To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Well, it would have been easy if you didn’t have 3 joint dc in the mix - dp moves out with dss & you carry on dating from separate households.

As it is, you are a family with 6 kids. You can’t treat dss differently.

So:
• look into getting moved to a 4 bed
• failing that, you need a room shake up
• you & DP on a sofa bed downstairs
• ds15 & dss14 get the biggest room, with room dividers - if you get creative with bunks & shelving, it’s doable if not ideal
• ds12 & ds9 share the middle sized room
• ds6 & dd2 share the smallest room
• once the older boys start moving out, you re-jig things ASAP so dd gets her own room
• don’t have any more kids
• you & DP don’t get a bedroom back until you’re down to 3 kids still at home, ie 2 boys sharing & the girl with her own room

If you & DP don’t fancy that as a set up, he moves out, to somewhere where he can house his eldest & have the younger three to stay.

What else can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP first I will warn you that Mumsnet is not a very stepmother friendly place.

I completely understand where you're coming from but I also think you are wrong. I had stepchildren as a young wife and I would have felt as you do but since having my own children I see how wrong that would have been. That never came up on in our relationship but I found having the SDC every weekend hard enough. Having now had my own children I think the children would have to come first. How would you feel if your DP said your children couldn't live with you?

Why on earth have you chosen to have so many children with no room?

I'd look to move house...

You've got five kids, two of which are not your DP's, but there's no room for the child that isn't biologically yours... there is no room for the others but you've made space because they're your children.

YABU in acting like his child should somehow be less entitled to live with his family, but YANBU in not wanting more hassle in what is, at the end of the day, your house.

You probably shouldn’t have had kids with him, though.

If space is a problem then the father and son should live together rather than the father sending the message that his own child isn’t worth making any sacrifices for because he’d rather live with you and your other children.

plenty of London Boroughs ensure there is a clause to this effect. Whether older tenancy agreements are still in place is another matter.

why has the OP not declared her partner? We can only assume it’s to avoid paying council tax, and to increase her eligibility for benefits.

Yes

Not all council house tenants are on housing benefit (or any benefits). Where do people get these odd ideas?

Get rid of OP out of her own house?

Yes makes sense 🙄

Bet you they are if they’re pretending to be a single mum of 6 with no partner.

That's a tricky situation. You are right, there are a LOT of children in your house, the space is a real issue.

But it's really unfair that your partner's other children get to live with him - the children he's had with you - and he's also proxy father to your own child, but this lad can't. I don't think that's cool at all.

I think I'd move heaven and earth to try and make it happen. I know it's not as easy as waving a magic wand, but can you move to a larger house? Could you and your partner give up your bedroom and sleep on a sofa bed in the living room? It won't be forever - your children will grow up and move out. And I say this respectfully and with kindness, not judgement - the pair of you DID have all of the children, it was a choice, even if they weren't all planned. You need to make the best of the situation you're in, and parent ALL the kids, not just the ones you personally birthed.

You don't know that's happening though. You don't need to put someone on your tenancy to declare them living there.

People are weird on here.

I’m so sick of reading threads on here where people aren’t putting the kids first . I could get banned so I will not write more.

You have made so many assumptions and accusations like this on the thread.

You have no proof of any of it. You are simply judging OP based on where she lives and how many kids she had. I am sure you would judge me too based on information I could give you, despite that actually I am probably in a far better financial position than you. You are offensive, rude and bigotted.

You are SERIOUSLY embarrassing yourself. I suggest that you stop digging, put down the spade and climb out of the hole.

I bet you he pays most of the rent but he doesn’t officially live there, hence why he thinks he son can live there and why she thinks there’s no room for him. She’s got a council house claiming to be a single mum.

Yeah, because these two 'on-off' geniuses with 6 kids between them, who cannot even house them adequately, but continue having more, they DEFINITELY earn enough to support 8 people (6 kids and 2 adults) without being heavily subbed by a taxpayer. For sure.

Come on now. Council house. 3 kids from 'previous relationships', 3 further ones. Crystal clear what kind of people we're talking about here.

This!
You are saying a man’s children aren’t as important as a woman’s children. When they are ALL existing children in your lives. They should always be welcome at either house. I can’t believe you’d say no. I can understand you may be concerned about how you’re all going to make it work, but you must.
Imagine how awful that child would feel if his father said he couldn’t live with him because his partner’s children were the priority…

Are you drinking? You're assuming some wild shit here dude. Take a breath FFS.

Children don't choose who they live with. Their parents make a decision based on what is best. No 14 year old should be allowed to just move into a house because he wants to. What about his mum?

Just sit him down and explain that you are with his father now so it’s tough shit.

Then your DP can presumably get your kids to leave as well.

I would put a big fold out sofa bed in the living room and you and DP sleep there,
and arrange all 6 children into the three bedrooms.
Until you sort something else.

Maybe one of your children should move out to make room for his child? Would that be acceptable to you? If not then how can you say his child can't live with you all?
He sounds feckless tbh to have all these children that he can't afford to adequately house. Poor kids.

This poor lady came here for help, not hammering.
She has done nothing wrong.
This isn’t a step mam problem or even a step son problem.
its a housing problem.
look at the numbers and imagine livylike that, then adding one more into the mix, when it’s not necessary.
OP. you need to consALL the children, not just one. They all have EQUAL priority.
Also, reading better lines, sounds as though there is a LOT of wife work there already.
Take care