To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

You need to do your own thinking dont let a man think foer you but if you cant handle doing normal things as well as housework then not sure why you would have another with him

Yes he sounds terrible but I also dont think it is fait for a person to have to work and do housework so another just tget to go to endless baby groups, and people can dress it up anyway they want if it was reveresed the husbank would be told to organise things better

Baby/toddler clases only take up some time so being a sahm does require keeping the house clean surely?

When I worked PT for a couple of years, my main priority was DC but also being at home you just naturally clean up.

Please put your mental health and your baby 1st. My kids are a lot older than yours and maternity leave was over a long time ago but my house is still not perfect (far off!). Fortunately my husband isn’t a twat and I like my MIL, who is kind. You haven’t done anything wrong OP.

You forget I’ve 5 teenagers a husband and two toddlers. It’s not a deep clean it’s spray wit disinfectant and wiped. It’s easier to keep on top of it every day and much quicker. Problem with children especially the sink is they somehow can’t rinse the toothpaste from the sink 🤦🏻‍♀️ also with 3 teenagers girls who love baths and sadly are in the fake tanning phase it’s much easier to give the bath a quick clean, wipe down including the walls and screen because again not sure why the shampoo etc can’t just go on their heads 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 maybe it’s just mine but Christ they drive me insane.

im not saying everyone needs to do what I do, I was just saying I have to have a daily routine and I do these things because mainly because I have disgusting teenagers if I didn’t have 5 teenage humans I certainly wouldn’t need to do certain tasks daily. I’ll miss them when they move out BUT I won’t miss their mess. I work 14hr shifts every other weekend and that Monday I hate because these jobs haven’t been done and tears me much longer to ‘reset’ the house and I can really feel it with my metal heath. I used those examples because I do them when I do my usually things but incorporated some of my daily tasks that I do so it fits into my day and I’m not constantly cleaning so my day is pretty free xx

Ok good for you. I find it a little irrelevant on this mum's post though, she definitely doesn't need to be doing all this whole caring for her little one. Dad can help out.

This sounds like you NEED those baby groups. I would not lose that little bit of joy... Looking after a baby with Colic is so very hard, they just do not settle 😭. I think you could perhaps drop a day or 2 though? I used to go Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then do catch up house work Tuesday and Thursday. I'd still get myself out on those 2 days but just for some fresh air around the local park.

Your MIL needs to mind her own business though, if shea so concerned that things are going down hill, she can come round and help out a little! Silly women!

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion with your partner about your mental health and make him understand that this is the only thing keeping you going at the moment and until that changes, you will be going and he can support that, or fight it but either way, you're still going.

It does get easier though and if you're bottle feeding you can buy some drops that you put in the milk and it's actually a life changer... We used colief and it was an absolute miracle worker!

Good luck. X

The fact that the professionals involved with OP are worried about her mental health has gone right over your head hasn’t it ? As has the fact that her DH and his toxic mother are abusive. It’s not a question of happy husband happy life, it’s a controlling husband demanding what he wants, to the point where he goes complaining to his mummy if he doesn’t get it. OP is on maternity leave, not cooking and cleaning leave and if she doesn’t nip this in the bud he’ll be expecting a Stepford wife when she goes back to work too.

That night out for a wine you are planning with your friends, he will either call you to say baby is unwell come home now or he will collect you early.

Il be honest if he’s going work and then coming home and walking dog aswell so you think it’s fair for him to cook for himself to ? In his mind it seems like your doing the minimum but happy to have 5 days a week socialising I thought you had more than one child but I’ve read you’ve only got 1 I’m not disagreeing that it’s not hard but some of us have 3 or 4 kids get our whole house cleaned and prep dinner it’s really not that difficult especially if your not working

Mum has been working too - looking after baby all day may not be referred to as a 'job' but it's work. So yes, I think he should be prepared to cook tea.

@Burnedoutmama THIS!!!

I’m sorry, this thread seems to have opened your eyes, and given you lots to think about.

Please, please seeks Domestic Abuse Support, do the online freedom programme, to help you see the wood from the trees, to see how he’s treating you is not ok! He obviously won’t agree, as he sees it as perfectly acceptable, that’s part of what makes it so confusing!

Please start working out your exit plan.

Checking fo dust when you have a 4 month old?! WTAF?!!!

MIL can go and do one too!!

And keep taking that contraceptive!! Hell, maybe have the coil fitted to make absolutely sure!!

We’re all behind you!

i went to baby groups and would heartedly recommend them

So a mum was out all day in a job and came home and was told you can cook dinner I have been working hard all day at baby groups this would acceptable to poster's? a father would not be told to ''man up''

Also this!!

I eat different to everyone else as I’m calorie counting , I do the kids dinner when I get home from work , DH gets home later and doesn’t like reheating meals anyway

Agree. The number of handmaidens here is really concerning.

Aye there's tidying up as you go a long as a SAHM.

But were aren't talking SAHM we are talking Maternity Leave with a very young baby, and an arsehole checking tops of high places for dust.
Maternity Leave is not for Spring Cleaning or Deep Cleaning the house. Its to spend time recovering from birth and dealing with a small person who has 24hr demand on your time and body.

It’s not a comparable situation as men don’t do maternity leave. Mat leave isn’t for cooking and cleaning and making sure hubby has his home comforts. It’s for bonding with and taking care of your new baby, which is hard work. So many men don’t consider this to be ‘work’ and have a ‘what have you been doing all day’ attitude, expecting a perfect house and home cooked meal when they get home from work. The sooner this myth is busted the better.

Im so sorry that you have been through such a rough time of it. It's such a shame that your partner and his family dont understand how important these groups are to you and your mental health. Looking after yourself and the baby in those first months is paramount, having a spotless house is not! As as for the 'back in my day' comment postnatal issues were not fully recognised, acknowledged or suppoeted and discussed as there are now. How many women would have been suffering with zero help or support? It's a silly and unhelpful comparison. They could always offer some help of it bothers them that much!

You're a new mother - adjusting to a new you, new baby, new life, new body. Housework is the least of your priorities.

Life is too short to spend it cleaning! As long as its hygienic.

Unfortunately DH isnt recognising what you are actually going through dealing with right now to prioritise cleaning .

Absolutely this, in a nutshell. And from what OP says she won’t be a SAHM, so if she caves to his and his mothers’ nonsense the likelihood is he’ll expect his comforts to continue when OP is juggling childcare and work.

To be honest the red flags are pretty clear from the first post.

Utterly ridiculous comment. There’s PND and a host of post natal issues. And once more for those at the back and the hard of understanding, maternity leave is not cooking and cleaning leave. OP is not a SAHM, she’s bonding with and caring for her baby, whose well being is infinitely more important than a bit of dust and not cooking her DH’s dinner every night.

Well when my DD1 was small I was parenting solo. Her dad didn't meet her till she was about 4 months. I managed to work ft and do dinner when I go home as well as ( lacy shortcut housework lol)

So I don't see any reason at all.the DH can't sort some dinner after work like a normal person. Bet he doesn't get to look after the baby all evening nightAlthough I did have an awful lot of slow cooked curry yum