To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

He has done a number hasnt he?

A home he doesnt contribute properly to, a family he doesnt contribute properly to in terms of time and a household he doesnt contribute properly to in terms of housework, food prep etc.

He will fight tooth and nail to not leave because right now he has it very cushy indeed!

This is about far more than his son, its about the fact that he has 4 kids and is acting like he doesnt have any because the Nanny with the Fanny will do it all.

I do think that you should split up but not because it would mean he could live with his son, but because it would be two less people that you would be expected to facilitate. You are doing it all on your own now as it is!

OP I am totally on your side and I totally hear you having experienced something similar.
I know and you know that if HIS son comes to live with you all then it's YOU that will be the skivvy and doing all the work associated with that decision whilst DH just enjoys having his son around. If you complain about anything then it's YOU who is shouted at, and made the villain in the whole scenario. DSS is 'just a lad' and therefore excused. DH is busy and has much lower standards so doesn't see what you are making a fuss about.
I don't have answers but Mumsnet is horrific on seeing the stepmums side and always takes the side of the kid. Fair enough it's not easy being a kid with divorced parents BUT you know it will destroy you having more mess and chaos and fighting in the house. You know it will be you who is hung out to dry in the end and nobody will give a stuff.
I hear you. I do💕
In my scenario I offered to move out. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. In the end DSS stayed with his mum and visits as before. It's manageable.
But I know u got a roasting here but I totally see where you are coming from.

It’s his son. I’m afraid you don’t get to say no.

What are you actually quoting?

That does sound like an already full house. Also with you doing pretty much everything it would be totally unfair to add to that. I'd suggest sitting down with your partner to work out his finances, if he wants his son to live with you he'll have to contribute fairly to a house move to give his son a bedroom. Also a rota etc between you for cooking/washing etc.
He may be a little less enthusiastic once he realises he will have to contribute & help more towards this new living arrangement for his son.
I hope his son manages to settle more if he does end up staying with him mum. It's important your DH explains to him properly why this might not be a good arrangement in the current home too.

What’s one more when you already added 3 when you knew you had no space? YABU.

I knew before you updated that it would turn out to be your house that you and your kids had before DP moved in.

DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it

You're right to have concerns about this. Your DP thinks it will work out because he thinks you'll knuckle under and accept responsibility for the extra child while he gets to play Heroic Dad but not really be inconvenienced.

Turn back the clock for the OP then.

It is her house - she can say whatever she wants.

🙄 the poor stepson doesn't even have a bed in their house!

What a bloody shit show. You're a pair of selfish, irresponsible adults. Your poor kids. All of them.

I scratched my head trying to find a sensible solution but I genuinely can't.

Why would you have 3 more kids when you can’t house the ones you’ve got?

Surely you both knew that this was a possibility?
You’ve been fortunate that he only spends a couple of nights at yours as it is.

I would never move in with a partner if there wasn’t room for my teenage DC, let alone go on to have more kids.

Your other kids are just going to have to find a way to cope.
Its not their fault and as always they have to suffer from their parents crap decisions.

He’ll have to stay in the front room for now and then revisit it again in a few weeks.
Without knowing the size of the bedrooms it’s difficult to know how to make it work physically.

How is he is supposed to have a bed in a house with 3 bedrooms and 7 people?🙄

😆

when you have three kids with someone… I’d say your house / my house becomes somewhat daft!

Honestly - imagine being the neighbours! The noise, the fighting, the carnage.

Sorry but yabu.
Why do your kids trump his for residency status?

Because it’s the OP’s house?

No one is saying that obviously they can't now they've added even more children into the already crowded situation but there's no reason for them to live together. He wasn't living there full time until a year ago anyway so the only sensible plan is to have two houses. At least then all the children would have a bed.

Why is it daft? Her name is on the tenancy.

Poor kids. All of them. And a relationship that has been on and off for 10 years but yet produced 3 more children.

People keep saying why did you have more DC. She can't change that now.

You're spectacularly showing yourself up! They should have made plans for this and long time ago! I speak with experience. I had to share a room with siblings 15 and 13 years my junior up to the age of 21 (me) and it was an absolute nightmare! Because guess what, my mother and stepfather decided to have 2 kids together in a 2 bedroom house with no future planning and I just had to put up with it.

Well 3 of them were born after SS so surely that should have been a priority thought.

It’s a council house. Do you not think she needs to declare her DP as living there so the correct housing benefit is calculated?

You both need to get a joint tenancy on a house with 5/6 min bedrooms. There's plenty out there.

Maybe you could talk to his mum. I expect she would be hurt to be cut out completely and perhaps she has different rules for him. Maybe you could support her and it works best for all of you.
I do feel with all of the other kids at yours, SS may feel left out.