To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

I have now.

no change in opinion. She could make it work to add a few more kids with the hubby.

if this was the other way & the man saying no he would be hauled over the coals

The guy has been on/off with her for 10 years so has not been consistent for the 3 kids they have together. He does nothing around the house. He’s only been living there for a year full time and now wants to move his son in and for her to still do everything.

100% - a child should always feel they could live with their parent IMO

Op, do your two eldest go to their Dad’s 50% of the time? Could DSS come week on/week off when they are at their Dad’s… just an idea.

It's not like the guy has been on/off by himself. The OP is equally responsible for this cluster fuck of a rrelationship and the instability all of these kids have suffered. If he's that useless it begs the question why the OP chose to have 3 children with the man. Its not okay to pretend like the OP has had no agency in this mess.

Father another 3 that he didn't even live with only last year, If the son isn't already judging his dad and the OP he will be in the next few years.

I wonder where the dad lived before that when they were on/off for years, probably at home with his mother.

If his son can’t live there full time then the home is not suitable for your partner. He should never have moved in if the home did not have a real place for his child.

Yes its her and the childrens family home. He moved in fully just over a year ago...

What would you do if he said your kids couldn’t live there? I can see how it would feel really awful to him not be allowed to live with his Dad when two other boys the same age as him get to? Put yourself in his shoes.

It’s not his dad’s house though.

I think it's best for women to use their brains and avoid getting into relationships with men who have children or complicated past relationships, if they want peace of mind. Better to find someone with a clean slate instead.

Same goes for men too.

I’d take peace of mind a million times over. But hey, some people live for the chaos—love the drama, the mess, the complications. Guess that’s their thing.

I know someone who has seven kids in a three bedroom flat. Six boys and one girl. She and her husband have one room, the girl has the second bedroom and the six boys are in the third bedroom. The boys have two sets of triple bunk beds. It’s a small terraced house. It can be done. They are lovely kids.

Why do she keep having kids tho

3 or 4 in 2 bedrooms is more than enough

is thr girl to youngest and kept trying till got a girl

triple bunks means barely any head room space an must be very cramped in their room

I’m a stepmother and my DH recently said same thing / my reaction was as yours is. The issue isn’t whether DsD is loved or if she should be allowed to live with dad - it is that in my family dad was not realising that her living here would involve him making sacrifices - going part time at work as she has additional needs that require a parent present more than he (or I) would be able with our jobs, giving up his weekly activities as she transitions to living with us, sorting wraparound care, dealing with her adolescence without her mother in the home, sorting babysitters if we want to go out because he can’t expect my parents to do the same for his child as our shared kids etc. In our case once he had to contemplate the reality of what her living here would require of him, he admitted it would not work, and was not right for anyone. I think beforehand there was the assumption that I would step up and do all the heavy lifting parenting because I do it for our shared children, but I had to point out that I am not responsible for doing it for his child and if he doesn’t want to, why would he assume I will. OP you can’t stop DH from living with his child cut you can set clear boundaries around what you will and won’t do to accommodate it.

Going against the grain of the comments if my partner expected me to do all the ‘making it work’ and laundry etc I’d say no thank you his child isn’t living here too.

She’s allowed him to be a dad plenty, the issue is he doesn’t know what being a dad is and thinks it means having the nearest woman do all the work.

YABU,

i agree with your DP, his boy should live wth you if he wants.

Its so cruel you're saying no

YANBU.

If he wants his son to live with him then you’re not stopping him - he’ll just have to move out and sort out his own housing, rather than expect you to provide it. That’s his responsibility, not yours.

You chose to have a relaitionship with someone with a child and the fact the child may need to live with you ever crossed your mind? children are not disposable

Come on people this is clearly a rage baiting post.

The OP hasn’t posted a thread before, tick

The OP states she has a million kids, tick

The OP states she has a council house, tick

The OP states her partner doesn’t share 50% of the bills, tick

The OP states her partner doesn’t help 50% with their joint kids, tick

The OP states that she doesn’t want her stepchild living with her, tick

Dont buy into these threads.

I realize I’m in California.
I studied world history.
I studied about the Tudors.
I know about Elizabeth I.
Heck - we fought a war against one of your kings.
But we made up.
Elizabeth II was my only Queen too almost all my life. I admired her so.
Now we have a crazy man who thinks he’s a king running amok all over the place. Yes, a great many of us agree with you - dude’s gotta go.

I watched Charles III coronation.
I’m just startled to learn that there’s currently two Queens.

1. Camilla, and
2. The Queen of Mean, you

I don’t know how anyone could say no to a defenseless little boy, except a real-life wicked stepmother.

It is possible and if you can't make it happen then you shouldn't have the kids. I don't necessarily hold this view that all kids need a royal parlour each. There are worse childhood adversities than sharing bedrooms or having a small bedroom. However a bed at least is a basic necessity.

Incidentally I do know a couple who have 3 very different aged same sex children sharing one bedroom. They built a sort of triple bunk bed. The kids are the happiest, most polite kids you could wish to meet because they've been raised with love and respect. I don't think it's ever loving or respectful to not even provide your own child with a bed in this day in age though. That's indefensible.

You can roll your eyes all you want. There is a kid in this who is 6th priority after 5 step siblings. His dad and stepmum don't even care about him enough to provide him with a bed and yet he'd still rather be with them than his mum so I dread to think what's going on there.... Everyone involved needs to do better for this poor lad or he doesn't stand a chance.

I don’t think there is actually an answer to this problem. The house is too small and cannot magically be made bigger and councils have extremely limited numbers of 4 beds available. Her partner has demonstrated that he simply won’t take on enough of the heavy lifting so her load will become unbearable and all the children will suffer if SS moves in and in many ways there is no compelling reason for him to do so. Obviously, in an ideal world if he wants to be with his dad full time he should be able to do so but the world is not ideal and sometimes unfair outcomes are the only option when multiple peoples different interests are involved. A few of the practical suggestions might be worth pursuing but most proposals aren’t workable or affordable. Criticising past decisions is pointless she is where she is. I’m sorry OP but unless society changes and starts to value children and families people in your situation will just have to suffer through. Just do what you can practically for all the children involved and hope for the best but the status quo is at the moment the best you can do no matter how sad for SS.

This thread is everything that awful about MN now in a nutshell.

people with a council tenancy do not have to put their partners on that tenancy. In fact, many councils now advise against it incase of relationship breakdown.

Not having a partner on the tenancy, does not equal benefit fraud. Jesus Christ.

I suggest some people on this thread pull their heads from their arses and give it a wobble!

OP, I would put a sofa bed in the lounge for you and partner and toddler.
Juggle kids in bedrooms.
OR
Contact the council about moving due to overcrowding or look for a mutual exchange.

but you definitely need to have a conversation with DP about pulling his weight about the house and with the kids.