Yes this 100%

Honestly, I get a bit tired of people on Mn behaving as if affairs were some horrifying niche crime, like necrophilia, when they're extremely common. Stats suggest something like 40% of people have had at least one.

Yes, absolutely they cause immense hurt, and I'm not diminishing the pain felt by the woman the OP's DH's friend left for one moment, but I don't think it's helpful for anyone to demonise infidelity, or treat like anything other than something that happens in ordinary relationships with relative frequency, and is engaged in by perfectly ordinary people, not a certain 'type' of demonically evil person.

It's a huge leap from 'the OP's DH's friend had an affair and left his marriage' to 'the OP's DH's friend is intent on trying to encourage him to have an affair, too, by dangling single women in front of him at dinner parties'

In this version of events, they seem to imagine the woman as some kind of predatory seductress brought in from central casting, rather than a perfectly ordinary woman having dinner at her friend's house and hoping he doesn't make his famous chilli again because it was rank last time.

I’m imagining this with my DH and his best friend.

Firstly, there would be no affair because neither man is a dick. But, if there were I would expect DH to still meet up with his friend but (1) my DH would probably loosen the tie a bit if he saw his friend treat his wife and kids so badly (2) DH would probably still meet up with friend but less frequently and mostly on a one to one basis, for drinks or dinner (3) friend would t have the balls to ask DH out to couples things without me (4) DH wouldn’t dream of accepting - that’s just one of the consequences of cheating on your wife with her best friend and leaving her and your kids, you lose respect and friends along the way (5) if my DH accepted an invitation to dinner with 3 couples and another single woman I would straight up ask him if he’s having an affair, if he wants a life like his friend’s, to let me know asap so I can sort myself out, point out the door and suggest he doesn’t let it hit him on his way out.

Your DH is bang out of order. It’s pathetic, from a grown man.

I am sorry but this isn't right. It is as if your husband's friend is encouraging him to cheat too. Nothing wrong with them having a 'boys' night out but this sounds like he is trying to set your husband up.

Your husband is disgusting and should be ashamed of himself. He's not what I'd call a 'man'. You should show him this thread. How he reacts will show his true colours.

You don’t want to go, justifiably.

But you don’t need to stay home doing domestics.

Does DH do domestics when you’re out without him.

The fact you do the lions share of the house and children work, is a separate and more important issue.

Things do need addressing, but priority is the level or work done by each of you, which has nothing to do with how B treated his ex. It’s entirely on you and your DH.

Wow, he's setting your DH up with a single woman and your DH thinks that's ok. I'd suggest, he's trying to meddle in your marriage. Maybe wants your DH to be single like him.
Your DH is being very naive.

Only if he is incapable of saying no.

The problem is (rereading the OP!) this is your DH’s best friend! So if you take the moral high ground then of course there will be a fall out/consequences. He’s not going to ditch his best friend and I guess this is someone who he will want to see often. You’ve cut off a huge part of your social life with DH and this is something I would have considered before passing judgment .

It’s always worth just keeping out of other people’s business.

I assume they'll be seated next to each other.

Why do you assume that?

I've noticed that people haven't real the op correctly. She said it was 3 x couples, plus the cheating friend, plus another woman plus her DH. So actually DH is essentially the gooseberry here, the friend would be much more suited to the 'pairing up' with the single woman, as he himself is living a single life. So many pps have totallly jumped the gun!

He's not being paired. They're just two guests who are attending without partners.

Jeeze. Someone above likened this thread to village gossips, and they couldn't be more right. It's like the middle school kids I taught when I was on my early twenties. A male colleague my age gave been a lift one day. A couple of pupils saw us as we drove past them, and next thing we knew, we were a couple, as far as nearly all the kids in the year group were concerned.

With absolutely nothing to go on other than that the host had an affair, the majority have assumed not just pairing, but a deliberate attempt to set the DH up.

I know several people who've had affairs. It didn't make any of them into affair matchmakers.

🙄

No she didn’t, she confirmed B was part of one of the couples.

B knows exactly what he’s doing here, OP…

According to many posters on this thread they should be! What happened to make you all so suspicious of single people?? This is not a couples event, there are three couples and three people going without partners (not sure why so many posters are ignoring the third solo person, the host). We don't even know if this woman is actually single or also has a partner at home who isn't going. This gatekeeping of 'couples' events is odd, why should non "paired" people be excluded from seeing their friends because for some reason their existence makes you feel uncomfortable?

Because OP has clarified that the host is part of the 3 couples so only DH and the other lady are non couples

Read it again. You are wrong

Can you not read? There are not three singles, she has said the host is part of one of the couples and her DH and the single women make up the last couple ..

If he had any sense after seeing this thread he would be packing the OP’s bags…

I don't think saying something like "Hey DH, I don't mind that you are friends with Chuck the cheater, but I do get a bit upset when Chuck seems to be setting you up with another woman." makes OP an untrusting control freak who should divorce her poor shackled husband.

You can't just get divorced because one or other of you isn't perfect! No one would be married if that was the case.

Actually, you would have lost him at ‘not minding him being friends with’.

Given how many people on MN go through their spouse’s phones, decide they are having an affair because they once spoke to a woman they worked with etc, why would anyone in that situation stay married?

If you think you can stop your partner cheating… you can’t.

But if you are so insecure that you feel the need to control someone - what is the point?

Of course his response could be ‘it’s my decision who I am friends with and I don’t need your blessing or permission. As for getting upset, I have noted that. Anyway I’m off to see Chuck’

You realise that there are lots of things people don't mind and do mind about their partners and that is ok. It doesn't mean you are being controlling. If they push you too far it is fine to say actually I really do mind about that. There is a lot of room between being a total wet blanket and being an insecure control freak.