To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

😀💯🎯

Fair enough! Op only has a newborn so should only be messy as they can't tidy all the time, no kids mess except maybe bottles etc

Your husbands behaviour is disguasting.

Cranial ostheopathy might help your baby to feel better.

Can’t imagine being happy and content with a man who ‘expects’ things in terms of housework. If my DH moaned at me about any aspect of the household routine being ‘slow’ or in any other way sub standard he’d be doing it himself. We don’t all benefit from well ordered homes and lovely meals if the onus is on one person to provide them to the satisfaction of the other.

I think the husband could benefit from something else being applied to his own cranium !!

Exactly. The stress of trying to do baby groups and stay on top of all the housework cooking etc is too much. So I decided to focus on the activities that would benefit my husband the most. Happy wife happy life is accepted, why not happy husband happy life?

Oh op your doing great please continue with the play group there are a life line,

Your h and mil are not nice people why carnt they be kind, or helpful, h is putting you down, guessing if you did dish up an amazing meal for him he would find fault,

Things will get better op but for now it is what it is,

We all find the early days a stressful and consuming, but remember its not forever, your doing great considering the pressure from h and mil, two people who should be more understanding and supportive,

My life saver was my slow cooker ( double up ingredients and freeze one for next week, would put this on before bed, and cook another meal in it the next day ) 4 meals cooked and two for freezer, ( salads in a jar) google them, make up 6 then meal time you cook some meat jacket potato,
play pen, baby could see me while I Pottered about, and yes I to used a carrier so I could get things done,

Remember your doing great op, enjoy your little one, 💐💐

OP, please ignore the smug Stepford mums who want to crow about how superior they are to a mum who has a baby with colic who wants to be held by you all day or cries. And who is struggling with mental health postpartum. They are just unkind people

I don't know what you'd do to his cranium but a boot up the arse wouldn't go a miss!

He doesn't moan AT me, he just has a moan when I'm not keeping on top of things. Every single person on the planet moans, it's human nature. I moan when I'm not on top of things and can't find a clean top or the washing up has piled up. The difference is that I don't take it personally and start trying to blow up our marriage. I just admit I've been a bit lazy and get back on it. We all benefit from me not blowing things like that out of proportion.

When my partner sees I’m struggling. He asks how I am and how he can help….or will donate laundry without eve saying anything.

my ex and his fanily were like the op it ruined my self worth andi had no identity other then being his wife and a housewife. It was dark. I am so glad now to have a partner who believes we are a team and I am not some sort of servant.

i also hope you know that you deserve a break and a relax as well as your husband

Congrats.
So pleased baby groups help you - they were a godsend to me too and I am still friends with ladies I met there (our kids are at uni now)
Stick to your guns - it is VITAL for your wellbeing and baby's too.
His mum and him are being unreasonable.

IMO, if he pursues ,it then it verges on control!

You sound very young OP, your DM coming over for 3 weeks and being rude to your DP is not going to help very much.

Sweetheart you need to RUN AWAY with your baby asap.

He is abusive, his mother is a nut case and you must share this with your health visitor. This is abuse, plain and simple.

Get away ASAP, do NOT have anymore of this abuser's children.

Absolutely not. We are not living in 1950. Your “partner” is delusional. Keep going to your groups. Give him a duster and tell him to dust when he sees dust. Just because you are on maternity leave does not make you a maid. He has hands, he can dust and cook. Buy him a cookbook and tell him to cook you a meal. It’s his house too and his baby. You are not a dinner lady / chef conveniently placed in his house to serve him. I’m furious reading your post. I’m not sure how you live with this man.

No you have not and your partner’s mum is completely out of line. I do not understand women who feel the need to try and make things harder for other women. I didn’t have X so neither should you, nonsense. Maybe she could offer to help with the housework if it concerns her so much!

PAINTING!!!
Dear God OP, do what you need to for your baby and yourself but do keep badgering the medical team to help sort this colicky baby it must be a nightmare. So sorry you have such a selfish git of a man in your home. No wonder you get out as much as possible, keep doing it.

I feel angry for you. Maternity leave is there primarily for you to recover from pregnancy and birth and to bond and look after your baby. Not to do housework, painting and decorating- great if you can get some of that done but for many new mums that would be totally unachievable. It sounds like you are doing a lot and taking on more than most could.

You are both spending your days ‘working’. He’s doing the standard paid working day. You are working all day looking after the baby, and by the sounds of it a good chunk of the domestic tasks. What still needs to be done when your DP is home from ‘work’ should be divided.

MIL can fuck right off. If DP agrees with her, try leaving him with the baby for a day and see how much housework and decorating he can get done while he’s flying solo.

Why are you making separate dinners in the first place? I cook once and it's for all of us....less work that way....

Ye but why should husband be unhappy because she's going to baby groups. More like controlling husband unhappy wife.
Happy mum happy baby is surely better than poor didfums darling happy husband.

Oh sweetie, my heart just breaks for you reading this x 💔
Please trust me when I say that absolutely nothing you say or do will ever be good enough for this so called "man" and his bitch of a mother, who is just enabling his behaviour.
After continuing with your groups (which, incidentally are vital for your mental health), and once you feel strong enough; please run as far away as you possibly can from this selfish, uncaring, controlling and abusive, pathetic excuse of a DH/DF. 🙏
You and you DC are worth so much more, and you deserve to have a happy life without having to question what you're doing wrong every day.
When I used to get worried or uptight over the cleaning or homework when mine were little, I used to say this little poem to myself:

I hope my child looks back on today
And remembers a Mummy who had time to play
There'll be plenty of time for cleaning and cooking,
But children grow up when you're not looking
So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I'm cuddling my baby; and babies don't keep

Sending hugs and hope that helps 💐

Housework is a neverending task. You will not reach the end of your life in your old old age and wish you had done more housework, this I promise you. I have two teens and a tween. Please please please go to the baby groups, make friends, keep them as "kin" if you make good attachments and they can be life long friends and supporters to you and your child(ren). My ex MIL would rather I confined myself to slaving after her son and our children to my absolute detriment. Her son (now ex) was the same. Trust me, investing in your mental health, supportive friends, baby groups, enjoying your child(ren) is absolutely the right thing to be doing.

OP I assume your husband must be much older than you. About 116 years old or something, my grandfather who was born in 1910 had similar attitudes towards housework and women.

Good for your Maw!

Wow! His comments about the toilet and dust... This doesn't sound like a healthy supporting relationship. He uses toilet as well surely he could clean it sometimes!! Sounds like his mother waited on him instead of teaching him the useful skills in life. Don't give up the mum and baby groups you need that support. If he thinks it's untidy now wait until you go back to work fully. Some men are so lazy when it comes to home management.