To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

By “taking on” I mean you accept they come first to the parent, that kids can be a pain and stuff comes up at bad times.

So your house is crowded already and there is no room for DPs son . Realistically if his son must live with him then DP needs to rent separately. Only alternative I can see is that you and DP take a sofa bed and your room becomes a child’s room . If that’s doesn’t work for you that’s ok - but you have to expect DP to put his son first and leave . If he doesn’t that says a lot

Why aren’t you saying how many kids you’ve got in the house? I don’t understand 🧐 have you abducted some ?

She's not married him. Which is important, because it means he has no rights wrt the tenancy.

Yanbu to want it to work for everyone and to have a plan in place beforehand but equally this is something that realistically you both should have been preparing for as a real possibility before he moved in with you. I think in your situation your options are either to house swap/ transfer to a bigger property or look at renting. Or he moves out and his son moves in with him and they both nearby.

I think the reason why he wants to move in with his dad are important here op has he given you a reason you're willing to share? I think the urgency of that impacts a lot on the advice you'll get. For example, if mum is trying to hold boundaries in her home and he thinks your dp will be an easy ride by comparison then it needs to be discussed by his Co parents properly. Whereas if there's real issues at his mums and he's not doing well there then i think you need to move him out in some way. Has your dp spoken to mum and what has she said?

If there isn’t room in your current council house for another child, and your partner agrees his son should move in permanently, he needs to discuss this with the child’s mother and if everyone is in agreement, he needs to move out and rent somewhere just the two of them.

It’s your house not dps so you absolutely should get final say in who lives there. However your dp also needs to put his son first so really neither of you are wrong.
You need to consider why you don’t want him to stay and are you being reasonable? It is absolutely valid to put yourself and your kids needs first. If you genuinely think it won’t work then your dp needs to think about what he will do. He could move out and live separately with his son until his son is older.

I think if it’s not going to work for you and your DC, DP should move out and house his DS.

He is his responsibility, not yours.

lol why is it fraud
it’s her tennancy

she doesn’t have to add anyone to her tennacy and in this case she is wise not to

Op I would not want to do this either for the reasons you have said

Suggest to your dp that if it’s something he really wants then a house move is required-

DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it

Why is he not sorting things out for his own DS? This shows he is a crap father.

This. Unless you can apply for a bigger property that will accommodate 6 people, then DP is being unrealistic. He should move out and get a place for his DS.

Obviously if you were joining assets, selling DP’s home and yours, buying together, the scenario would be different and you should accommodate DP, but this feels a bit cocklodgery… it’s your home, your tenancy. And there’s no room at the inn. Are they even allowed to move in under your tenancy agreement?

So you do all the food, cooking, cleaning, washing, sorting kids? It's your house. And what exactly does he bring to the table?

Protect your kids first. You say there's bad behaviour and it's already impacting your DC. Yes, he should prioritise his own too. So he should move out and find one for him and his DS.

But oh no - he wants to stay and 'we'll make it work'. ie. YOU make it work. Fuck that.

Ah, I see.

Just read your update. Your kids DO matter more. To you. And his kids do (should) matter more to him. He can't just leverage your parenting by saying his kid is important as yours unless he's already showing your kids are as important by voluntarily taking on your kids' care equally. He's living with you as a partner and that's fine. But he isn't parenting your kids (he may be assisting you in parenting your kids. That is not the same thing). Men pretend there is no difference, here. But the difference is massive. (It's also probably why he's divorced in the first place. Men often pretend they are contributing to parenting equally by refusing to acknowledge the whole).

What he's saying is 'you'll make it work for me and I can just do the fun boy-bits with my nearly-adult son. Then I won't have to pay maintenance, I'll have more fun money off the back of your domestic labour and established home set up, AND look really good being a great dad'. Don't. He needs to commit to being primary parent for his son in a blended family. If that's what he wanted he would have planned accommodation for it, and he didn't. And if that's what he wants now, he still needs to make a plan for that. Either with you, or without. But it's HIS responsibility to make a plan where he can live with his son. Not yours to accommodate his children. And 'make it work'

You are absolutely being unreasonable to say no to your DSS living with his dad full time. Blending families means you need to always expect this to happen. So yes, he should be allowed to move in full time.

Now, you say you don't have room and the house is in your name, so that means his Dad will have to move out and accommodate his son and himself separately. That's also absolutely valid.

What you can't do is refuse the lad living with his dad full time (assuming this is what he and his dad and mum want).

He is already not picking up the slack

DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it

He needs to move out then to care for his son, his son has to be a priority over you but if you have a joint child it’s even trickier, but this must always be factored in to blended families. And yes I’ve been there, we got 14 hours notice that dsd and as moving in, as did she, her mum decided, you can’t say no

100% this.

Are there shared children?

Honestly, I think it was irresponsible and selfish for your dp to move in, when you are already overcrowded and he has a child that he should be providing a home for. He shouldn't just move in with you and then expect to overcrowd your own kids even more. And you shouldn't have put them in a position where this was a possibility. Instead he should have rented his own place and provided for his child. You've both been pretty short sighted and unfair to your own kids and not put any of them first.

I would tell him to move out and parent his child and you should focus on yours - you don't have the resources to live with this man and do right by all the children who've been put in this situation through no choice of their own.

Some good points here.

Given its your 3 bed council house and only your name on the tenancy, your DP needs to move out to house his son separately.

And given he doesn't appear to be much help with the household functioning or chores, he won't be particularly missed!

Maybe one of your dc could move out somewhere to make space, why are your dc priority over this child? Outrageous. His behaviour may be impacted by having a dad with no space four hours own son. Please tell me this is just rage bait.

Because the tenancy is based on OP’s income as a single parent. When another adult moves in, OPmay no longer qualify due to his income, and would no longer be entitled to the council house.