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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

767 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 14/04/2026 21:38

covilha · 14/04/2026 21:37

This poor lady came here for help, not hammering.
She has done nothing wrong.
This isn’t a step mam problem or even a step son problem.
its a housing problem.
look at the numbers and imagine livylike that, then adding one more into the mix, when it’s not necessary.
OP. you need to consALL the children, not just one. They all have EQUAL priority.
Also, reading better lines, sounds as though there is a LOT of wife work there already.
Take care

Edited

she has said no to her husbands child moving in - that is something wrong

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 21:38

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:14

plenty of London Boroughs ensure there is a clause to this effect. Whether older tenancy agreements are still in place is another matter.

why has the OP not declared her partner? We can only assume it’s to avoid paying council tax, and to increase her eligibility for benefits.

Show quote history

how do you know she hasn’t declared her partner?

Tenancy agreements, older, newer or in various London boroughs, do not have a clause “to this effect”

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:39

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2026 21:23

You have made so many assumptions and accusations like this on the thread.

You have no proof of any of it. You are simply judging OP based on where she lives and how many kids she had. I am sure you would judge me too based on information I could give you, despite that actually I am probably in a far better financial position than you. You are offensive, rude and bigotted.

You are SERIOUSLY embarrassing yourself. I suggest that you stop digging, put down the spade and climb out of the hole.

Edited
Show quote history

She would have signed a single occupancy tenancy agreement when she got the council house prior to meeting her current partner and having kids with him. She would have been entitled to 25% council tax reduction via a claim form which she signs to declare she’s telling the truth. In the tenancy agreement there will be a clause about declaring if the single occupancy ends. To retain just her name on the tenancy agreement strongly suggests that there’s a reason why she wants to continue to appear a single parent.
i am in favour of welfare spending when it’s for the right reasons but I cannot stand it when people play the system like this because it takes funds from those who have a genuine need.

Elsvieta · 14/04/2026 21:39

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 20:12

And with housing benefit (yeah yeah the op hasn’t confirmed she isn’t receipt but we all know she is) - she will have had to

and more pertinently

I quote from Shelter.org

Yes, you should generally list all adults living in a housing association property on the tenancy agreement,

Show quote history

We don't know any such thing - she hasn't said. Why would she "have to"? We have no idea what her income is.

What we do know is that her place isn't HA, it's council.

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:40

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2026 21:23

You have made so many assumptions and accusations like this on the thread.

You have no proof of any of it. You are simply judging OP based on where she lives and how many kids she had. I am sure you would judge me too based on information I could give you, despite that actually I am probably in a far better financial position than you. You are offensive, rude and bigotted.

You are SERIOUSLY embarrassing yourself. I suggest that you stop digging, put down the spade and climb out of the hole.

Edited
Show quote history

She would have signed a single occupancy tenancy agreement when she got the council house prior to meeting her current partner and having kids with him. She would have been entitled to 25% council tax reduction via a claim form. In the tenancy agreement there will be a clause about declaring if the single occupancy ends. To retain just her name on the tenancy agreement strongly suggests that there’s a reason why she wants to continue to appear a single parent.
i am in favour of welfare spending when it’s for the right reasons but I cannot stand

BlueOrangeDreams · 14/04/2026 21:41

I don't think you are unreasonable for questioning how it would work practically. The replies you are getting are a bit baffling not to get that it's about space.
Hopefully you can work something out.

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:41

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 21:38

how do you know she hasn’t declared her partner?

Tenancy agreements, older, newer or in various London boroughs, do not have a clause “to this effect”

Show quote history

They do have single occupancy tenancy agreements.

gamerchick · 14/04/2026 21:42

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:40

She would have signed a single occupancy tenancy agreement when she got the council house prior to meeting her current partner and having kids with him. She would have been entitled to 25% council tax reduction via a claim form. In the tenancy agreement there will be a clause about declaring if the single occupancy ends. To retain just her name on the tenancy agreement strongly suggests that there’s a reason why she wants to continue to appear a single parent.
i am in favour of welfare spending when it’s for the right reasons but I cannot stand

Show quote history

Again, you can declare someone living there without putting them on the tenancy.

You're making yourself look daft here.

NeedingASafeSpace · 14/04/2026 21:43

Try posting on the parenting board I think they’re a bit more helpful. I’d not like anyone talking about my child in the way you have although I wouldn’t want my child full time at their dads. Again, try parenting board you may get more answers.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/04/2026 21:45

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:39

She would have signed a single occupancy tenancy agreement when she got the council house prior to meeting her current partner and having kids with him. She would have been entitled to 25% council tax reduction via a claim form which she signs to declare she’s telling the truth. In the tenancy agreement there will be a clause about declaring if the single occupancy ends. To retain just her name on the tenancy agreement strongly suggests that there’s a reason why she wants to continue to appear a single parent.
i am in favour of welfare spending when it’s for the right reasons but I cannot stand it when people play the system like this because it takes funds from those who have a genuine need.

Show quote history

I suggests nothing of the sort. CT discount has nothing to do with names on tenancies, as I said before. No one from the CT benefit section of her local council will have access to her agreement and will not demand a copy of it. Oh and FYI many women on here have been advised over the years NOT to add a new partners name to a tenancy in case the relationship breaks down and they lose their and their kids home. This is perfectly legal and does not invalidate the agreement.

So. What are you going to make up now to fit your bigoted prejudiced narrative?

I really cannot wait for your next Ep to drop.....its rather like fanfic!

