Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

766 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:
Hereforthecommentz · 14/04/2026 18:53

Yabvu, why have you got so many kids if you don't have sufficient room for them?! His son should have his own room when he comes round and feel as comfortable as your own kids not staying on a sofa. Poor kid.

Everybodys · 14/04/2026 18:53

TakeMeDancing · 14/04/2026 18:42

Because the tenancy is based on OP’s income as a single parent. When another adult moves in, OPmay no longer qualify due to his income, and would no longer be entitled to the council house.

Show quote history

Where does it say the tenancy is based on OP continuing to fall below an income threshold?

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 18:53

Absolutely astonishing how selfish some parents are. These poor kids… cramped in to a small house sharing with other unrelated kids that they don’t get on with

oh…and the adults have been one and off for 10 years - so hardly the love affair of the century

what a shit show

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:53

ItsSunnyTodayAgain · 14/04/2026 18:52

I’m with your DP, it’s his son and he should absolutely be able to live with him. We have my DH’s two kids 50% and from day 1 I have accepted that at any point they may decide to live with us and we would welcome them.

The 'DP' leaves everything to the OP to sort out for his son.

MadCatHag · 14/04/2026 18:53

Poor boy. Poor other children. 2 irresponsible adults having 3 more kids without thinking it through. My view is that you have no choice actually. Why do your own kids have more rights than his? Obviously unfair - maybe you 2 idiots should get a sofa bed for yourselves to sleep on and allow the kids the bedrooms.

firstofallimadelight · 14/04/2026 18:54

Based on your update op I’m inclined to agree there’s no room for his son to move in (unless you perhaps have a spare room down stairs? ) it’s not on you it’s on your dp for failing to provide a bedroom for his child.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:54

Hereforthecommentz · 14/04/2026 18:53

Yabvu, why have you got so many kids if you don't have sufficient room for them?! His son should have his own room when he comes round and feel as comfortable as your own kids not staying on a sofa. Poor kid.

How can his son have a room when there are 7 people in the house already?

It is a three bedroom house.

Perhaps he can come and live with you.

Eastereggschocolateisthebest · 14/04/2026 18:54

OP you should have declared your set up in original post - the fact that you share 3 children that live with you both does change things

I think you need to start a new post with all of then info

Lightuptheroom · 14/04/2026 18:55

The ages and sexes make it easier to see the problems. I'm the youngest of 6. So we had 8 people in a 3 bedroom house. The bedrooms were split 3 boys in one, 3 girls in the other, parents in the smallest room. My parents used bunk beds to optimise the space. You're going to have a problem soon anyway because DD age 2 isn't going to be sharing with teenage brothers.
So, look at the space you have and make your dp work on how that space is going to work practically. It will mean rejigging who shares with who, and obviously that means your children's wishes are going to have to come into this too.
Other than that it's a very difficult solution because you also have 'shared' children which is why people kept asking about ages and whose children they were.

DeeplyMovingExperience · 14/04/2026 18:55

Jesus, didn't you already have enough kids to raise between you that you had to go and make more? It's no bloody wonder the 14 year old is acting up. Relegated to a sofa in his Dad's chaotic home.

MeridianB · 14/04/2026 18:56

You have a lot of people in your house and very little room, which makes it even more intriguing that DSS wants to move in full time. Has he explained why? Your DH should have a proper chat with him in case there is something worrying going on.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:56

DeeplyMovingExperience · 14/04/2026 18:55

Jesus, didn't you already have enough kids to raise between you that you had to go and make more? It's no bloody wonder the 14 year old is acting up. Relegated to a sofa in his Dad's chaotic home.

Where is the son supposed to go then?

There are 7 people already in the 3 bedroom house.

BewareoftheLambs · 14/04/2026 18:56

As a couple have you explored whether you can pool your joint incomes and rent somewhere big enough for you all for a while? I understand it can be expensive, but if you both contribute it might be possible.

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 18:57

The child doesn't stay with you OP, he lives there part of the time. Has he got his own space when he's there or is he expected to bunk in with step-siblings?

You should probably live separately with your own children, that way your children can't be favoured over his.

