To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

That's an awful lot of hyperbole and nonsense to get to the point. The step son isn't a defenceless little boy either, he's a teenager, not a toddler.

Huh? The partner moved into her house, where she was living with her children. That's why he 'has her children 24/7' . . . because she is kindly accommodating him. And she says that she does the domestic work as well, so in what sense does he have her children or provide for her children? It obviously wasn't part of the original agreement when the partner moved in that he would also move his son in permanently. The OP cannot put her house and kids in a negative situation because her partner doesn't make decisions that prioritise his son.

I know council housing is at a premium, but you are a family of 8 (? - sorry, I don't want to go back upthread to check), far too many people for a three-bedroom house. Is there any chance of getting a bigger house? That would seem to be the best solution.

Knowing teenagers, I suspect your DSS will move between homes a bit. If he's not geting on so well with his mum, that will probably change once he's not living with her.

It's a really difficult situation. As you say, your DP has the right to have his son live with him. But as you also say, you have to think about the whole family.

I hope you find a solution, OP.

No, when she decided to have THREE kids with her partner, they created a blended family. Perhaps they should be looking for a larger house anyway as it sounds chaotic already. Yours, mine, his kids... shouldn't matter.

If she feels he isn't financially or otherwise contributing enough, that's a different conversation to have but from I see that doesn't seem to be her issue?

He contributes financially. We know it’s not 50-50 but we have no idea how much less and it could make sense it’s a bit less given not all children are his.
In terms of what he does around the house, the op says she does more but we don’t really know that for sure and maybe he is doing a lot of other things that she’s not - we can’t really comment.

Not sure I demanded anything!!

I mentioned that it wasn’t one as a relevant factor.

I think you need to move heaven and earth to make it work OP. You created that family knowing all the children in it need their parents to look after them. You can't treat any child less equally.

It shouldn’t be about whose house it is. It should be about the needs of all their children including his son. He must be feeling very unwanted and if you commit to a relationship with somebody who has children, you need to put all their needs first.
Neither of these parents are coming out of this very well.

It is naive to think it makes no difference.

The child must feel unwanted already as the DP leaves all the care to the OP. He is firstly responsible but dumping it on OP.

Yes she created it all on her own so it is all on her.

If the partner gets his name on the tenancy then he gets more of a say on the set-up of the house. He is also 50% responsible for the rent etc. There is a reason why the OP says the tenancy is in her name. I think she is telling us that she pays the rent and she “got” the house so she thinks she gets the say on it. I think the government also think she is a single parent in the house. The OP doesnt mention having a job and the responsibilty of working a normal working week to provide for her 5 kids. She just mentions domestic responsibilty.

My first thought was how on earth do you manage now? Adding another child fulltime to this mix would be very difficult. I would suggest that you ask him to come up with a plan for covering the extra expense and for the logistics of this. Saying 'it will work itself out' is just not on.

Not that it's really relevant to the OP's question, but with six children, you'd have to have exorbitantly high earnings to wipe out any entitlement to UC.

Fine - it's a plural "you". If the boy's father posted I would say the same thing.

Fairly obviously, the house is in OP’s name, what she says goes.

I was going to say this. I think you would definitely qualify for a 4-bed even without SS.

The cap for UC is c£26k PA, no matter how many children you have

Cap? What cap? Maximum you can claim? That cap?
Or are you talking about Maximum you can earn? Which doesnt exist.

The cap won't apply if you have a disability or health condition that stops you from working (so you get LCW/LCWRA), or care for someone with a disability, or you earn £881 or more a month. The vast majority of people on UC are not subject to the cap (I think it's around 98% but don't hold me to it).

Unless it's changed LCW doesn't lift the cap

Absolutely, I moved to Ireland in 1983. My neighbours had a farm, the farmhouse had 3 bedrooms and for many years no bathroom. 5 children...Again absolutely lovely kids.
My new farming neighbours reared 12 children. They began with the standard 3 bed farmhouse then added a fourth bedroom. The grown up kids are all terrific adults. There is way more to parenting than the space available in the house.

"DP does contribute but not 50/50 and no he doesnt do equal with kids if im honest I do most of it which is why im saying “it will work out” worries me because that usually means me sorting it "

As usual you have a DP problem!

You have all boys in the household and they need your DP to step up and direct the melee!
I understand your reluctance to assimilate another disruptive male into the household if your partner is already absolving himself of parenting so you need to address that first.

I know its a council house but rather than moving, could you afford to add a conservatory type structure or an insulated garden room to accommodate your 14yr old dss.

I do wonder where dad lived the past 10yrs when op got preg with joint child and the last 9yrs before he moved in

and why on earth op kept having his kids when not living together

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he wants to live with you in the first place. Is mum being hard on him because he is getting up to no good? Does he think your house is busier and a bit more chaotic so there will be less focus on where he is and what he is up to?
Regardless of the wrongs of rights of finding room for him you need to understand why and address that first.

To be honest your house is overcrowded

as a council house resident, are you abiding by your terms by having so many people living there? It’s a 3 bedroom house with 2 adults and 5 children - potentially 6 children now. I doubt a 3 bed council house was intended for 8 people to reside there. Presumably you’d need to inform the council and apply for a larger house.

But as it stands, the council has a duty to house you appropriately ie without overcrowding. Your current house doesn’t meet the needs, let alone if you moved another child in. It’s at the point where it totally impacts quality of life for all children involved.