To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

So where was he living up until a year ago whilst you had three of his kids? Sounds like he needs to go back there as from your responses OP it doesn't sound like he does much for his kids now he lives with you all so I can imagine he didn't do a fat lot for his kids before he came to live with you

He needs to sort out a house big enough for you all.

You just don't have space at the moment.

Totally agree with this. And as a step parent, you just can’t win.

Might be the teens fathering children

Given your update regarding your children, I don't think it would be in your SS's best interests to move in unless he's really unhappy at his Mum's.

Instead of saying it'll be fine, your DP needs to speak privately to his son (take him out somewhere that they can have a quiet chat) and find out exactly why he wants to move in. Something must really be upsetting him to want to move into such an overcrowded house. His Mum may have a partner whom he doesn't get on with, for example, or perhaps he's having problems at school.

Get to the bottom of what's going and move forward from there.

It’s not a one or the other situation.

chances that both will happen? High

No wonder Op didn’t want to tell everyone how many children she has in the house. It’s descended into rudeness and discrimination

This is heartbreaking to read you speak like this. If you have a relationship with someone with a child you should surely always factor in room for them in your home, whether full time or every couple of weeks, or holidays etc?!

It’s not actually.

Depending on the room sizes obviously, 2 x Bunk Beds in one room 1 x bunk bed in another room or the feckless adults give up THEIR room, the children all sleep upstairs and THEY get a sofa bed downstairs in the living room.

Hang on… you decided to have three children with him despite not living together and only having a three bedroom house? So you can make room for all the children you want, but not your DP son? In your DPs position I wouldn’t stand for that.

YABVU. The child should be able to live with his father.

No because unfortunately a lot of the time the children aren't prioritised in step-families. People won't like to hear it but it's true. I'm a step-child.

The DP leaves all the school stuff, washing and prepping meals to the OP. He is hardly father of the year.

That poor child. Heartbreaking that he probably feels completely unwanted. This thread is really upsetting. My own son is 16 and the thought of him in this situation is devastating.

I havent said no just that I need an actual plan not just “it will be fine” because it wont just magically be fine

It’s a very male trait to brush off logistical queries in this way, not to mention really unhelpful.

Perhaps you can house them then.

Yes it seems like it will be challenging to have him there the whole time - but I’m curious why he wants to be given some of the issues, over crowding, fights.

Things must be pretty bad with his DM?

Or is it DH pushing the agenda?

You obviously need to put in for a bigger council house but that could take years so you’re just going to have to cope for now.

Personally, if I was DP I would put my DCs first and get on the council list and move out with the 2 youngest boys and the DSS.

I think you’ve both been very selfish and I feel so sad for these poor kids.

Not only because you chose to have 3 more kids that you couldn’t house but also because they’ve had to deal with the shit show of your relationship for the past 10 years.

And you wonder why all of your kids are fighting, when they’ve had to witness you and DPs pathetic excuse for a relationship for 10 years.
They have had no stability and you wonder why they’re a little stressed out.

I don’t think I’ve ever read about 2 more selfish people in my life.
Poor kids 💔

Maybe not because, looking at the line up, it looks sadly as though they kept going until they had a girl 😢

It’s very relevant though.

You can’t moan that you don’t have room for 1 of your kids and then say you went on to have 3 more.

Thinking about it, there has been a lot of obvious rage bait style threads recently. Hopefully this is just another one.

Oh it will be “I love babies”….
or a slip up

it will just work out’ made me think of this.

none of this is about rights or you being selfish! You simply don’t have space … so what is DP going to do to fix the space issue - can he contribute more - find a house to swap etc or is it for you to make this happen as well as make it work?

I agree.

Despite everything that’s been said, and I agree with and have contributed to, by way of criticism, you need a plan going forward.

I can see two possibilities-

1. DP sorts a property that’s big enough for you all, including his eldest son. What does he do for work? Can he rent a bigger house for you all, even in a different area? Best solution but possibly not workable?
2. You apply for a bigger house - I’m assuming you’ve tried this already?
3. DP moves out again with his DS. More feasible, I’d imagine, and this must have been the situation before a year ago? That means that your DD can stay in the room with you a bit longer and eases the overcrowding a bit.

Why did he move in at the specific point he did?

Could be! I mean, I don’t know, but it just jumped out, the youngest being a girl.