To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Tell them F right off and then F off some more. Bloody hell being a new mum is HARD especially if your baby is collicky. It's a while ago for me but both mine were very collicky and needed lots of holding and cuddles. You need recovery time yourself from the birth and your baby is obviously very needy of you. The house can wait. You, your baby, your physical and emotional health are the number one most important thing. Mum and baby groups are amazing for both of you. Keep going, keep doing your thing. You are not on maternity leave to clean the house. If you have the energy time, you can do a bit, but for now things are going to slide some and that is okay. Or he can pay for a cleaner, which would be absolutely reasonable. Have a chat to your health visitor. She will hopefully have some sensible advice.

Your mum sounds amazing! I hope she kicks ass with both your DH and MIL. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

My dad was like this. My dad who was born in the late 1930s. For a man presumably born in the latter part of the last century no, your husband is not being reasonable!

Also I think you need to leave him with the baby for 48 hours and see how much painting and decorating and cooking he manages - WITHOUT calling on anyone else to help (like his mother). If he “doesn’t know what you do all day” let him try it, and point out that he’s not doing it whilst also physically and mentally recovering from a hard birth

OP, I've read all your posts now, and your husband sounds awful. I think there is something very telling about him prefering having you weeping on his shoulder dependent on him rather than going to groups and feeling happier in yourself. He wants you in the first state. That's also why he wants another child, to grind you down more and entrap you. Do some thinking and speak to some people irl - health visitor and other mums. Your mum sounds ace though she is obviously adding another layer of stress for you by being outspoken.

Ok 2 wrongs don't make a right but his mum is extremely rude to her.
Op needs her mum to stand up for her. She's just had a baby and needs a chunk of support.

I doubt this marriage is going to last but someone needs to put him in his place or Ops going to have a live of misery with him

Op, I have read your further posts further down in the trail. It is my view, this is verging on abusive. There are a lot of 'expectations' and very little support. His mother is joining in and it is likely she gas been treated the same. There will be a 'stop domestic abuse 'agency in your area. Call them for advice. You are focusing on the health and well being of you and your baby, which in my view are the right priorities.

Do NOT stop the baby groups. If the MIL is concerned about the state of the house, tell her where the hoover is!

Your partner is waving 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’m sorry my love this is how it starts. If his mother wants to help she could be prepping meals and freezing them for you both. But instead she is encouraging his quite frankly caveman type demands. Does he think it’s 1940?

Does he spend much time alone with the baby?
Do you spend any time without the baby?

I suspect if he spent more time handing the baby on his own, maybe initially while you walk the dog, it would give him a better sense of what you're handling.

Will you be returning to work? How would childcare and housework responsibilities be shared then?

He is 100% abusive! He is controlling, making dogs at what you do or don’t do, he’s gaslighting you (look at that mumsnet comment!!)

If this were a close friend in your mum group what would you be telling them? I unfortunately have a close friend who is also in this reality and I have actually begged her to leave!!

Abuse doesn’t just have to be physical. You are caught in the middle of this and sometimes when you have a baby cutting toxic people out makes like SO much easier….starting with your manchild!

Also I am just guessing by the posts that you are much younger than him and you now live in England with him and near his family? If so that’s another red flag! Get back up here to Scotland.

And tell him for the record I am incredibly happy with my life and am on mumsnet to give honest advise to people like you who need the support.

Sending hugs whatever you choose to do.

🤣🤣🤣

You don’t give up your groups. You get on a plane with baby to your mums rather than she comes here if he carries on!
time for him to learn- he does t know what you do all day. Ok mate, this will be hard but baby won’t die or come to harm. You go away for the day. If you are BF pump and freeze enough just for 4 feeds so you can get up, leave baby with him and go somewhere ( no one will enjoy it but your partner needs to learn). He’ll call his mum to help them. You tell him you can’t cope you did t cook dinner and you needed an extra pair of hands!

No of course we fucking didn’t. Having a baby doesn’t turn you into the father’s servant.

100% agree with this!

