To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

This is such bad advice I don’t know where to start.

Yes, emergency c section a month early. Extremely colicky and clingy.

OP has found the balance that she needs for her mental health. It’s not down to her to try to fit the session around everything else she has to do. Her DH and her shitty MiL should be stepping up to help.

I really, really enjoyed it and have happy memories of that time though.

That’s you everyone is different.

Your partner sounds like a chauvinistic asshole @Burnedoutmama . I am also appalled by the behaviour of his mother. Clear to see the link between him and her.

I could be wrong but it sounds like he thinks you are his ( next ) mum. It isn't your job to make him lunches , clean the house all the bloody time. You have given birth to and are caring for his child 24/ 7. If at any point in the immediate months after the birth of any of my babies my husband had criticised the cleanliness of the bathroom or asked for home made soup or curry I would have told him to f* off in no uncertain terms.

I don't say this likely but think about what your future holds if you stick with this man Perhaps you deserve better than a man ( child ) who still thinks he is living in the 1950s.

Yes, but you obviously didn't have pnd, had a supportive and lovely husband and, most importantly, that's how you wanted to spend your life. Clearly the opposite of OP

Yes, saw family and friends a couple of evenings a week. Didn't go to the gym, went for walks in summer and do to food shops.

It is something I know a bit about. Counsellors work all the time with couples where controlling coercive behaviour is evident. Wouldn’t have much work otherwise. The good thing about working with a counsellor it means the OP can be classed as a vulnerable individual and a safeguarding notification made by the counsellor for the OP if needed. This can prompt all sorts of support for OP and her family. Getting a team of professionals on OP’s side is essential, especially if she is alone against the warped attitude of partner and his family.

OP - I can see clearly why you have been struggling. Your husband and MIL sound like trash tbh. Did your husband do any housework at all before you had a kid? If he did, why shouldn't he still? If he didn't then he's a useless lazy waste of space. Most importantly, you are not his maid and maternity leave is to take care of the baby. Getting on top of housework etc is a bonus. You are learning to find your feet as a mum, taking care of your first child. It's a hell of a change and your mental health is important. You know what isn't? Dusting and painting. If it bothers your husband so much, why can't he do it? Does he expect to come home and sit on his arse? You will discover when you go back to work how work is easier than taking care of a child- to the point it feels like a break. So please don't fall for the "take care of your hardworking man" act.

Yes, that is a very good point. I wouldn't have enjoyed baby groups, they are not my thing. Things like having a tidy home, cooking for and looking after my husbands needs so he can focus on work genuinely do make me feel happy and content.

Your biggest problem here is your DP. His mother second.

checking high places for dust WTAF???? Just, no, no, no.

He has been parented that women should stay home and clean. Ugh. And you have been seriously unwell and he treats you like some skivvy? Just no!

I’m sorry, he will not change, nothing will be good enough @Burnedoutmama it is not you!!!!

Just wow. Go to the baby groups, but can you work around the time at home more efficiently. I lived in another country to my family when my son, who cried and never slept, was born. I went out every morning to a mother and toddlers for my mental health. However, I did manage to keep on top of the housework and cooking. Put baby in a sling when doing jobs. Never leave a room without taking something with you to put away. Batch cook at weekends when daddy is home to help. Do main cleaning at weekends when daddy is home and get him to help with either baby or housework. Also it doesn’t have to be spotless, just liveable . It will get easier as baby gets older. Oh, and tell MIL she’s welcome to come help!

No! My DH came home to me handing him the baby to look after and expecting him to cook!! He also did housework and we got a cleaner so I didn't need to think about it.

I'm sorry to say your husband sounds abusive to me, it's really common for abuse to start or get worse in pregnancy or just after birth.

Speak to your health visitor who can help you, call Women's Aid, and go to your groups! I think you are going to have to divorce this arsehole but be very careful in the meantime so that you are safe.

I'm so sorry, this should be a happy time of enjoying your baby and he is ruining it for you.

Yes, OP shouldn't go and get support from other mums, she should get out in the fresh air instead 🙄

Crap advice. OP do what you've been advised by professionals and what is making you feel better. If you have a breakdown, who will be looking after the baby (let alone DH and his 'need' for a home cooked meal)?

If you'd been prescribed medication, would DH and MIL tell you to stop taking it? (Well actually they might because they both sound like clueless twats).

I would make sure your contraception is as reliable as possible, OP. If you decide you want another baby with this guy, fine, but don't be bulldozed into it, particularly not before you're ready, and also not until he steps up and does his share of the housework and parenting and tells his mother to mind her own business.

No I didn't and neither did anyone else I know.

Its not the 1950s.

Its really sad to hear how much this prick is making you doubt yourself. Can you imagine a woman complaining that her husband had looked after the baby all day and 'only' made burgers and salad for her dinner?

He wants you to paint???? Absolutely not. As I’ve said batch cook at weekends when he’s there. Also if his mum wants him to have a home cooked dinner perhaps she could cook you the odd casserole you can both share. What a cow!

I'm sorry is this the 1950s? So sorry that your partner isn't being supportive and honestly this is verging on abusive. Why is he not doing the cleaning? You are doing the job of caring for your (plural) child, he is doing paid labour outside of the house. You should both pitch in around the house (when you are ready, he should be doing it until you are).

MIL sounds like a piece of work. I can't believe they are so uncaring. Please advocate for yourself or find a friend or family member who can.

LTB.

Go back to your mum.

Hes abusive and his mum is facilitating that abuse.

In the interim stop cooking or doing anything else for him.

I wish all these women wandering in having read the opening post and suggesting things like cleaning at 3am or going for a nice walk when she's living with an abuser would fuck off.

Maternity leave isn’t cleaning leave

Do it at night when the baby is in bed / at weekends when your partner can have the baby / he can do his share in the evenings and weekends like a working couple would?

Reporting this. I hope for you're sake you're just trolling and that you're not actually such a bad person that you'd come out with this shit and kick someone when they're down - shame on you