To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Poor kid, you are being very unreasonable, bloody awful actually.

Where does it say she gets housing benefit or hasn't declared her dp lives there?

Most likely it would be the housing element of UC these days, but you're mixing up two things. Housing tenancy requirements and benefit entitlement.

Being in a council house doesn't mean you're entitled to benefits towards the rent, and even if you are, you can tell UC about it and have them included in your award without them being a tenant. Indeed, you should tell UC about it even if they're not a co-tenant.

Well yes it's a fair comment isn't it, responsible grown ups plan properly for the future. The step son already existed prior to all these new siblings. Common sense would be to plan to have less children so they could provide a bed for all the existing children.

As it is they now have an overcrowded house and the only logical solution is for them to live separately as they did a year ago.

wow what a lot of children ! you are already over crowded !

are you bidding on 4 bedroom properties ? what banding have you been given as you must have been bidding for a good couple of years.

mind you, what on earth possessed you to have so many children ? when the house was already full

Well, this is a mess. Even without the stepson issue, little DD has no bedroom.

If you truly cannot afford to house this large tribe of children, then you need to speak seriously to relatives. Would your parents take the eldest and give him his own room with a desk for studying his GCSEs?

Honestly, that's a hell of a drip feed, and people are still just commenting on the OP and none of the additional information.

"It'll work out" especially coming from someone who sounds as if they do none of the working out, is a bit ridiculous in your situation. You are already beyond capacity given that the toddler has to live in your bedroom. You aren't going to shake out a spare bedroom for your daughter (where is she going once she doesn't fit in your room anymore?) much less for your SS who already presumably has a place to live.

So…. Benefit fraud
nice

How do you know she’s even on housing benefit?!

No point saying they should have made plans a long time ago. They didn't and have to deal with the situation as it is right now.

They can't turn back time.

Stop showing yourself up !!!

I don’t know why you are eye rolling?

Sensible people DO NOT choose to have 6 children total when living in a 3 bed.

Yet another shit show. Irresponsible adults.

Tenancies and benefits are not related

op has not said she is on benefits

This poor boy stands no chance of GCSE revision

Yes I suppose the father could get his own place with his son and the younger joint sons. Leaving OP with the older boys of her own and the DD. Three kids each.

Yeah and they're not dealing with it are they?! You're just winding various people up, grow up.

Eye rolling because it is physically impossible 🙄

Yep.

“said”. Why? Because it would be benefit fraud if she admitted the truth.

but I’d put money on it this family is in receipt of a shed load of benefits and this house with her sole name on the tenancy agreement will be because of benefit fraud

Agreed before I saw you also have 3 DC together. I must admit my first thought was whether the DP's trying to get out of child maintenance.

I certainly agree with you, OP, you can't squeeze another teenager in! Maybe he could have longer weekends at yours, but it looks like time for a conference between you, DP, his son and his ex.

Im sure the OP Knows she's overcrowded. Im sure she knows how many children she has. Why keep screeching about it it is done. But it's her house it's her final say especially as she does all the work.

What an absolute shit show.. poor kids you are where you are.
First stop is to get some contraception for both of you.
Secondly, think about either applying for a larger council house or private rental. Do either of you work? is this financially viable?
If a larger house isn't an option, I would seriously consider asking DP to move out with his SS, you can have a stable base with your 5 DC, and DP can do visitation.

Chances that this pair will have another baby together?

High. Sadly. Very high.

Why would you assume that? Because council tenants are always feckless and criminal?

Most council house residents pay full rent

Absolutely no chance of revision - and maybe not much chance of concentrating at school either if things are a bit chaotic at home day and night.

DP needs to speak to his ex and see what she’s saying.

If she wants the son to live with you FT then you have no options.

But if she’d like the son to stay in her home, then you can talk to DSS about staying over more but not FT due to his mum missing him.

Why not just swap the days over that you do now?
Him staying at yours during the week and his mums at the weekend?
If they’re out most of the day at school then there will be less fights than him being there all day on the weekends.