To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Hi OP, this doesn't sound like a selfish question.

It sounds like your DP is feeling a deep need to take on the responsibility of his son and be able to support and care for him in that way, while you're able to see things from a slightly less emotional, more practical angle and you're thinking of the overall overwhelm that the household could possibly end up facing.

Wanting to be able to have a conversation around how things would work practically is a good first step.
This should be approached gently though, as it's likely to be a very sensitive topic for DP.

Try and approach it from the point of view of "let's figure out how we could support DS in the best way" instead of "I don't see how it would actually work".

Who the fuck said she's frauding benefits cos I'm pretty sure her financial situation isn't mentioned in any of her posts. For all we know she could be working. No her living situation isn't ideal and they needed a bigger house as soon as she had her 5th child to be quite honest. Her 3bed would have been big enough to house her and 4 sons. Council wouldn't have seen her home as overcrowded until she had her daughter. Her council rent isn't based on how many people live in her house,IF she claims UC(which most people do even if they're working when they have kids) her rent will be paid regardless how many live there. It doesn't mean she's not added her partner to a claim. If she works her UC will be reduced accordingly to her wage deductions. She's definitely not going to get bedroom taxed for under occupancy with five kids in a three bedroomed property

What about an old, last-legs caravan (so that it is cheap to get and you can disable the cooking facilities for safety around your toddlers without worrying about resale - also don't bother with water/toilet out there) on the drive/lawn (if there is one) for a bit of extra living space for the older teens during the day, and in compromise, a curtained off part of the living room for the DSS at night?

Her house but they’ve got 3 joint dc so it’s their family home. It’s not like he moved in 6 months ago.

He needs to ‘make it work’ for his kid, absolutely. You don’t need to be a part of it.

Oh dear!You are stopping your partner's son living with you,but ig is ok for your kids to live with you.
You are being very unreasonable. Not up to you to say no.

I think it sounds as if he would be better getting a pad and having the bairn there. I can't see how all of you can fit on a 3 bed house.

Unless you bang an exchange and hope someone wants to downsize from a 4.

How would you fit 6 kids and 2 adults into a 3 bed house out of interest?

It's his child, therefore his responsibility. You'll have to make it work.

Adults sofa bed in living room
dd box room
3 boys bedroom
2 boys bedroom

or possibly a cabin in garden for older teens

I don't think one more child makes any difference.

I would say at this point you have too many kids for the number of bedrooms you have. Yes it is understandable he wants and should be able to live with his dad. However you need to apply for bigger accommodation and his dad needs to do more to make it work with the number of kids you have.

This. Why have you produced so many kids between you in just a 3 bed house? The pair of you are being VVUNREASONABLE.

Get a caravan for the garden

They could put a few tents up in the garden? I mean there's space for another few surely??

She will be violating the terms of her council tenancy agreement by not declaring another adult at the property. Simple.
IF she claims any benefits and signs something to say she lives alone with her kids then she is committing fraud.

Take it you're not in a council house then if you're talking about cabins.

A decent sofa bed could work, just needs an air brick put in but not very practical when you've got teens who might want to stop up for a bit.

Threads like this just make me sad at the choices people make. Two people who already had 3 kids between them, living in a 3 bed house, going on and having three more kids, crammed into a too small property. As a result the dad can't provide a home for his eldest.

One extra kid you'd forgive an accident but ffs why didn't anyone get sterilised after that?

I agree. My next door neighbours DC have no kind of routine. They're back and forth with a backpack every few days. It looks chaotic. They don't get out til the afternoon/evening doing stuff when most people are starting to settle down by that point of the day. Lots of ferrying children back and forth. I feel relief it's not my situation tbh...

I’m in an ex council house that I bought years ago and has a massive garden

compared to new houses that have garden size of stamp

Drip feed (esp re children) was not very helpful and means many people have wasted their time early on - OP needs to go to the LA and explore getting on a waiting list for a larger property. 7 people in a 3 bed house is already ridiculously overcrowded and not in best interests of the existing children.

At the moment DSS cannot move in. OPs children - sole and shared - have nowhere else to go to but DSS already has a home. Should they get offered a larger house at some point they can then offer DSS a bed, but until then DP needs to work with his son and son’s mother to resolve this without moving him in.

When/if that happens, then DP also needs to man up financially - ie he needs to offer a minimum of 50% of bills to reflect that 3-4 of the resident children are his.

There is no short -term fix. 14yo’s push back against their mothers all the time. They don’t all get to move home, and not into a house that is already over-occupied.

@DuvetInTheDaytime you have kids together and your kids live there too. Yet one child isn’t allowed to Be part of the family full time .
The answer is you can’t say no .
Maybe do can live out take the kids you have together and let his son move in.
Maybe one of your kids can move out and make room for his son .
All seem extreme ? So is telling one child they can’t be part of the family and aren’t welcome come full time.

Equally it’s unhelpful and infantilising to make out that these things have just happened to the OP rather than been via decisions she has made.

I'd get rid of you to make space to be honest. Why do your children take priority, maybe they could live elsewhere? Oh no, wait you wouldn't want that. You sound awful, it is his son and if he wants to live with his dad, his dad will make it work, if it means not being with you anymore so be it.

He only moved in a year ago.