A pile to unpack here. First things first, I'm a fellow Scot and also had PND and a husband who was great until my illness became an inconvenience to his life - I feel your pain. Second of all, big hugs, cos this bit post birth is supposed to be wonderful but with pnd it really isn't. It's about dragging one foot in front of the other until the illness passes and you can find the joy in life or whatever just makes life seem a bit better. Thirdly if DH has the time to get up on a ladder and run a finger along the top of the cabinet or curtain pole or whatever to shame you that it's dusty then you know what he also has time for? Getting a duster and pledge (or whatever polish of choice) and cleaning it while he is at it! (Ps life is too short for cleaning tops of cupboards with a 4 month old - that is for the stage when you don't feel exhausted beyond belief having taken his 2 puffs and a pant and rearranged your organs to grow and push out a whole ass human after which within 6 hours you are expected to be up and not only look after you but a baby, produce milk to feed said baby, let your organs rearrange, your hormones settle down and be back to looking like a supermodel!). Fourthly, if he is fed up with oven fair for dinner, why not encourage him to buy a slow cooker? Literally game changer for me with hungry little people. Whack everything in raw in the morning (chicken/beef, onion and a jar of sauce is sufficient until you or he finds the mojo to create from scratch) set to low for 8 hours and get presto a delicious dinner at night and not from the oven. Stick some rice in a pan when he comes in (I'm sure as a capable working man he could do this while putting on his washing) and yeeha! Good to go. Fifthly, next time your MIL decides to have a go, hand over the hoover or duster and say with a smile "I am so delighted to have a village who is ready to help, just throw a hoover over that will you while I tend to the baby/have a shower/throw the washing on the line or whatever" and if she objects, say sorry, thought you were offering to help. Sorry can't stop to talk, I'm too busy raising the baby, help yourself to tea or coffee and bustle off. Sixthly, remind your husband that you are neither his mother or his manager. If he wants you to be either or both, it is not attractive and a second child will not be coming along until he ups his game and starts being a supportive and proactive partner. Please remember you are still recovering from giving birth. His expectation that you should be chained to the house like a 1950s wife is unacceptable and unbecoming in a partner. The fact that he doesn't view your job of keeping baby alive and well as more important than the top of cabinets is mysogenistic BS and honestly I'm appalled that his mother is condoning and encouraging this behaviour (although it sounds like His mother was groomed by his father to be house wife of the year so I assume she had a straight forward pregnancy with none of the shit show that is pnd). Keep going to your classes but be prepared that you deserve better than this from a partner and that at some point you may need to walk away from relationship if he doesn't buck up his ideas. Big hugs x

He can pay a cleaner!!!!

This is absolutely controlling bullshit

Your DH is a knob, I’m sorry. My DH has health issues (previous brain tumour), works full time in a stressful job, and would still get up in the night with DD and pull his weight around the house. I was diagnosed with cancer when DD was 4 months old and he did even more than his “fair” share when that happened. My MH was in the toilet, he went above and beyond to support our family. He would co sleep separately with (non sleeping) DD lbecause she would try and pull the PICC line out of my arm, then put her in with me in the morning for a cuddle while he got up to sort the dogs out, put a wash on before work, hoover downstairs and leave me some lunch in the fridge. His mother is very proud of him and has actually said she now knows for sure she brought her son up right. He won’t take any praise for it as he sees it as his responsibility and the bare minimum.

Do NOT stop your baby groups. Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your baby. If your MIL feels so strongly about her precious son she can get the f-ing mop out can’t she 🤬

Your attention and your time will be completely taken up by a baby whether you are at home or out and about. The chances of you being able to do any meaningful housework while also taking care of a baby single handed are slim.

For that reason you would not be unreasonable to spend time outside the home with other mums and babies - and that’s before you add in any mental health issues. These groups are essential for you. Housework can and will wait.

Oh OP I want to cry for you, remembering how overwhelming life is with a 4 month old who constantly needs you. Baby groups saved my sanity too but I was lucky to have a husband who understood that some things needed to slide in the early days and was capable of feeding himself when he needed to.

Keeping on top of basic cleaning is fine - it sounds like you’re doing enough, who cares about touching up paint right now!?

This phase doesn’t last long so it is right to try to enjoy it by bonding with your baby and connecting with others. Perhaps your DH could spend a day with the baby and a list of housework and meals to cook? Then you can get on with the painting he’s so concerned about.

Hoping he realises how outdated his views are and starts supporting you.

Nah I think they're just a sock puppet for the "charming" @TidyRaven

@Burnedoutmama how are you doing today?

I’m going to beat the contraception drum again! I was so broody after each of my babies I wanted to get pregnan again and have more. It’s so important for our long term health to give our bodies a chance to recover.

As women, we don’t always react to danger with fight or flight because we are smaller and if you can’t overpower an attacker or run faster, that can get you killed. Often we go into freeze/fawn where we under react, endure or appease. In difficult relationships we can find ourselves doing this, sometimes to the extent that we nearly become a different person. It’s more obvious when there is a physical danger. Emotional abuse is more subtle and it can be harder distinguish those responses - we might just feel more passive, more teary or more anxious to please.

Between that and the huge hormone dumps of oxytocin, you can be very vulnerable in the months post partum. It’s not unusual for women struggling through these kind of relationship dynamics to choose another pregnancy to appease a partner, or because leaning into the whole family dream is less scary than contemplating the other alternative.

It could be that this will all work out, that your dp will mature, and figure out how to step up and support you, and learn from these mistakes. But give yourself time -
one dc is much, much, much more manageable than two. Don’t rush.

I also note that you’ve said dp, not dh, so you need to be very realistic about how long you can afford to be out of the workplace. Having dc without the legal protections of marriage puts you and your dc at a higher risk of poverty.

I hope you’re doing ok. These threads can feel very overwhelming when you’re the person reading these things and it can be a lot to process. Take care of yourself.

Strong disagree. Babies need fresh air and different environments to sleep in my experience. Those two hours home would have just been trying to amuse a crying bored baby and not much more would have been done household wise. Children shouldn't be around strong cleaning chemicals or smells. I don't understand this UK obsession with a "home cooked" meal. We literally have a full time housekeeper/chef and I still do restaurants and takeaways often. Size 4 and 172cm. Healthy home food mostly doesn't need to be cooked fresh. Steamed vegetables and meats that save.

I did get a notification that poster had quoted me but not what was said …