To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

YABVU

Don’t live with someone with children if you don’t want them to live with you too.

That’s like DP moving in and asking if your DC can go and live with their dad the majority of the time.

How long have you lived with DP?

Its likely that DS is missing his dad and just needs him a bit more right now being a teen.

I’d trial it and he’ll soon get tired of not having his own space.

Her child moving out of her home realy!

You are getting lots of unhelpful responses because you didn't mention in your OP that the tenancy is in your name only.

Of course, if you and your DP shared a tenancy or owned a house together, then his son should be accommodated.

But this is not your DP's house. It's yours and your children's and they come first. Your DP is responsible for arranging secure housing for his son - that does not mean finding a woman he can cocklodge with until he manages to guilt her into taking in his child.

Your DP will have to move out and sort his own son out with somewhere to live.

The council house has been allocated to OP and her children. If DP wants a council house for him and his DC, he needs to apply for one, rather than shoehorning his family into OP’s council house.

This.

If you cannot cope living with his child then you should split up and he moves in with his child, and you live with yours. The children come first always. You should have considered this eventuality when you got together with a man who has a child. So should your partner!

She a council tenant so obviously she’s a criminal 🙄

I suspect that there are adults in the house other than op and her partner - a sibling or parent or even friend perhaps. Otherwise she would surely have said "my three/ four kids" or whatever. Or possibly her own fully adult child has one room and her young children share another???

ok trying to answer properly as people keep asking same things

weve been together on and off about 10 years not all living together that whole time though

he moved in properly about just over a year ago before that it was more staying alot but not full time if that makes sense

children ages are

DS15 (mine)
DS12 (mine)
SS14 (his)
DS9 (ours)
DS6 (ours)
DD2 (ours)

so yes there is already alot of boys which is part of the issue with fighting/noise etc and adding another teen boy full time I dont see how that helps anything

people saying im hiding numbers im not trying to I just didnt think it mattered that much at first but clearly it does

bedrooms are

me DP and toddler in one

2 older boys share (they already argue loads about space)

2 younger boys share

when SS stays he either goes on sofa or squeezes in which already causes issues so I dont get how full time would suddenly be ok

DP does contribute but not 50/50 and no he doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it which is why im saying “it will work out” worries me because that usually means me sorting it

someone asked why SS wants to move its not anything extreme like abuse or anything like that its more hes not getting on with his mum at the moment (teenage stuff I think) but that could change again which is another thing

im not trying to say my kids matter more but they are already here settled in school etc and it does affect them if everything changes

and yes I GET he should be able to live with his dad im not saying he shouldnt im saying I dont see how it works in THIS house as it is now

people saying he should move out I mean maybe but then thats a whole other thing because we have kids together aswell so its not as simple as just “leave”

also whoever said fraud thats a bit much? hes allowed to live here im not doing anything dodgy

I just feel like everyone is acting like its really simple when it isnt in real life

I havent said no just that I need an actual plan not just “it will be fine” because it wont just magically be fine

hope that explains abit better still prob missing stuff but trying to reply while kids are going mad here 🙄

Agree with this!

What possessed the pair of you to blend / mangle families.

This sounds like a bloody circus and the poor kids, honestly

Obviously not but refusing sdc is equally wrong in my mind. Not sure if they have shared dc but the father needs to move out with his kid and stop taking over op’s house.

Sorry but yabu.

Why do your kids trump his for residency status?

There are 2 options here, find a way between you to make it work. It isnt just his responsibility. Or he moves out and houses himself and his ds independently of you and your dc.

I say this as a stepmum twice over and a mum.

If the child's best interests are best met by him living full time with his dad then his dad would be a shitty horrible useless waste of oxygen if he doesn't make that happen. If the reason for not making that happen is him prioritising his sex life (you) or fathering so many new offspring (if you have kids by him too) that he can't afford to house them all, then he is a piece of shit who isn't suitable for being a partner or a father.

Poor boy. Things must be bad with his mum to want to come to live with his dad in what sounds like a very overcrowded home.

His dad either needs to help sort whatever the issue is at his mums, or move out and get a house with his son. I’d do that anyway as there isn’t enough room even when he’s just staying over. His dad really needs to prioritise him over living with you. He is being very selfish,

He was being extremely selfish and a shit dad moving in with you when he knew his son wouldn't have a room there.

You can't make your children suffer in a crowded home for this relationship, and he can't make his child suffer either for a relationship. He needs to put his son above his lovelife and provide a home for his child. Even if he wasn't having him full time she should have been doing this.

You can look at moving in when you can both afford a bigger house, or the children start moving out. Not before. He can't reject his child in favour of living with you and your children

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable. On the surface of course your partner's son can move in full-time. However, you are thinking practically, rather than emotionally, and need to know how it's going to work!

How many children do you have OP? What are the sex of your children? How old are your children? Do your children currently have a bedroom each? When your step-son visits, he either shares with one of your children or has to sleep on the sofa? Could one of the bedrooms be divided? You have mentioned that your child who has to share with your step-son, isn't happy doing so, is that correct?

The tenancy on the property is in your name only. Effectively your partner has moved in with you. Is there a particular reason why your step-son wants to live with his Dad?

Yes, I agree with others that if you enter a relationship with someone who has children, you should always expect the possibility of that child having to live with their parent. Realistically you can't say no to your step-son living with his Dad.

However, if between you and your partner, you can't come up with suitable living arrangements, then I can't see how your partner can continue living with you. You have to prioritise your own children and your partner needs to prioritise his son. If that means your partner has to move out, and find himself somewhere more practical to house both him and his son, then that's what needs to happen.

Oh so you know how many dc you both had and chose to have 3 more you didn’t have space for. I wish people would put their existing dc first before having more in a new relationship. Totally selfish.

They did have space but then had 3 babies together, pushing existing dc out to make their new family.

I'm sorry, I generally try not to comment pn things like this, but I totally agree. Poor judgement all round and the children are the ones who suffer. Ridiculous.

Why did he move in a year ago if he wasn't living with you when you had the three kids together (madness in my opinion I will never understand why people continue to have more children when blending families).

He needs to move back out and prioristise all his children having a bed not just the ones you share together.

There are 7 ppl in a 3 bedroom council house and your DP wants to add an 8th?

I can't imagine how this is good for any of the children here - DP isn't wrong to want to have his son living with him but there is no way that many ppl in a 3 bedroom house is sensible

It happens so often. It’s like there’s a desperation to seal the relationship and make a perfect family and the step kids are always the victims.

Honestly, OP, it sounds an absolute mess all round. But this is your family home and you can't just have your own kids there without allowing his child through the door too. If the child is happy to move in knowing they'll only have the sofa, so be it.

Partner has moved into her house. He doesn't get to move additional people in.

I’m with your DP, it’s his son and he should absolutely be able to live with him. We have my DH’s two kids 50% and from day 1 I have accepted that at any point they may decide to live with us and we would welcome them.