To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Sitting around at a baby group drinking coffee is not working.

Dealing with a colicky baby alone whilst 4 months post partum, healing from a difficult birth, and suffering from post partum depression however, is. The baby groups are helping Op to cope. Without them she will go back to being a wreck who cannot care for the baby, and what then?

@NicknamesAreAPain @Rainbowpumpkin

I don't think its so much the partner doesn't recognise how important the baby groups are. He simply doesn't care or he's trying to isolate her further. She's already isolated from her family and old friends.

Ops HV has referred her to groups. HV is onto him and is recognising she needs support.
He's already making noises about another baby, another classic sign of abuse, keep her pregnant and vulnerable.

I sincerely hope her mum (whos sounds a star lady) comes to visit soon. And I think Op should go visit her mum too.
Which is more about getting her some breathing space away from him. And time to relax with some actual support around her.
She can then decide what she wants to do.

Being a SAHM is different to being on Maternity Leave with PND... surely you can see that?

You are very immature.

My DC are adults now but even when they were babies the idea that maternity leave was for housework seemed outrageous. What extra housework is there to do compared with when at work? I would just do a bit at the weekend to keep things hygienic and tell your DH to do his own clothes washing.

Looking after a baby is blinking hard work.

I don't think it would be legal in any employment circumstances to be on call 24 hrs a day 7 days a week.

Yet we have a poor mum, velcro baby, been doing her best, out with the paint brush, making banana bread. Bach cooking breakfast (wtf) surely to goodness, he can manage to launch some milk into his frosties .

And yet its not good enough for him or his equally abusive mother.
Nothing she does will never be good enough for them.
And Ops wondering why she has PND?

The point your husband and his family appear to have forgotten is that looking after a baby IS a full time job - that goes far in excess of 9-5 it goes being available ALL day and ALL night. If you write down how much you’re doing over a 24 hour period versus him, bet it’s more.
if he wants a clean house tell him to either get a cleaner or do it himself. Do not let MIL help as she will no doubt lord that over you.
for me, the issue here is not whether or not you should go to your baby groups it’s the way this man and his mother are speaking to you with zero respect, an unfounded amount of judgement and it’s bordering on bullying.
i don’t know what it is but sadly i both experienced and saw family members treating new mums in similar ways to this with high criticisms high judgement and an I know best attitude - it’s gaslighty and it’s hard.
i remember reasoning, working extra hard at everything to try and ‘prove’ i was doing well enough and constantly doubting myself - experience taught me best response is grey rock to stuff like this show them you simply won’t be engaging with these conversations going forward. If they see the reaction they’ll keep pushing. My own mother did stuff like this to me and what happened was I now talk to her about nothing of much depth and she knows if she gets critical or judgemental I’ll disengage and she probably won’t hear an awful lot from me until she pipes down. Takes some training…..
with MIL she’s getting far too involved it’s not her place at all. Kill with kindness and grey rock - above all DO NOT ever explain yourself to her, gives her too much power and from what you’ve said she will
abuse that.
new babies trigger weird family dynamic. Some grandparents just go through something - I think for them it sometimes brings back memories of their baby and
theres an element of loss of that as their baby forms their own nuclear families - bit like
weddings. No one talks about it much but I really do think it’s a thing and sad thing is in my experience they have absolutely no awareness of it and are happy about the baby at the same time so don’t realise they’re experiencing end of an era with their own child and there’s feelings under the surface about that.
this is your time with your new baby
and then number one goal
here is baby - those groups you’re going to bring your baby friends and confidence and community - I did the same and my daughter is 13 now. She is so grounded within our community and sociable and knows so many people- that’s everything for wellbeing and networks are powerful don’t forget. These mums you’re sat with today could be the ones that give your baby work experience one day or introduce them to a friend of a friend who opens a door. That’s not why you’re doing this you’re friends and it’s mutual support but I’m just saying the friendships you make now, it all shapes your child’s life later in way you can’t imagine now.
it all starts going to the baby groups. who’s going to care whether the shelves were dusty that day if you have a wonderful community of friends around you as you raise your family - baby groups bring WAY more to your child than dusting shelves
ignore these people missing the bigger picture and stick to your guns! Sounds like they’ve got confused over who the
individual is that needs looking after!
sorry one more point I’ve observed a lot of men kicking off about this sort of thing when babies are born - not about the cleaning it’s about the fact they’ve lost your full
attention - interesting he went running to mummy - he’s missing being the centre of attention in my view and missing you

Oh my gosh is this the 1950's? If you weren't on maternity leave and were working full time too, who would be cooking dinner? Cleaning? Because it should be equal?! Same with early maternity leave it should be equal and he should be helping to support you and baby. You are not on 'housekeeping leave'.

Keep going to baby groups, they are 2hrs a day you've got the rest of day to do a few bits but your husband should be helping you and both take in turns to cook etc.

I personally would try to wait and eat with husband as it's nice to eat a meal with them for that connection time.

With a 16 week old baby with colic who will cry if not being held, after birth so difficult OP is having to have counselling? Yes, I think it’s fair her husband makes some pasta or pops dinner in the oven themselves after going to work and giving the dog a walk. Plenty of people go to work then make their own dinner.

Presumably your partner also isn’t an arsehole and you approach family life as a team. OP’s husband is so unsupportive that he won’t let her see the health visitor alone, even when the health visitor has requested this so clearly sees signs that worry her. He’s so unsupportive he purposefully checks high places for dust then berates her.

I don’t know in what world you thought your post was helpful to a woman who gave birth just 16 weeks ago, traumatically, and has a baby that won’t be put down and a clearly emotionally unsupportive partner.

