To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Sorry, but your husband sounds like a dick.
My husband thought it was his job to help bring up our kids from the start. Whatever needed doing. But that is also what I expected of him..
I didn't have an interfering mil and I'm sorry you do.
I'd say, keep your groups going, if they keep you on top of things mentally.
Ignore mil. She is not your problem
Get husband to step up. I recognise this is your major problem but keep at it
Meanwhile, don't have more children with him until he knows how to be a real man, and father

Oh I’m anything but just had to get creative with ways to actual manage my life when I was drowning 😂😂😭 but I’m out the other side now and life is much simpler ❤️

I sympathise, my baby would cry if she wasn’t being held and this went on for about 6 months. I have to ask, if there are only 3 of you in the house, how much housework is there to do? If you are both tidy and pick up after yourselves and clear up baby paraphernalia when you put baby to bed at night, the house will look presentable. Giving the kitchen and bathroom a good clean once a week between you and running a duster round when you’ve a spare 5 mins should keep on top of everything. If that’s not good enough for hubby, tell him to pay for a cleaner!

He is clueless, and his mum’s attitude shows why. If you’re bottle feeding, leave him with the baby for the day and a list of jobs, see how much he can get done in eight hours.

Were you working full time before maternity leave? How did you divide up jobs then? Assuming you didn’t do a full day’s work and then rush home to get dinner on the table, I don’t see why he should expect his share of the housework to reduce because you’ve had a baby.

Sorry for late insensed reply but WTAF.
I'm 54 had kids in 1989/91/97 baby groups were very much a thing.
And a life line for some people with MH problems then. There was also baby clinic where you met up with mum's and the HV invaluable to me. And well done to you for going to baby groups I never really fitted in that well. Don't stop going.
Stand your ground DH is being controlling.
FWIW I look after my DDs 4 boys 16,7,3 and 2. I have got nothing done for nearly 4 years now. They wreck everything I do I go round in circles! Ok I do the washing, meals etc but I'm just too busy with the boys l
If he wants you to clean and you agree he should look after baby while you get things done. Or do them himself. What does he want you to do put baby in a sling and spray the bathrooms.
As for his mother. What a cow. Well you know where you stand there. What a set of fucking bullies.
Sympathy with you OP. Don't do as you are told do what you wish.

Couples therapy in an abusive relationship is contra indicated and any therapist worth their salt won’t continue once they identify abusive behaviour. It’s not the job of a therapist to class one partner as vulnerable and initiate safeguarding. It’s their job to recognise that the solution for abuse is not talking things through and potentially enabling more abuse but for the abused partner to get out of the relationship.

Therapy can reinforce and enable abuse because it’s rooted in the notion that both parties can and should change, so therapists willing to work with an actively abusive relationship will inevitably engage in victim-blaming, however unintentionally. Any therapist who wants to solve your abusive relationship is indicating that they’re ok with you continuing to be abused while they try to sort it out. Abusers are skilled in avoiding blame and can, and do, influence and manipulate therapists to that end. Any exploitative power dynamic is unsafe to take to therapy.

I've now read all of OPs posts and partner is 100% abusive. He sounds really controlling :(

🤣🤣
No

Utter bollocks. Are you a man ? I can guarantee you the reason he’s checking for dust in high places is NOT because he’s concerned about the baby. OP is not a housewife, she’s on maternity leave - to bond and care for the baby, not to cook and clean for her lazy arse of a husband who goes whining to his mummy because he’s not getting a home cooked meal every night !! He’s got the hump because he clearly thinks she does nothing all day, when in actual fact looking after the baby at this stage is a full time job. And his attitude won’t change when OP goes back to work. It needs nipping in the bud now, and both he and his mother need to grow up. Why is MiL cooking his dinner - why does she not throw a casserole or a stew on so that they can both eat more healthily ?

And in case you missed it, she’s not socialising, she’s doing what’s recommended because there are mental health concerns.

This sounds really upsetting op. I honestly think that at 4 months postpartum your husband should be making most or at the very least half of the dinners. You have your hands full with colicky baby and need good nourishing food to help replenish yourself after having pregnancy and birth. You don’t need criticism and stress.

