AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Presumably he’s a good friend and the OP has made it very clear that she is judging him.

As for loyalty, that doesn’t mean blind obedience. The husband is free to go where he wants. Perhaps the OP would have been invited if she didn’t make her disgust at his actions so obvious. She is of course entitled to do that but then she can’t complain when her husband wants to continue to visit said friend and she can’t choose who else will be there.

He can be friends with whoever he wants and the only thing the OP has done is ensured she won’t be invited at any point.

Loyalty in a marriage is not this, sounds more like ownership to me. Marriage hasn't been about ownership for decades.

You are being intentionally obtuse.

She isn’t though.

Oh you again.

Have you asked him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed? You were going for dinner with three couples and a single man, in exactly the same circumstances?

Problem?

You seem overly invested in being 'a cool wife' and criticism anyone who says they can see why OP would not be comfortable about this.

And you seem to have spent all day doing so!

It’s nice that you are so invested in my opinion that you have taken the time to bring your interest to my attention. Always nice to be appreciated. 🤣

Of course he can be friends with whoever he likes.

And equally OP is entitled to dislike his choice of friends. Perhaps you missed the fact she is on close terms with this friend's wife and children so has seen at first hand the damage his behaviour did.

Of course OP can't stop him socialising with this man But i'm a great believer that you can tell who a person is by the friends they choose to mix with. And OP,'s H chise to condone his friends cheating and is now socialising with him in single life style. OP would be a fool not to be uncomfortable with her H's choices. But whether amshe choses to sit at home while he makes a fool of her, is up to her.

So she can see the wife and he can see the husband. It’s called freedom.

I don’t get why it is assumed that people in a good relationship won’t be able to resist shagging someone else.

You need to seek counsel from a divorce law specialist. You need to know your rights. You also need to start paying attention to the finances very, very closely. Make sure you know where every pound is. Open a separate account in your name at a different bank. Check to see if he has opened a new credit card. You need to get your ducks in a row. If this behavior continues he will be off effing some random broad in London and lying about it. Do not be unprepared.

Both of these. I cant believe what I'm reading. Its fairly obvious to me that the OP has a DH problem. This has nothing to do with single women and whether or not they can be invited to dinner parties and it not be a set up.

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned but my DH is not heading out to a couples dinner without me while I stay at home with the kids again. In my opinion this friend is trying to drive a wedge and possibly the husband is having his head turned by his friends new life. In that case OP you are well rid. It sounds like your life might be easier without DH in it.

Well you obviously have no moral scruples about who you call your friends. Fair enough. Other people do
Why you and other like minded pp keep reducing this whole issue to shagging is really strange.

I treat my friends how they treat me.

We are reducing it to shagging because that’s part of the issue. OP hates the friend because he shagged someone else and now doesn’t trust her husband not to shag some randomer

Actually I agree with this. Perhaps they will both be happier apart.

Although how you would stop a grown adult doing what they want boggles the mind

I could understand B inviting DH to a lads evening.

But a couples dinner with DH and a single woman is inappropriate.

And hurtful that DH cant see that, how would he feel if Bs wife had a couples party for you and one single man?

I think you should tell DH you expect him to turn down "couples" events where you arent welcome. And tell him he shouldnt need that sketched in crayon for him YANBU

Exactly. Can you imagine if it was a female friend of OP’s who cheated on her husband and left him and their kids, then had regular dinner parties where she invited couples and OP and a single man? And OP’s husband objected to her going to all these dinner parties where he wasn’t invited?

The OP would be crucified and told she was being disrespectful to her husband.

I really do wonder about the social lives of some people, for whom it’s either strictly single-sex socialising, or a ‘couples night’. Don’t any of you just socialise ordinarily in mixed-sex groups where people’s relationship status is irrelevant? No wonder so many Mners seem to be incredulous about opposite-sex friendships if this is what you think is normal.

Mixed sex groups are a little different than a known cheater inviting couples and one singular woman and one singular man.

I would trust my husband under those circumstances, but I wouldn't trust his friend as far as I could throw him and it sounds like he's deliberately trying to sow a seed of mistrust. Of course I could be completely wrong. But I think I'm entitled to be suspicious of a man who can't even be trusted to be loyal to his wife, the woman he made vows with and to love forever forsaking all others?

It's as though Mumsnet has been teleported into the 1960s.

Dinner parties
Having to have an equal number of men and women
Couples having to be joined at the hip
Etc etc

Yes! Or the 1860s!

I work in a predominantly male team and often socialise where I am the only woman or one of just a few women so I’m very comfortable socialising with mainly men.

That’s a completely scenario to what’s been described in the OP.

The issue is less whether his friends are all male its whether all the friends partners except his are welcome.

Actually my best friend is a man. And I lived with him for a while, whilst dating my DP. We've never been anything but friends.

And we've a group of 7 friends 3 men 3 women and me. 1 man and 1 woman are gay, the other 5 are straight. 2 of us are married. So sex, sexualty dont matter. I dont have an issue with mixed friends.

But if we meet up it may be just us, or partners may be invited. But non of us would invite all of the partners except 1. I absolutely think its not normal that only 1 partner isnt included.

I think if someone hosts say 4 friends who all have partners and only invite 3 of the partners are invited - its an obvious plan to exclude the last one and thats inappropriate. And OPs husband should know that.

Ffs - do t put up with this - H single friend is expecting your H to be his wingman and worse. Your H should be saying a big fat NO to any of this!!