MissRaspberryRipples · 14/04/2026 18:57

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 18:45

ok trying to answer properly as people keep asking same things

weve been together on and off about 10 years not all living together that whole time though

he moved in properly about just over a year ago before that it was more staying alot but not full time if that makes sense

children ages are

DS15 (mine)
DS12 (mine)
SS14 (his)
DS9 (ours)
DS6 (ours)
DD2 (ours)

so yes there is already alot of boys which is part of the issue with fighting/noise etc and adding another teen boy full time I dont see how that helps anything

people saying im hiding numbers im not trying to I just didnt think it mattered that much at first but clearly it does

bedrooms are

me DP and toddler in one

2 older boys share (they already argue loads about space)

2 younger boys share

when SS stays he either goes on sofa or squeezes in which already causes issues so I dont get how full time would suddenly be ok

DP does contribute but not 50/50 and no he doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it which is why im saying “it will work out” worries me because that usually means me sorting it

someone asked why SS wants to move its not anything extreme like abuse or anything like that its more hes not getting on with his mum at the moment (teenage stuff I think) but that could change again which is another thing

im not trying to say my kids matter more but they are already here settled in school etc and it does affect them if everything changes

and yes I GET he should be able to live with his dad im not saying he shouldnt im saying I dont see how it works in THIS house as it is now

people saying he should move out I mean maybe but then thats a whole other thing because we have kids together aswell so its not as simple as just “leave”

also whoever said fraud thats a bit much? hes allowed to live here im not doing anything dodgy

I just feel like everyone is acting like its really simple when it isnt in real life

I havent said no just that I need an actual plan not just “it will be fine” because it wont just magically be fine

hope that explains abit better still prob missing stuff but trying to reply while kids are going mad here 🙄

Can you not look for a bigger house together you already need a 4 bed with the 5 kids that currently live with you. Surely you can't expect your 2year old daughter to share with her parents forever? Get a 4bed or find a three bed with a second living room to make an extra bedroom(or maybe you already have an extra living room if so use it for a bedroom). You may have to rent privately as I can imagine council properties with more than three bedrooms are few and far between

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 18:57

TakeMeDancing · 14/04/2026 18:42

Because the tenancy is based on OP’s income as a single parent. When another adult moves in, OPmay no longer qualify due to his income, and would no longer be entitled to the council house.

Show quote history

That’s not how council tenancies work 🤣

Gazelda · 14/04/2026 18:57

I see that it’s pretty impossible for your DPs eldest to move in. Poor kid.

its difficult to see that you and DP have always put the kids first. Now it’s come to crunch time and it’s looking likely there will be further upheaval and disappointment all round. Shame.m

Hereforthecommentz · 14/04/2026 18:59

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:54

How can his son have a room when there are 7 people in the house already?

It is a three bedroom house.

Perhaps he can come and live with you.

Show quote history

Thats my point isn't it!! They shouldn't have had THREE more kids when they knew stepson would be coming to stay and needing space for that. So selfish.

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 18:59

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 18:54

How can his son have a room when there are 7 people in the house already?

It is a three bedroom house.

Perhaps he can come and live with you.

Show quote history

They shouldn't have moved in together and had 3 more kids knowing they couldn't house all children if needed, that's the problem.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 14/04/2026 18:59

Why do people have so many kids when they cannot comfortably house and see to the needs of all of them?

If you're together 10-ish years and your eldest is 9, did you get pregnant right away? Why do that when you already had 2 very young children at the time whose needs should have been prioritised?

Why do people feel the need to have kids in every relationship? I feel so sorry for the children of these unions who have had no choice in their upbringing.

Ilovemsrachel · 14/04/2026 19:00

I’m sorry about all the judgment that you are getting here. Can you talk to the council about overcrowding? If his boy wants to be with his dad and youngest siblings then I think you need to explore the possibility of a bigger house. I think excluding his firstborn is liable to make him feel very unwanted and cause further problems down the line.

DancingWithHim · 14/04/2026 19:00

Good grief. Your latest update. You are both incredibly selfish. All those poor kids. So irresponsible.

Songbird54321 · 14/04/2026 19:00

MissRaspberryRipples · 14/04/2026 18:57

Can you not look for a bigger house together you already need a 4 bed with the 5 kids that currently live with you. Surely you can't expect your 2year old daughter to share with her parents forever? Get a 4bed or find a three bed with a second living room to make an extra bedroom(or maybe you already have an extra living room if so use it for a bedroom). You may have to rent privately as I can imagine council properties with more than three bedrooms are few and far between

Show quote history

I agree. It appears you already need a bigger house regardless of whether your stepson moves in.
That many kids requires at least a 4 bed.
Maybe aim to get moved asap and then he can move in full time?
Is his mum ok with this?

Sartre · 14/04/2026 19:00

Basically you and your DP had three children together that you don’t have space nor money for, when you already had two existing children and he had one. The mind boggles.

RosyDaysAhead · 14/04/2026 19:01

Looks like you already have grounds for a bigger property than you are in, but I know 4 beds are rare. Could you suggest a trial? See how it works out for a month and if it works use that to bolster your claim for a bigger home? If it doesn’t the man he may go back to his mums anyway!