To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

The only way I can see this working is by putting DSS in with the two oldest and keeping the two youngest boys together. When the time comes give your shared daughter the smallest room and the two of you in the living area on a sofa bed because your daughter can’t go in with the boys. Don’t have anymore kids.

I have read OPs post and replies and some of the other comments. It is hard to blend a family at the best of times. I'm wondering if there is a reason why the boy wants to move fulltime with Dad. He knows it's crowded, but he must have a reason. Is something happening at Moms?
Is it possible to have the 3 older boys use the bigger room? (I assume that the bedrooms are different sizes) The 2 younger boys have 1 room and you and your partner have the last room with the toddler. This would work until you can maybe get a larger place.

Your dp needs to make it work. He needs to find a place where there is space for his ds. Your dp can’t just expect you to make it work and cram his ds in on the sofa. That’s terrible for the ds.

So he moves out to a place where his ds can live with him and have his own room.

Perhaps he found some other off/on mug to house him in between being on/off with OP? Cocklodger.

You are right. There is not enough space for the DSS to move in with your family full time.
For the times he visits you need to improve the set up.

Apply for a larger house.
Look at ways to make more space ... park a campervan in your driveway? Ask your parents to have one of your children over to stay for a treat once per week.
Buy a tent.

Arrange for DH to stay with DSS14 and another of his children for one night per fortnight at his parents or camping. Make it a fun adventure. If camping, he could also offer to take one of yours for the trips.

Find positive ways to find more space for the boys.
Do they belong to a football team or do Scouts?

You are so fucking ill-informed. Not all council houses are subsidised, far from it. Go and educate yourself.

More of a case of got a load of prejudiced, officious answers about council houses and larger families and left.

Yeah that’s an unfortunate set up. Hard for DSS to see his half siblings and your kids living with you but him not ‘allowed’.

Its your house you have the final say. Your partner will have to find somewhere for both if them. You don't need to split up.

And his dad should make sure he can live with his son by making appropriate arrangements.

Me too…

This too.

Honestly, don’t people THINK before procreating…

She isn’t Mystic Meg of course but there’s always a chance a child will want to swap and live with their other parent. Plus he was staying over at the weekend but had nowhere to sleep as it was, which isn’t fair at all.

I don’t know why they decided it was ok to not just have one child together but three when they already had three to different relationships. If they could afford the children, they’d move into a bigger privately rented property.

And I don’t need knowledge of OP’s personal circumstances to back this one up to the PP who said that earlier in the thread, I just need baseline data. Someone living in an overcrowded council house with six kids almost definitely claims UC. If they earned enough to get off UC all together, as I say, they likely wouldn’t live in this overcrowded council house.

You're wasting your time. That poster lives in amongst stereotypes and will defend it to the death. No matter how daft it makes them look.

You need Stacy Solomon. She’ll sort you out.

Oh come on. Are we really supposed to believe that the children in this chaotic setup have desks in their bedrooms, go on residential school trips, have swimming lessons, or go to Scouts? The stepson and daughter don’t even have their own dedicated sleeping areas.

DH needs to think about 1) the reason - is this a boy simply waning to liv with his dad at a crucial developmental phase or is he running away from something, a fractious relationship with his mum etc.

2)what is the room situation when he stays as your op is vague, yes you're squashed but is that because he's in a room with one of your DC or he's in the living room?

3. essentially a child wanting to live with a parent and being told there's no room is very difficult to hear for them and could be quite damaging long term.

4. behaviour is kind of irrelevant unless he's posing a danger to those in your household, normal teen pishback you're getting from your own teens isn't a reason to not welcome him.

Well said and my thoughts exactly. Poor little chap.

Could one of your kids move out (with their dad?) to make space? No, thought not...

Nailed it. This is why I left my last relationship, we are still friends but realistically when his son moved in suddenly full-time with him (but we weren't living together yet) I realised it was not going to work long term. Me and him both agreed our kids have to come first and there's no ill feeling between us. OP I don't think your relationship can work, he's either going to prove he's a shitty dad by not fighting to let his kid move in (which should always be an option for his own child to live with him) or he's gonna resent you for not letting him.

She can have as many children as a frog but would you agree that it is up to her and who ever fathered them to provide for them.

If not, who do you think should?

She wasn't overcrowded when she met this man? Do you applaud her for making herself overcrowded by having three more children in an on/off relationship and thus making herself so.

Hs is not a husband. He is a partner.

She is not refusing to allow her partner to be a dad. She does all the school stuff, washing and cooking for him. The partner leaves it all to her.

Try reading the thread.

What would you do if he said your kids couldn’t live there?

He can't say that as it is her house. Try reading the thread.

His shoes are doing nothing for his son and leaving it to OP.

The dad is not interested in being a father.