Even if you gave up all the baby groups, do you think what you do around house/cook would ever be good enough?

If you need a quiet life for now, can
you keep going to the groups and don’t mention them? or is he quite controlling and expects to know where you are all the time?

It’s absolute bollocks isn’t it ? I think the poster is either a troll or a chauvinist male. I’d like to know what the poster thinks are ‘wives jobs’ and why they think DH is paying OP !!

The solution seems simple, you go to your baby groups, his mum comes round and helps with the cleaning while you’re there then maybe could take the little one for the afternoon a couple of times a week so you could sleep too. That’s where my head would be as a concerned mother in law - instead of criticism - support.

This is wild lol I don't do hardly any of this stuff and we're currently child free haha.

Literally clean the bathroom once a fortnight, kitchen sides get a wipe like every other day and do the kitchen floor maybe weekly. Who is cleaning the bath, shower or toilet day?

I could be in the minority haha but we do very little and the flat is presentable and not gross.

No , I work full time and my husband works full time but longer hours - but he pays the majority of bills as he’s the higher earner ( however I will specify I pay a big portion of my wage towards them ) . I will make his packed lunches for work and I try to have the house tidy when he’s home just because I’m here and he gets in later. He gets in and cooks his own dinner. Absolutely no way would I be cooking a full home cooked meal for him after I’ve made the kids dinners .

*Pancakesandcream33 *

reported for trolling what a sick man you are in your mums basement . Can you get your kicks elsewhere please ?

Yes I agree, everyone is different. I married someone who expects the same things from me as the OP's husband does from her - yet I am extremely happy and content. The difference is in our perceptions.

My husband is human, he is not perfect. I am human and can get lazy. He moans about things at home, laundry being slow etc frequently. I don't take it personally, I just up my game and get back on top of it all. We all benefit from a well ordered home and lovely meals.

The OP thinks her husband is a lazy abuser - she is miserable and angry. I think my husband is a hard worker who deserves to put his feet up at home - and I'm happy and content.

No it's good for MH to get out and see people.
She needs all the support she can get. These are very new budding friendships. She needs to keep at it and build those friendships strong.
A couple of my closest friends were made at baby groups.
A couple of hours out the house a day is nothing.

He is an ass who has a cheek . The only way I would ever be having a home cooked meal waiting every day on top of every bit of dust removed , a spotless house and be bloody painting whilst I was also looking after a baby would be if I was given an unlimited “allowance” , designer clothes, magazine spread worthy house and was treated like an absolute princess ! Who the hell does he think he is and his mother is clearly a mug who does all this herself too and needs to go in the bin.

Maternity leave is time to bond with your baby and recover from 9 month of carrying a human , birthing them and then recovering from that.

Housework doesn't take all day, you could easily do a job like sticking laundry in washing machine while getting ready in morning then quickly hanging it up, if you have a dishwasher stick that on too, take child to the group, break for you, socialisation for you and baby, pick up shopping on way home for tea, dash round if need be with hoover and you are sorted

My first thought was bored school student but I think they’re all back at school now aren’t they ? Clearly a specimen from the Manosphere.

Agree slightly - the bathroom doesn't need cleaning daily. However, when you have kids the house goes to pot within a day very easily 😅 I swear laundry breeds and toys explode

You are a mug if you think it's ok your husband can demand everything is fine when he gets in

This. OP, your partner may have no idea how hard it is looking after a baby, let alone a colicky one. Or he does which makes it worse.
If he was a kind or just reasonable person he would be making no demands of you to clean or cook.
Since he is being awful and picking fights anyway, I suggest you just stop cooking and cleaning for him altogether.
If or when he asks, you just say: sorry, I'm really tired and don't think I'll get there this week. Feel free to take care of it yourself if it's important to you.
If he pushes: Sorry, I need to prioritise baby and myself. Can't be a good parent if I'm running on empty.
If he still pushes: Stop making things unpleasant, I'm doing my best. Like it or leave it.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. Your only concern should be yourself and your sweet baby. The rest is a bonus. If he wants the house spotless get a cleaner!
Or maybe MIL could help.
This is not the 50's. Just because things weren't like that in her day doesn't mean they shouldn't change!

Just sod off @Salyexley