To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Why would one of her kids move out when it is her house?

Did you read the tread? No, thought not.....

It is their home, he moved it, they are partners with children together. He doesn’t own it but neither does she.

@dippy567 Why would you think this would be the same? Surely you understand by this point in the thread that the house belongs to the op, not this man, he moved into op and her children’s house. His name is not on the tenancy. He does not contribute 50/50 financially. He cannot house any of his children. He also does not look after the home or the children. Op is doing the lion’s share of that too. He is nothing more than a hobosexual.

He needs to move out and provide a home suitable for all his children, do more parenting and do more housework. The man has children with the same level of forward planning as a 7 year old wanting a puppy.

I bet this man cannot even find his shoes without op’s help.

I don’t suppose anyone can find their own shoes in this household

Her name is on the tenancy.

@DuvetInTheDaytime too late now but I hope others think before making babies. You had 2, he had 1. You had bedrooms for the boys. But you thought it was a good idea to have 3 more children 🤦‍♀️. I had two children that each have their bedroom. We can afford to provide for them financially and on all other levels. If I were to have more children I know the quality of life that I could give my two children would be affected. I feel so sorry for the kids in this situation. And the 2 year old girl will never have a space of her own. Madness.

He won’t move out…he’s a cocklodger with his feet under the table, with a view to get his son moved in too.

she got herself 3 more shiny new kids with him, how is he the cocklodger? What will happen when the toddler is too big to share in with parents. Presumably then OP will be motivated to change their living circumstances or will toddler be out on her own like SS?

They have three kids together and been together “on and off” (obviously) for a decade. I mean - i think there does come a point when the ol’ ‘mumsnet favourite chestnut of “cocklodger” perhaps not not be relevant

He doesn’t pay his share, doesn’t parent, and doesn’t do domestic jobs. Not on the tenancy. That’s a Grade A Cocklodger, regardless of how many times he impregnated OP.

He certainly needs to do more parenting and chores. We don’t know salaries so don’t know whether split is fair. If a woman moved in with a man I am assuming there would be more acceptance of her DC being able to live there full time, even if her name wasn’t on the tenancy. In fact, posters would be worried she didn’t have any security if not on the tenancy. Also there are many threads where stepmums don’t pay towards the step children, so maybe the contribution split reflects the fact that 2 of the DC living in the house are his steps. Hopefully, he is currently paying maintenance to his ex, which will obviously swap if the son moves in with them.

If he is such cocklodger why the hell did the OP have 3 DC with him. What is going to happen when DD is too old to sleep in her parents’ room?

What a catch. And 6 kids to boot.

Got yourself a winner there op. Exactly the type of man that I’d meet and think… well, he’s perfect for fathering three of my children

It’s concerning that people add more children to a household that is already full.
Why go on and have 3 more kids when you really don’t have the space for them?

I know there’s nothing you can do about it now OP, but it fascinates me that people don’t consider these sorts of things when it’s something as huge as having children.

I agree though that there really isn’t space for another full time body in the house. I don’t suppose trying to move somewhere bigger is an option?

I suppose if SS moves in there'll be extra child benefit and maintenance payments will cease.
The DD will eventually get her own space when the older teens 'move out'.
I bet the SS mum doesn't want him to leave.
I think a sit down and proper discussion with the adults involved (does she have a new partner?) and then with the SS, to decide the best plan for all going forward. To simply say your son cannot live with you is unfair.
Good luck, but i can't imagine a 3 bed house with 5 children in it never mind 6!

Single parents to 5 kids in a council house (partner and father to 3 of them has been living there on/off for 9 years) are statistically more likely to receive other benefits including housing and council tax. If she can show us that she has worked and paid for everything I will apologise. I have raised 3 kids whilst working full time and being responsible for all dependents, but that was only because I had free childcare from my mum. Perhaps the OP gets free childcare from her mum and works full time to pay for everything, but she has diasspeared form this thread because she didnt hear what she wanted to hear.

If she puts her husband on the tenancy and they split up
he could quiet easily refuse to move out
he could challenge her right to stay there if they split up

in fact most HA/Council houses don’t like adding people to a tenancy unless they have applied together and it’s joint tennancy in

I’m with OP. DSS gets to stay with his mummy where he has a home.

DSS is getting ideas from Daddy who thinks he can swan from home to home where he’s welcomed with open arms. No bills! Free sex!

We know about daddies like DP.

@Supersimkin7 and what about women who have children (3 in this case) with crap dads.

Don’t think either adult in this situation have thought about any of the 6 children involved

OP’s the one pushing for the sensible solution. DP’s the one who doesn’t give a shit about her and, in many ways, his own DC.

Having said that, too many kids isn’t a nice thing to do. You’re supposed to like them.

But nowhere does it say she hasn't declared her partner moving in. If she hasn't then yes she'd be committing fraud as she would be charged more council tax. But nothing here says she hasn't declared him being there. Sounds more like people are assuming that because they have a large family then they simply must be benefit scroungers.

Husband? There is no husband in this setup.

She doesn't have to show you anything her financial situation is none of your flipping business.

Why should he contribute 50/50... she has two extra teen kids living there and has the audacity to say his teen can't live there?

If I was him I'd stop procreating with her and move out.

It is if she is claiming welfare whilst not declaring an on-off partner for 9 years then it’s everybody’s business to make sure that the welfare state supports those who need it. Welfare state spending is over 10% of GDP. That money should be going to those in need, not those who play the system.
the OP disappeared pretty quick when the issue was raised.