To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Good god that depressing then that you have had that role and still don’t know this basic fact.

Yes obviously.

You must not have kids to not think this is relevant but as a parent, when I move house my first thought it to ensure that there is enough space for everyone.

Then when deciding whether to have another child I think about how it will affect my current DC, can I afford another child and do I have space.

If I moved in with a man with DC from a previous relationship then I’d understand that my home would be their home and that might mean living with them FT or only a few days a month.

Its common sense to think that having a child means that they could potentially live with you FT.

But she hasn't and probably won't either

What basic fact?

do you not understand?

I move in in 2014 and I am the only adult on the tenancy agreement, signed and filed away.

In. 2024 my partner moved in, I phone the council and tell them

they are not “added to the tenancy agreement”

Says someone who got their information from Google and is unable to employ critical thinking that perhaps there isnt a brand new tenancy agreement drawn up every time a tenant moves a partner, parent or friend in/out.

I havnt read any replies so excuse me if this has been anwsered or already said ....

Are the children living with you, your DPs too ... if not, and are just yours then I dont see how its fair that ur saying Dp can live with YOUR children but his son cant live with him...

Please ignore if im wrong...

Also ... let's say shoe was on other foot and one of your children lived with its dad, then after coming to yours weekends etc decided they wanted to come n live with you ... how would u feel if your DP was refusing?

Think how the 14 year old son feels ...

Is there any possibility that DP & his son can rent somewhere close by so there would be more room, or anywhere bigger u could all fo to?

You both need to prioritise your own children. If you cant make it work together then you'll need to live separately I'm afraid.
I too am a step mum and its not easy when you're all cramped under one roof!
Absolutely your partner had the right to have his own child full time (if both he and mum agree) but equally, your partner needs to make sure his situation can accommodate this too as it needs to be whats in the best interest for all the children living together.
He cant just say yes if he won't have a bedroom (for example 2 bed house with 2 teenage girls already sharing a room). He would need to move out and prioritise his son rather than your relationship.
Very challenging times ahead I'm afraid. Hopefully he's got a good co-parenting relationship with mum and this can be discussed sensibly as to how everything will work out.

Goodness - you’ve learned something new @Itsmetheflamingo

*Why are there restrictions on adding people to tenancy agreements?
Social housing stock is allocated based on assessed need. An unlimited right for sitting tenants to assign or add people to tenancy agreements, or for their relatives to succeed to these tenancies, could undermine landlords’ allocation policies and their ability to fulfil statutory duties to homeless households.
**

source? None other than….

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/can-i-add-a-relative-to-my-social-housing-tenancy-agreement/

I don’t think it’s doable him living with you. It has to be right for everyone, including your children. They’re already unhappy sharing, without adding another child into the mix.

tbh you’ve got too many kids and not enough bedrooms.

its just not suitable for him to live with you, your partner isn’t on the tenancy, he’s lazy with the kids and you’ve barely lived with him that long so in my opinion he doesn’t get a choice.

if he wants his ds to live with him then he needs to get a 2 bed place somewhere else.

your dss has a perfectly good home with his mum, he’s not being abandoned, neglected or anything like that so he stays put.

You don’t understand what you’re posting. Everyone can see you’re misunderstanding it and the posts. I know you think you’re being a badarse but you’re just clueless

From Google?

from Shelter

and the government

😆

But your links don’t say what you think they do.

im cringing hard

Op will be in receipt of benefits
op will be the only person on the tenancy despite her partner and her having 3 kids together and living together for benefit fraud purposes
the op will be claiming single person discount for council tax purposes - another way of defrauding the shame

guaranteed

Omg - 16 years of experience
this is embarrassing

no wonder there’s so much benefit fraud!!

Brilliant. 5 kids of your own that you can’t afford to house properly. And he shares 3 of those kids (despite being “on and off” with you) and has 1 other.

Yes, I think you’re being unreasonable with your SS. And I think you’re massively unreasonable having so many children.

Op I have to go to serve dinner but for the love of god - don’t have another baby and introduce yet more carnage to this circus

Maybe you need to put the ball in court. He wants to make it work? Then get him find a property that fulfills all of your needs, explain and make a plan which household chores he is taking on including drops and pick ups and let him do research what financial help he would be entitled to? Like Child Benefit and maintenance. He also needs to arrange a meeting with his son, the Mum, and you to discuss it. I think you will find that if you make it clear to him that he has to pull his finger out and not just add his kid and dump him into your lap, that all of a sudden he won't be too keen on the whole idea anymore.

Living together separately makes the most sense here. You have a house with your DC and your DP has a house with his DC. See each other when you can.

But ultimately why get involved with someone who already has children?

Five kids already? In a 3-bed? No, you don't have room for another.

"We'll make it work" (without saying how) = "I expect you, the woman, to make it work". Don't do it.

What??? Her partner’s son did not suddenly appear as a long lost relative. He was there all along. So all she needed to say to her partner was ‘look mate - I’ve got two boys and you’ve got one. There are three bedrooms in my house. If you want any more kids shared between us then we need to look at whether we can afford a bigger house’. Because if you haven’t got space for the kids who are already alive, bringing more into the equation is deeply unfair to all involved.
Counting step son out of the housing calculations was insane - he is the bloke’s SON!
The category for unpredictable events would be suddenly taking on nieces or nephews, for example. A known SON needs a bed at the very least. Poor sod on the sofa.

Sorry but you have misunderstood that guidance. What you’re quoting is speaking to ‘assigning’ or adding people to tenancies, which gives them equal rights as the original tenant. All OP has to do in her situation is call or write to the HA advising them that her partner has moved in and he would be added as a ‘permitted occupant’. Simple as that. Any benefit calculations are a completely separate issue but do rely on accurate information on number and age of all occupants in the household, whether they’re working or in education etc.

The stupid is strong with this one!

Of course she knows more than you and your years of professional experience, because she googled something!!

YANBU to be concerned about the logistics of housing 6 kids in a 3 bed house and to look honestly about the logistics and comfort of everyone in your family.
What does your DSS mum say?

Could it work if you divide the biggest room into 3 (stud walls) and second biggest room into 2 with stud walls ? It may be a temporary fix ? It might also mean someone may not have window but would they mind also you & hubby having smallest room ?

Having 5 kids in a 3 bed house was a little mad - sounds like you kept going till had a Girl - let alone 6 due to partners son

obv when you got together you had a 5&2 and he had a 4yr

i can almost understand why wanted a joint child but to then add on 2 more after having 4 kids in 2 bedrooms , that insane or did you think you would be entitled to a 4/5 bed house

you are going to have to think about moving as your daughter can’t sleep in your room forever

what happens when she is 3/4/5 an needs own room

or you will have to sleep on the sofa and dd have box room and the 5 boys share the 2 large rooms (currently their and your bedroom)

and yes if his son wants to live with dad and be cramped there must be a good reason why doesn’t want to live in peace at his mums - unless she has met someone and he has small half siblings via her as well as the 3 youngest he shares via his dad and you