Gingercar · 14/04/2026 21:46

Arran2024 · 14/04/2026 21:28

Children don't choose who they live with. Their parents make a decision based on what is best. No 14 year old should be allowed to just move into a house because he wants to. What about his mum?

Show quote history

A 14 year old can absolutely decide he prefers to live with his dad. And a court would accept that. What about his mum?? She’d become his non resident parent, like his dad was previously. His mum is only one of his parents.

Heronwatcher · 14/04/2026 21:48

Good grief. I can only assume that you were hoping to make the pages of the daily fail or that you’re Mormons or something. Having that many kids when neither of you have space or own your own home is completely mad.

Nonetheless, I think you have to let his DS live with his dad if that’s what he wants. Do you have a dining room downstairs you could use as a bedroom for you and DH? What about building a cabin of some sort in the garden- would that be allowed?

Lesina · 14/04/2026 21:51

The child always comes first. Always.

RedToothBrush · 14/04/2026 21:51

He should move out and get a three bed.

He should take your shared three and his son with him.

This way you'll all have adequate space and you can't complain about having too many children.

RedToothBrush · 14/04/2026 21:52

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:40

She would have signed a single occupancy tenancy agreement when she got the council house prior to meeting her current partner and having kids with him. She would have been entitled to 25% council tax reduction via a claim form. In the tenancy agreement there will be a clause about declaring if the single occupancy ends. To retain just her name on the tenancy agreement strongly suggests that there’s a reason why she wants to continue to appear a single parent.
i am in favour of welfare spending when it’s for the right reasons but I cannot stand

Show quote history

This is nonsense.

Where on earth did you get this information from?

TakeMeDancing · 14/04/2026 21:53

You and your DP should get better paid jobs to ensure that you can adequately house the 6 children you’ve both chosen to have. (FYI…most families in the UK cannot afford 6 children.)

PestilenceIsIn · 14/04/2026 21:54

YANBU.
I get it.
We have my partners kids every second weekend and one of them week on week off. He would eventually like them all to be week on week off but I have put my foot down at that. It would be chaotic and he wouldn't cope it would all land on me.
I have my own kids and work full time it's hard enough with one of them here that much. I do everything for everyone and I don't think it's my responsibility to be single handedly cleaning up after them too. Not to mention we are overcrowded when they're here as it is.

So I have highlighted the pros and cons and explained why that is never going to work and he has not brought it up again.
It would have been different if we has started out that way when we moved in together but we didn't so it's hard to change that now.

Elsvieta · 14/04/2026 21:57

BettyBoh · 14/04/2026 21:40

She would have signed a single occupancy tenancy agreement when she got the council house prior to meeting her current partner and having kids with him. She would have been entitled to 25% council tax reduction via a claim form. In the tenancy agreement there will be a clause about declaring if the single occupancy ends. To retain just her name on the tenancy agreement strongly suggests that there’s a reason why she wants to continue to appear a single parent.
i am in favour of welfare spending when it’s for the right reasons but I cannot stand

Show quote history

Once again, declaring that someone lives there is not the same thing as putting them on the tenancy. And you can inform the council that you are no longer the only adult in the property and need to stop claiming the single-person discount; it's very simply and easily done. (And unrelated to the tenancy). Just the same as with private rentals.

Ophir · 14/04/2026 21:58

TakeMeDancing · 14/04/2026 21:53

You and your DP should get better paid jobs to ensure that you can adequately house the 6 children you’ve both chosen to have. (FYI…most families in the UK cannot afford 6 children.)

Edited

really have to agree

springvegetables · 14/04/2026 21:59

Aren’t you already overcrowded?

Elsvieta · 14/04/2026 22:01

RedToothBrush · 14/04/2026 21:51

He should move out and get a three bed.

He should take your shared three and his son with him.

This way you'll all have adequate space and you can't complain about having too many children.

Or he could take just DS6 and DS9; he'd have a good chance of getting his own 3-bed then. DD would have a room and nobody would be overcrowded. He won't though, will he - doesn't want to do the work of kids alone.

DSS just doesn't want to behave for his mother and thinks his father will let him get away with more. He'll be better off with her.

LBFseBrom · 14/04/2026 22:02

You need a bigger house. Lobby the council.

Go to your MP who paints himself as very much a man of the people, he may help you find a bigger council house in Clacton if that is your wish.

Walker1178 · 14/04/2026 22:03

I think you’re in a bit of a lose/lose situation OP. I get what others are saying, when your DP has DC they come as a package and they should always have a place in your home. But you’re very clearly overcrowded already, I’m not sure anyone who has commented would choose to live in a regular 3 bed house with 5 boys. Unless a bigger home comes along DD is already sharing with you until DS15 leaves home and you’d be adding even more time if that had to be delayed until DSS moves out.

Realistically if DSS has a stable suitable home with his mum, I’d be encouraging him to stay there. FWIW I don’t think he’d be happier jumping into an over full house if he’s clashing in his current one.

Elsvieta · 14/04/2026 22:04

RedToothBrush · 14/04/2026 21:52

This is nonsense.

Where on earth did you get this information from?

Show quote history

It's amazing (and terrifying) the number of people these days who don't get their ideas from anywhere but social media, GB News and the gutter press (or listening to people who read the gutter press). The age of alternative facts is here to stay.

DaisyDooley · 14/04/2026 22:05

People having kids they can neither adequately house or afford.
Poor bloody stepson -pushed out so his father can father ANOTHER 3 children in an unstable relationship.
I wonder what OP and Partner do to be able to afford seven kids………..