GO TO THE BABY GROUPS! Do what brings you joy/gets you through/helps you & baby thrive.
Fuck your MIL - she can tidy if she’s concerned. And your “DH” needs to chill a little, do what he can - as you’re also doing what you can. But please don’t skip your groups to stay home & do the laundry & dishes.

If the father had given birth 16 weeks ago traumatically, to the point counselling was required, and had a colicky baby in arms all day then I would absolutely tell the theoretical mum that she should cook dinner yes. It’s not comparable though is it, because men don’t give birth and typically aren’t the primary carer for the first few months of a baby’s life. It’s not a sex / gender thing. It’s about the reality of what OP has experienced over the last 4 months.

He’s an abusive arsehole. That’s what he is.

If he’s so bothered he can hire a cleaner. Your mum sounds amazing, you sound amazing, and your DP is an arse.

"He keeps going up to high places and checking if there is dust. I reminded him its not just for me.... He said he should have homecooked meal waiting for him like. He sometimes goes to his mums for dinner as she says he shouldn't be doing a full day at work and then sorting a oven cooked dinner himself."

😂😂😂

What a fucking knob. OP, tell him he needs to take a week off work and take over everything that YOU do, and then let's see how he feels about it all.

I'm sorry you have such a useless partner.

i really feel for you. My OH did expect a home cooked meal when he came home from work. After about a week of telling him to get himself some cheese on toast he wised up and learnt how to cook. He still does the majority of the cooking now and DD is 12.

She was so clingy I also couldn’t do anything. She spent her first 6 months in a sling!

Take care of you first. I also had PND and had zero support. I wish I’d had a more supportive health visitor who recognised it earlier and recommended baby groups.

Take care x

😂😂 it wasn’t irrelevant but you are welcome to your opinion. Like I said originally she shouldn’t give up her socialising, I also stated her MIL is out of order. But also having a routine to keep on top of the home can also help with mental health. I was using examples how I cope and I’ve been in very dark places mentally at times. It’s not all on OP but not is it all on husband when he has been at work all day. Should be an even load for both. If this was a husband post not helping in house while on leave but wife working which I’ve seen many, people’s responses are often very different. Sounds like both are struggling, he needs to be more patient and understanding and stop going to his mum, MIL needs to stay in her own lane and stay out of it and OP hopefully can use everyone’s advice and life experiences to make small steps to help with the house so it’s not all on the husband or he feels like it is. Never did I say she needs to do what I do, nor did I say it’s all on her.

Yes I do think fair as other people point out i am not a houseslave when going on maternity leave i didnt once have conversations that I would do everything
Stupid man thinking I am little woman and should do all

If you’re a decent person though, and your wife has a young, difficult baby, and is struggling with her mental health and keeping up with life generally.

You don’t tell her to step up, stop doing what is working for her so she can cater to your needs. Yes he’s been at work all day but they’re a partnership, when she needs him he should help.

he has evenings. He can help then rather than sitting on his arse and blaming her for things not getting done. Work is not an excuse for opting out of caring for his wife and baby.

it’s not permanent. He can get a cleaner. He can cook meals, or get a meal prep service. He can throw a load of washing on when he gets in from work.

if she’s broken her leg and had reduced mobility, would you still be saying she should be up cleaning toilets and dusting high cupboards, because he works so she needs to pull her weight?

my dh worked full time. When I was struggling with the baby he got a cleaner, cooked, watched the baby to give me a break so I could go to the gym/get a shower/get things done.

if your partner is struggling you don’t say well I work so can’t help. You get off your arse and help!

Multiple older children can be a damn sight easier than one extremely colicky baby when you have PND and a dickhead of a husband!

Looking after young babies is working. It's hard UNPAID work. it's 24/7. No lunch break. no time to be ill. No doubt up at night feeding too. If a man worked all day but lived alone he would be quite capable of coming home, walking his dog and cooking his own tea. If OP leaves her DH in the future (he sounds like a misogynistic selfish arse to me) he will have to take care of all his household jobs and still work full time and also care for his child when it's his weekend etc.

I completely agree. He does need to step up but I also do think that taking small steps for yourself to get into a little routine. Helps with our mental health. Even if it’s something small not necessarily for him or what MIL said but for her. I literally couldn’t get out of bed or function due to my mental health once upon a time with a newborn, some days I still find difficult without a newborn but starting a little routine really did help. I’m not saying give up any groups I not saying it’s all on her but maybe I got the wrong impression from OP but I read it that he had been helping after work but is saying now he can’t do it all, maybe I read it wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️. If that’s the case he had been trying to be supportive but it’s not for him to tell her ‘enough is enough’ and running to his mum and her involving herself is bang out of order but at same time taking small steps forward surely is beneficial for OP by all means I don’t believe it’s all on stay at home mums not for new mums on Mat leave to be doing everything. It is a partnership on both sides I agree.

The MIL sounds daft - what does she think women who work outside the home do about food? Or single men? Or gay men? They don’t all have paid cooks and housekeepers!

How are you today OP?
Have you spoke to anyone in real life?

He's a grown man and can cook his own food/ do a few dishes, he will never know what it is like to be on your own all time with a colicky baby, while recovering from birth and dealing with depression even if you were home all the time you won't be able to adhere to everything he wants because you will be dealing with the baby so you might aswell go to the groups if they help you cope, my husband understands that my primary focus is the children, the youngest being 21 months old and still breastfeeding which means a lot of the time I'm run ragged trying to deal with her and I will get to housework when I get to it, not because its expected of me because I'm at home all day and "not working". Tell him to hire a cleaner if he's that bothered, you need to do things to help you recover and not plunge into a deeper depression and if the baby groups help that then keep going.