To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

well you’re wrong

Well firstly, you are being massively offensive by assuming that the OP is even claiming benefits at all. Of the three women I know in LA housing, none of them claim benefits (yes I do know this as fact).

And secondly, no they dont. Her claim for the housing element of UC (if she is claiming) is totally separate from her tenenacy with the local authority.

Generally to do with losing benefits not losing council housing.

The only time number of occupants affects the rent as far as I know is where the “bedroom tax” applies - we don’t know if OP is on benefits or not, but even if she is her family certainly aren’t underoccupying the house, regardless of whether her partner lives there.

Disclosing that a partner lives in the property doesn't make them become a tenant. That's a separate process. And no, you don't lose social housing because of a partner moving in.

Doesn’t that count as overcrowded?

These three women you know…. All live in a three bedroom house with 6 kids and a partner of a decade who is the father of her three children who isn’t on the tenancy agreement?

I was referring to her tenancy, not any benefit claim, which as I am sure you know is totally separate. I can assure that I know more than most.

Ive not rtft but i think its unfair to say he cant live with his dad. Its not your decision.

If you have both made choices like being together when you both have kids and then setting up house without space for one of the kids - you are both wrong for that in my opinion.

Can you give up your bedroom and buy a sofa bed for living room for you and dh to sleep on and give the boy your bedroom until you figure out a better long term solution?

They don’t need to make any calculations.

they charge OP the weekly/ monthly rent and she pays it.

you reckon they recalculate rent for everyone constantly? 🤣

no. Your rent is £180 a week when it’s advertised and that’s that. Doesn’t matter if one person moves in or 4

Maybe, I dont know this might be a wild suggestion, read the thread?

You need to declare all adults and dependents living in a property on a HA tenancy agreement.
fact

Millions of people are over crowded. It’s unlikely to change anything

I am not saying he should live with you fulltime as that might not be fair on his mum.

however the reason for it shouldn’t be that you don’t want him to or that there isn’t space. He has as much right to live their fulltime as any of your kids do. You choose to have 6 kids between you, having space to have them all in your house shouldn’t have been factored in when making that decision. I would love more kids but stopped at 2 because that’s what we comfortably have space for.

if the child has behavioural issues then maybe it’s how he’s treated by his family, well effectively not made to feel like part of the family.

Was the OP really expected to make provision for a child who, until recently, didn’t want to live them - no one has a crystal ball

You've already had a million people clutch their pearls and say you absolutely MUST but without saying how, so I'll offer some possible practical ideas...

You say you are a 3 bed council house with 5 kids already. Are you not already classed as overcrowded" especially as the toddler is in with you? If DP's son moved in, would that not also strengthen the case for a larger property? Can you apply for a larger house/swap to increase number of bedrooms that would then also accommodate your partners son?

If that's not feasible/will take a long time etc, look at how you might divide the largest bedroom to accommodate the 4 oldest boys. E.g. - 2 sets of bunk bed either side of room , kallax units to divide room and colour coded boxes provide everyone with designated storage, under bed storage boxes etc.

Make sure each child has access to their own personal music player and headphones so they can zone out each other/not inflict their choice on others.

Snoozebands to help with blocking out sleep/light if have different bedtimes.

Get them to discuss and agree rules for their shared space.

If there are arguments about who has top bunk etc put a rota in place for a month each, changing on an an agreed weekend each month.

Then 6 year old Ds and 2 old year old DD share smallest room again in bunk beds, storage again colour coded.

Having yours and DPs own bedroom space without any children sharing it will help give you some respite from feeling that the kids are everywhere!

Any consoles or computers for homework, large toys etc to be situated downstairs if they arent already.

Make sure ALL the kids are doing their share, appropriate to their ages. Even the 2 year old can be encouraged to put their toys away and their clothes in the washing basket. Its not just on parents to keep everything ticking along!

3 of the kids are teens, they absolutely can and should be mucking in with household tasks like washing, tidying, shopping, washing up/dishwaashers, looking after the little ones etc. Kids (especially teen boys!) need to see that household tasks are the responsibility of everyone in the household.

Good luck!

Yes she should have.

Declaring adults in the property is a quick phone call or email to the landlord. It’s no big deal at all, happens every day.

it has nothing to do with the tenancy or benefits.

It is not ok.

Now what? That doesn't change anything.

Nah…he’ll be off at a Trump rally.

It is her decision when it is her house.

Has this feckless fucker got any more children that might want to move in ?

Lets just clear something up for people that dont know.

A council property is at a set rent for the property. It makes no difference how many people live there, one or twenty one
(bedroom tax aside). The rent is set, usually on bedrooms and area but obviously that depends on LA how they calculate it.

A tenancy does not need to be changed when a partner moves in, it can be if they want it to be but it doesnt have to be.

A benefit claim (which I say again, no one here knows that the OP has made) is separate from any LA tenancy, neither has any bearing on the other.

A benefit claim WOULD need to know how many people are in the household, how many work etc but again, that is totally separate from the tenancy.

There is no evidence whatsoever that the OP is committing any fraud.

At what point in the past 10 years did the OP realise this, bearing in mind the ages of the children they have had together?

Utter rubbish. You arrange your housing around the people who need at the time, imagine if we all had to acquire extra bedrooms just in case things change in the future

That poor boy. He must be desperate to want to move in there. What a mess!