To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

My parents have been living in the same housing association house for nearly 30 years. My mum is the only one on the tenancy agreement, because she wanted to make sure that she and her children would never be homeless. All the relevant authorities know my dad lives there, there's never been any fraud.

Unfortunately jemimapony it's you that is embarrassing yourself.

OP is allowed to be the only person on the tenancy. She will almost certainly be required to inform the council/HA when occupiers come and go. Her DP may now be listed as a permitted occupier or similar but no-one would advise OP to get him named as a joint tenant.

When he moved in, if OP was claiming benefits (UC, housing benefit, council tax reduction) then she would inform the DWP and council so they can take the DP's income into account and for UC, can change the claim from a single claim to a couple claim. There is no suggestion at all from OP that she hasn't done this.

Pleaae jemimapony, stop posting misinformation.

Well there wasn’t any room for the 6yr old or the two yr old either but presumably that’s different because they are your own children?

Poor stepson.

Poor kid with a step mum like you!

They have had 6 kids and now she's finding that it's inconvenient to have 6 kids. It's a housing problem that they created themselves.

Poor kid with a dad who leaves everything to the stepmum for school stuff, washing and cooking.

Try reading the thread 🙄

Yes poor stepson. His dad can't even be bothered to sort out school stuff, do his washing or cook for him. OP does it all.

But carry on criticising the OP.

@BettyBoh The council/HA as landlords don't charge rent based on the number of occupiers, they charge it based on the location and size of the property.

The people that need to know the number of people in the property are the benefits departments, so the DWP and the council housing benefit and council tax departments. If the property is under occupied then the claimant would not get full housing element/benefits (bedroom tax). If there is more than one adult then the council tax payer would not get a single person's discount.

yes, you are being unreasonable.

nailed it

Disney stepmom in the making. Why oh why do these women get with men who have children when they are so blooming heartless & refuse to ‘allow’ their husband to be a dad

I agree. Dad chose to move in with a woman and her kids presumably due to the cheap rent in a home that has no space for his own child. If he wants to live with his child full time he needs to move out and rent, if he is poor he’ll get universal credit help to do so

What?
Have you read the thread and OPs background info?
Maybe try it.

i’m not allowed to assume she’s getting housing benefit or claiming single person CT discount, or indeed any benefits, despite the fact the partner has lived there on and off for 10 years and they have 3 kids aged 9 and younger.

most of MN want me to assume she works enough hours in the week and has adequate affordable childcare (that also takes into account the disruption of a partner who is on/off over 10 years) to hold down a job which supports 5 kids (2 from previous relationship), covers maternity and pays all rent and bills with no need for any benefits. If someone can describe what that job is, please do.

Double post

In these sort of households, they don't "support" the kids in the way that the average middle-class mumsnetter would consider to be the bare minimum. The kids don't get much. Someone who's overcrowded them like this isn't even trying to give them the stuff that most people think of as essential these days. They won't get new clothes, hobbies, school trips, any of that. There's lots of people raising 4 or 5 or 6 kids on the same money everyone else spends on 2.

It's never the same,
Women bear the brunt of household issues.
I wouldn't allow step kids to move in either.
I would allow my husband to move out, simples

@Unexpectedlysinglemum she was quite happy to have 3 kids with him

As another poster said, you and your partner could have a sofa bed in the living room for now, all 6 children share the bedrooms and you make sure you don’t have any more children unless you can afford to house them all properly. I’ll probably be banned now too.

Disgusting attitude, arrogant and judgemental much?

He doesn't pay 50% for the children he has with you, in your house and wants to add another.

He doesn't pull his weight?
Loser.

Tell him move out.

and how do you and your “on/off” partner support your many children? Benefits? Do either of you work?

Where’s the bit where your mum got the council house as a single parent to 2 kids? Then met a man who lived there on and off for 10 years whilst getting her pregnant 3 times. He then finally decides to move in properly….

completely different circumstances.

Need more information

Why can't DP rent his own house and have his son 100% and your shared children 50% @DuvetInTheDaytime ? Where is the toddler going?

I’d feel the same. He’s response of ‘it’ll be fine’ & we’ll make it work, arent tangible plans or ideas, that just drifting and expecting you to carry the load. That’s why in his head it’ll work.
you’re sharing your room with your toddler which at some point will need to move in with siblings.
you’ve also a whole bunch of teenage anxt and hormones present and will be flying about for several years yet …. Unless he has can offer a plan and then it’s discussed with everyone currently in your family home and agreed then it’ll just breed resentment…. Not what either of you will want and defo not what any of your children need or will welcome. I feel it’d be become a divide and unfair on yours and your shared kids.
totally unfair on his son to be thrown into a very busy house.
maybe he could support his sons mum and spend some actual time with him alone doing stuff and then with all kids family- maybe that’ll ease things at his mums? 14 (early mid teens is really hard going for them, I wouldn’t want to repeat my teenage years for anything!) He needs support not running from mum to fighting for top spot
I feel for you, it’s a tuff one. Dad needs to offer a solution or at the very least support his ex and his son anyway he can - and respect you!