To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

This. What a mess. You cannot think this living situation is suitable for your children as it is. Does he work?

How is it discrimination? Who attached a protected characteristic of the OP’s? Or anything even approaching one?

Being stupid isn’t a protected characteristic.

I think the lack of sense in this thought demonstrates how irrelevant it was tbh

we knew from the start they were overcrowded. The fact that some children were joint and younger just allowed posters to attack her with glee

This is why I would never put my children through the whole blended family thing. It’s easier just to be single.

Discrimination against council tenants

It’s unlikely a couple living in a 3 bed council house in a deprived city with six kids between them aren’t claiming UC.

ok I think im going to leave this now

knew id get loads of these sort of replies tbh and the “why would you have more kids” comments which arent even helpful to whats actually being asked

some of you have been helpful so thank you for that but alot is just judging or making assumptions that arent even right

im not saying he shouldnt see his dad or live with him im saying I dont see how it works HERE without it affecting everyone else and no ones really said how apart from “just do it”

anyway kids need sorting and I cant be bothered reading through anymore of it all

thanks to those who actually tried to answer properly 👍

Hoe oh earth have you come to the (wrong) conclusion that there's benefit fraud?

When my now ex moved in with me we never got around to putting him on the tenancy. We did however, notify the benefit officeso no fraud was committed. Private rent, not council house but i don't think that makes any difference. I have to admit it made him leaving much easier.

Tell DP he needs to cook and clean and pay for food for all 5 kids.

Says you based on no knowledge or data whatsoever

Six kids and a three-bedroom house....yeah, makes sense. That means six kids are sharing between TWO bedrooms.

They will likely carry on and have more.

the rent she pays the council will be based on occupancy of the house and income of its tenants.

@DuvetInTheDaytime I suppose it is doable if you have a bed settee in the lounge.

Little one in the smallest room two eldest in next room and three other boys in largest room.

You could get a caravan as an additional bedroom i know of someone who did that for older teens.

But i do not see that you have any obligations, and it is possible that DSS would not like your rules either and return to his mums, not uncommon with teens with separated parents.

In addition it will not be that many years before the eldest 2 fly the nest.

So’s it not as permanent as it might seem.

if your OH is not pulling his weight already (which sounds likely from what you say you need to address that anyway.

Ignore all the pompous judgements and assumptions made about your private business. Some of it is about well off people who are divorced and in second marriages “projecting” on to you.

others just think that lots of people are just scrounges, and jump to ill informed conclusions.

Do not under any circumstances give up or share your tenancy.

I would like to imagine that although you household may be noisy and chaotic that love also lives with you all.

hope you find a solution.

He has just as much right to live there as any of your own children. Why don't you kick one out to make room for him? (Or can see how unreasonable it is for a parent to refuse to house their child when they're yours?)

They're probably claiming UC, albeit not necessarily the housing element since the rent will be low, but the stuff about not declaring DP living there to claim as a single parent was completely invented. Plus none of the posters suggesting it show any indication that they understand how social housing tenancies actually work.

You’re so wrong, I have no idea how you have the front to state that confidently.

Benefits / rent (subsidised by housing benefit because it’s a council house) will be based on occupants of the house. The DP is not declared as living there. It’s fraud.

Because its HER house. Which he doesnt even contribute 50/50 too.

Ridiculous comment 🙄

Some of the comments on here are downright offensive.

So the OP is committing benefit fraud and is going to keep popping out babies, or the teenagers will start popping them out instead.

Its utterly disgusting how some people are being on here and they should be bloody ashamed of themselves. How dare you make such comments based purely on where someone lives and how many kids they have?

Was I ok having six kids because I own my own home mortgage free? Even though I claim far more benefits these days than anyone I know in council properties?

You know zero about this

You’ve moved swiftly once you were called out for not declaring to the council that your partner lives there. Can’t face it that you’re committing fraud?

Haha! Wow that comment is so ignorant its hilarious!

You didn’t mind overcrowding with your own but not with his. Why is this number of children too much but not number 3 or 4?

Getting together with someone who has a dc means that this is always a possibility.

You and dp go on a sofa bed to the lounge and juggle the dc around in the bedrooms.

This.

And you already pay more than DP does for the household upkeep.

His reaction is to shrug his shoulders and say "we will make it work" but what he really means is You will make it work, by doing all the work and paying all the extra costs yourself.

It's a great way to avoid a detailed discussion.

Does DP pay maintenance to ex for DSS? If DSS stays full time does that mean that he will end this arrangement. Will some of that be directed towards covering the extra costs? Or will you be taking over covering DSS's living costs?

It seems you haven't got much wiggle room
Either
find a way to squeeze him in - and ways around the issues arising that you've already detailed. - but without your DP doing anything to help, its easy to see why you are protesting this.
Or, see if there is a solution to what is bothering DSS at his mum's house so he can stay there and still visit you. - Might be difficult for you to do that, again, you'd need DP's help.
Or, DP moves out and houses DSS - Would he even consider that?

I'm so Sorry OP... I don't know what I would do in your situation. Probably start with option 2 and go from there.. But I do think you are getting a hard time on this thread, which isn't fair.

Is DS being encouraged to come to yours so your DP doesn’t need to pay child support? I can’t see how a child could study for exams in those overcrowded circumstances