AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Nobody has to be either, but saying ‘you don’t mind’ sounds like you are graciously allowing it.

And it still makes no difference because inviting a single person to a dinner party does not mean you're trying to set them up with any other single person you invite, let alone a married person whose spouse isn't present.

No way would I be happy in this situation. Mixed company dinner parties and you are not included! You are his wife, you go to gatherings where other wives/partners are included. Your DH is 'on a date' with the +one otherwise and that is not acceptable.

Tell DH he is known by the company he keeps.

DH 'excluded' me from mixed gatherings. It turned out he had regularly taken another single woman, including using in our car without my knowledge. On several occasions I said I was going but was forcefully told I would not like it or I would not be welcome.

He was having an affair.

Wow, nice to know that everyone assumes a (gasp) single woman attending a dinner party must be gagging to sleep with some random married mate of the host?

Who is assuming her H is going to have sex with his date?
The fact he is a married man being set up with a dinner date is a betrayal of his marriage without them necessarily having sex.

He is not being set up with a dinner date. FGS do you people not understand that sex and relationships are not the be all and end all of everyone's lives and motivations.

Is it "being set up on a dinner date", or is it a man getting a group of friends together for dinner, one of whom happens to be single? What if they're all just sitting around a table together eating and drinking, as per most dinner parties?

When I was single, I'd have been mortified to think that if I was invited to socialise with some couples, it was as a 'date' for a married man whose wife wasn't attending. I wasn't looking to sleep with married men. It's perfectly possible to invite single women to social gatherings because you enjoy their company.

I guess if this woman has form for sleeping with married men or you suspect your husband has a crush on her, that's different, but from what I've read perhaps she's just part of a group of friends, who don't exclude her from gatherings because she happens to be single. It's hard enough being single without being excluded from social gatherings because some women are so jealous and/or men so untrustworthy that if you have a conversation with a married man at a dinner party, it's assumed you're going to jump into bed with him.

OP is not invited to this dinner.
Her H has been invited to " couple" with another woman. How is that not setting him up with a date?

He has not been "invited to couple", whatever that means. He has been invited to a dinner party as himself (a friend of the host). The single woman has been invited separately, as herself (also a friend of the host). They are not required to "couple" in any sense of the word. Have you never hosted, or been a guest at, a dinner party which includes both married people and single people? The latter are not there to make up "couple" numbers, they are there because their company is valued for themselves.

The OP has not been invited because she doesn't like the host and he knows that. Why on earth would he invite someone who doesn't like him?

Do you really want to remain married to this lazy selfish waster that doesn't pull his weight and likes to socialise like a single man?

The point is that OP's H is not a single man. His wife has been excluded from the invitation. His wife is not happy about him being coupled with another woman.

If he was being coupled with another woman with OP's blessing then that would be a different story. But the OP sees it as breaking a boundary in their marriage .She does not see her H being cast in the role of another woman's dinner partner, as acceptable in their marriage. She sees it as a form of date, and I agree with her.

Well, it's a discussion for their marriage, I suppose, people can draw the boundaries wherever they like, but it seemed a bit strange to me. I don't know that people are being "coupled" at a dinner party so much as invited to socialise in a group, and I would imagine the woman in question sees it the same way. I would in her position.

His wife is not happy about him being coupled with another woman.

HE IS NOT BEING COUPLED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

It is perfectly possible that they could spend most of the evening speaking to other guests and not exchanging more than basic civilities with each other.

@Heartford B wants your DH to follow what he did- he's trying to set him up with someone. My DH often see single friends but he wouldn't accept if I wasn't invited and it was a couple thing.

Well yes it is a discussion for their marriage.

But if you think OP's suspicion about this dinner date is " strange" I think you are dismissing the background to her H's friendship with this person who set up the date up. She has every reason to be on the alert given the friends lack of respect for marriage.

Yeah he's one of the couples but also "enjoying the single life " ?

Isn't it?! Just another way in which society vilifies single women (most of whom, at this age, are gloriously happy to be single and not desirous of your middle aged husbands in the slightest...)

a single woman attending a dinner party must be gagging to sleep with some random married mate of the host?

Can you quote even one person who has said this?

Well, that's the implication, surely? What else would the OP be worried about? That her husband speaks with another woman at a dinner party and that's it?

As has been explained multiple times, we are questioning the motives of THIS man who has excluded OP because of her friendship with his ex and invited a single woman to make up the 8th guest at a party. Generally it’s poor etiquette to exclude a spouse.

It has no bearing on single women being invited to dinner parties, that was me for a good few years.

But his motives are irrelevant.The OP has made it clear she doesn’t want to speak to him so why would he invite her?

And he could throw a load of woman at the husband but if he loves the OP it won’t matter

She goes if she is invited. Of course he won’t invite her because shes made it clear she doesn’t like what he’s done.

So is he on a date because they will both be present?

Do you or your partner fuck everyone you come into contact with when you go out either each other? That must be exhausting 🤣

Do you not understand about loyalty in a marriage? If her H cared about OP he would understand that him being another woman's dinner date was disrespectful to her.

He has made it very clear by condoning his friends adultery that he doesn't have respect for marriage. And by prioritising his social life with his friend, which involves pairing up with another woman, he is showing OP how little he cares about her or his own marriage.

him being another woman's dinner date was disrespectful to her.

Attending a dinner party along with several other people doesn't make you someone's 'dinner date'.

Attending a dinner party along with several other people doesn't mean you are 'pairing up' with one of the guests.

If he'd personally invited the woman to dinner 1:1 that might count as a dinner date - but equally it might not, if the purpose was a business discussion.